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High school graduates throw off hats in act of rebellion

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YOUR REGION – School administration from a local high school are still reeling after their carefully planned senior commencement was effectively ruined by a group of grade 12 hat-tossing rebels.

According to witnesses, the ceremony, which had been going off without a hitch suddenly turned into absolute chaos with five minutes to spare after the class of 2014 suddenly rose to their feet and defiantly flung off their school-issued graduation caps.

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, after all the work we put in for this to happen,” explained school principal Don Johnson shaking his head with disappointment. “Months of preparation, fundraising, rehearsals . . . it all went down the drain in an instant because of these hooligans.”

Johnson said that they warned the students at the start of the year about any hijinx and that up until then, they were reasonably incident free.

“We had a few scares early in the year with some jokesters who wore ‘GRAD 14’ t-shirts to school but they were promptly dealt with,” Johnson said. “This was our big event though, commencement was supposed to be a serious, straightforward affair.”

Johnson wasn’t the only one who was appalled by the students’ behaviour; members of the school’s Parent Advisory Committee felt similarly slighted.

“We spent a lot of money on those hats and for them to just toss them into the air without any regard was clearly an act of transgression,” PAC president Cindy Lee told The Peak. “We spent hours making sure the tassels were on all straight and on the right side, and then as soon as we say ‘you’ve graduated’, they just toss em’ off without any respect.”

“There was significant damage to plenty of hats, some were lost and others were beyond repair,” Lee said, heartbroken. “We gave them these caps as a gift for all their hard work over the past 13 years, we expected them to wear them for the rest of their lives, but now that’s not going to happen.”

While it remains unknown who was behind the stunt, parents and administration say that all those responsible will be severely punished.

“Oh, there’s no way that they’re getting away scot-free from this one, they need to grow up and learn that this isn’t acceptable behaviour in the adult world,” principal Johnson said of the matter.

“I know they were probably making some sort of point about how high university tuition is or giving a snarky hats off to our provincial unemployment rates, but that just wasn’t the place or time for it.”

While students have mostly stayed silent about the incident, when asked some have responded with either a confused face or a befuddled hand gesture.

“Do you think this kind of thing goes on at other schools? You think they would allow this kind of hat-tossery somewhere like Harvard?” Johnson asked, saying he had never actually researched it but assumed there could be no way. “I have never seen such blatant disrespect in my life and it’s really got me scared for the future.”

“Hopefully none of them become construction workers or anything,” he concluded borrowing a line from his commencement speech. “Can you imagine? First day on the job and they just all toss off their construction hats . . . they need to be taught a lesson otherwise that’s the direction our youth are headed, completely and utterly prone to head-injury.”

Can we stop numbering things, please?

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EIC
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I was always taught that “hate” is a strong word, and scolded for using it haphazardly. That being said, I really hate listicles.

Though you may not have heard the word, your Internet and social media life has definitely been inundated with them. “Listicle” is a journalistic term for a short-form article that uses a list for its structure.

Buzzfeed has capitalized on the listicle with great success, throwing list after list up on its website everyday, luring millions of people in with titles like “29 Most Canadian Things to Ever Canada in Canada” and “16 Reasons Why Baby Aardvarks Are The Most Conflicting Animals Ever.”

Beyond being about insane things, listicles irk me simply because, from a writing standpoint, they’re incredibly lazy. Most of them don’t even use full sentences. It’s the easiest thing in the world to write a list of short thoughts accompanied by massive photos or gifs to illustrate your point. Writing an actual, developed article? With a beginning, middle, and end, with research and sourced quotes? Well, that’s a lot harder.

One list was titled “31 coffee stains that almost look like West Virginia,” and man, did it deliver.

According to a New Yorker article, the listicle format may do something to alleviate the “paradox of choice,” which is a fancy term for the bad feels you get whenever it takes you over an hour to decide where to get takeout. The human brain likes to do as little work as possible to process information, so we feel good when we make quick decisions, no matter how high (or low) their importance.

Clicking on a list is a quick decision. On a busy Twitter stream of links being shared, listicles are easy to pick and easy to unpack; we know exactly what they’re going to give us, and exactly how long it will take.

I’ve never been surprised by the contents of a list. It told me beforehand that I was going to get “31 Coffee Stains That Almost Look Like West Virginia,” and man, did it deliver. The sense of accomplishment we get from finishing the listicle adds to the warm fuzzy feelings we have towards them, and makes us more likely to click on a list again. And so the cycle goes.

If people are going to keep clicking on listicles, why stop making them?

The New Yorker concludes, “In the current media environment, a list is perfectly designed for our brain. We are drawn to it intuitively, we process it more efficiently, and we retain it with little effort.”

Too bad list-lovers won’t have read the article. I must say, though, you have to check out “17 Guys Who Look Nothing Like Jason Statham.” That shit is gold.

Disclaimer: All listicle titles used in this article are real.

 

Launching artists into their careers

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EIC
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It’s time to launch your artistic project! Why? There is a multidisciplinary festival for young professional artists.

According to festival coordinator Mallory Gallant, the festival “was created as an opportunity to give artists in the Lower Mainland the chance to get to showcase their work as well as make those much-needed connections with other artists as well as industry professionals.” This is the second annual Launch Festival and it will focus on presenting innovative multidisciplinary arts.

The festival is a space for young professionals to have the opportunity to showcase their own works. “When we say young professional we mean someone that has made a personal commitment to a career in the arts. Professional, in our opinion, is someone that has a history of creation and presentation but is not yet recognized by professional associations. We are looking for the up and comers. The ones that are right on the edge and need that extra push,” Gallant said.

One great aspect of the festival is its accessibility for local artists. Gallant says, “The event is only open to artists in the Lower Mainland and there is no fee to apply and there is no age limit.”

In addition to the opportunity to present personal works with no cash concerns or age restrictions, the event will provide mentorship opportunities, workshops, and the chance to connect with professional associations. 

Gallant said, “By including mentorship and workshops we are not just giving [the artists] the stage to perform on, we are also giving them the chance to connect with professionals that have been in the industry for years.”

Some such mentors include Gary Cristall (music and career mentor) the co-founder of the Vancouver International Folk Festival, Murray Gibson (film and theatre mentor) a talent agent for over 25 years who works for RED Management, Vanessa Goodman (career mentor) a company member for Dancers Dancing, Emma Lancaster (career mentor) a communications professional with over 20 years of experience and faculty member at Capilano University, and Jim Smith (dance mentor) the Producer for DanceHouse and former president of the Canadian Dance Assembly. 

The festival is presented by the 149 Arts Society in partnership with SFU Woodwards. Gallant describes the society as dedicating “itself to arts programming that is provocative in nature, and programming that serves to engage, challenge and inform.”

Looking beyond the second year of Launch, Gallant says, “We have high hopes to see the festival grow into a really strong legacy program. There is nothing quite like witnessing a budding artist at the beginning stage of their career.”

“The connection that can form between an emerging artist and a mentor is priceless and will be valuable for the rest of their careers. To be able to say that we had a hand in launching a long lasting artistic career is something we are proud of and we will continue to value our emerging artists,” she concluded. 

Applications for Launch will be accepted until May 22. The festival will run June 19 to 21 at SFU Woodwards. 

Bus riders vs. riding the bus

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EIC
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Woohoo

In 2004, according to ICBC, around 70 per cent of Metro Vancouverites between the ages of 20 and 24 had driver’s licenses. Now that number has fallen to 55 per cent. The age bracket above them, 25-29, similarly fell 10 per cent to 67.

Hmm. . . perhaps this is largely due to that handy little thing we all so ardently worship, asking our buddies at SFU every four weeks or so, “Hey, can we get next month’s U-Pass yet?”

If you’re part of this dramatic increase in transiting folk, rejoice: you’re reducing our carbon footprint on the planet. Yay! Also, enjoy the peace of mind that comes from being on a bus, rather than snailing behind one.

And think of all you get done just sitting on the bus. You can do the readings you forgot on the weekend! And a late 145 or 135 might mean an awkward, late arrival to lecture, but it also means more time to make up for that worthwhile procrastination.

Boohoo

All these thoughts bubble inside you, and then you smell morning breath. Maybe it’s wafting over from that guy next to you. Or perhaps it’s your TA, who unfortunately got on the same bus as you, who you’ve just made eye-contact with, and who you have to force out some conversation with (so much for doing your expected readings).

And how about awkward acquaintance bus run-ins? You catch a glimpse of that person who has been in your tutorial all semester long, and you both just stare with vacant eyes.

You know what? If we’re all on this ride together, we should be able to talk and make the most of the grueling 30 minutes. That vacancy could be replaced by the start of a beautiful friendship!

While our generation is green, we’ve also made social awkwardness in close spaces a genetically inheritable trait. At least our children will thank us for the clean air. . . even if they won’t be talking to each other about it.

 

Spurring conversation and critical thinking

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EIC
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When you browse online, search on Google, stream from Netflix, and click “Like” on Facebook, your data is being logged. But what is cultural data collection and how do data crunchers know what makes something popular? Salon’s Andrew Leonard, The Globe and Mail’s Marsha Lederman, and UVic assistant professor of English and director of the Maker Lab in the Humanities, Jentery Sayers, will explore this issue on Saturday afternoon in “Quantified Culture” at Spur Festival’s Vancouver event.

Although only in its second year, Spur is already making waves in Canada. The inaugural festival grew from three to five Canadian cities in 2014, and now includes Winnipeg, Toronto, Calgary, Ottawa, concluding in Vancouver. Spur is a festival exploring the intersection of politics, art and ideas, intending to encourage nationwide, multi-partisan and solutions-oriented change in Canada.

The Vancouver festival kicks off with a free reception and a talk moderated by The Tyee’sfounding editor, David Beers, entitled “This City in Seven Years: My Greenest City”.

The inaugural festival grew from three to five Canadian cities in 2014.

Other Spur Vancouver events include discussions, presentations, and performances on a variety of topics including the changing role of art galleries, public transportation in a “world class” city, and punk rock renegade artists. Spur’s “Books and Brunch” series involves an author, a café, and an audience all sitting down to explore difficult issues and complex ideas. By using literature and narrative, authors can present emotional or problematic circumstances in a more easily accessible format.

Award-winning author Steven Galloway will be having brunch on Saturday, May 24, reading and discussing his new novel, The Confabulist, about the life and death of magician Harry Houdini. The second “Books and Brunch” on Sunday, May 25, features celebrated author Shani Mootoo, who combines her own cultural heritage with a fictional narrative about the complex realities of family ties in Moving Forward Sideways Like a Crab.

While a full festival pass at $125 may be out of the range of a student’s budget, tickets are available for individual events. Single event tickets are $10 for students, $15 regular admission, and “Books and Brunch” events are $25 flat rate.

Spur Festival Vancouver runs May 22 to 25 at SFU Woodwards. For more information, visit spurfestival.ca/vancouver.

 

Thank the young players

By
EIC
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CMYK-Whitecaps-Alan Davey-Flickr copy

In case you missed it, Canadian soccer was given a beacon of hope earlier this month. The hope that our homegrown talent can effectively tangle with million dollar European talents was affirmed by a handful of defiant, debutant Vancouver Whitecaps.

When manager Carl Robinson named his preliminary squad call-ups to the first-leg match of the Amway Canadian Championship away to Toronto FC, fans were in a mix of shock, worry, and national excitement. Understandably so, the immense pressure to come out with a result after years of failed defensive strategies and agonizing defeats due to the “away goals rule” had taken its toll on the ‘Caps faithful.

Now, the onus was on a starting 11 with an average age of 22 to kick off the tournament away to a star-studded Toronto in the right fashion. Vancouver’s Welsh manager also gave three teenagers their first professional start at BMO field; most notably Calgary’s 17-year old shot stopper, Marco Carducci.

Captained by 21-year old Niagara Falls native Russell Teibert (who joined the ‘Caps residency program at age 16), the blue and white did not disappoint. The young guns finished more passes and shots on target — 323 and six over Toronto’s 318 and four respectively. On the defensive hand, the Vancouverites blocked three dangerous chances and Carducci came up big and composed during hectic moments.

The reds were no pushovers, and reaped a two-goal benefit provided by newly signed designated players Jermaine Defoe and Michael Bradley. Without hesitation, the Whitecaps answered the two-goal deficit just before the final whistle courtesy of 19-year old Kekuta Manneh’s strike.

Thus the hard work reaped reward: the FC won 2-1, but the ‘Caps left the pitch delighted with grabbing what could be a crucial away goal. Just a 1-0 victory at a home return leg could take them to the Amway Canadian Championship final.

Winning the Canadian Championship with homegrown talent could invigorate the spirit of Canadian soccer.

Carl Robinson’s faith in the explosive speed and technical abilities of the young Canadians has proven to be iconic for the nation and club alike. In the face of Toronto’s million dollar signings, the Whitecaps defiantly controlled and dictated what the fans had wanted and needed, in true David vs. Goliath fashion.

Robinson spoke highly of his players following the match. “Nobody expected anything from us,” he said. “I told the guys to [. . .] enjoy yourself and play with a smile. I think they certainly did that.” This single opportunity that Robinson has given these young players will surely galvanize them for years to come.

Winning the Canadian Championship with homegrown talent is the fairytale ending that could invigorate the spirit of the sport on Canadian soil. Aspiring starlets now know that there is a national tournament to strive for and potentially earn a first professional start. Teams do not always have to spend millions to gain victories and form a squad; youth can be the answer.

Soccer fans can attest to the revolutionary power of youth academies that create championship-winning homegrown players for world-class clubs such as Barcelona, and corresponding national teams like the current world champion, Spain. Canada is a long way away from these comparisons, yet the fans must feel a sense of resurgence and hope due to efforts like this landmark performance of the young Whitecaps.

To potentially host the World Cup in the year 2026, Canada will need a fortified talent core and national team to boot. If youth is the future, then the future certainly looks bright.

University Briefs

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EIC
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WEB-briefs-Naika Esenalieva-Flickr

 

Digital health for expectant mothers

The University of British Columbia has begun a program for prenatal education through text messaging. The digital health program, called SmartMom Canada, is headed by Professor Patti Janssen of the School of Population and Public Health in conjunction with the Child and Family Research Institute. 

Educational prenatal health information is sent by the agency to expectant mothers via text message. The service will connect pregnant women with health services and educate them on how to care for themselves and their babies before birth. According to Janssen, one of the main goals behind SmartMom is to provide educational information to individuals seeking knowledge, but who are unable to attend the classes.

With files from The Vancouver Sun

Poodle sculpture removed from Capilano U

Capilano University has seized a piece of art from its campus grounds. The work in question, named “Blathering on in Krisendom,” is a sculpture of university President Kris Bulcroft, toting a poodle and wrapped in the American flag. 

Capilano professor and creator of the piece, George Rammell, is calling for the return of the sculpture. “It’s ridiculous,” he said. He was informed by campus security that the administration had given them the authority to remove the piece from campus. “I called the RCMP to report the theft. The officer arrived and he said he had been talking to administration: they had asked him if they would be liable if they destroyed the sculpture,” said Rammell.

With files from The Georgia Straight

Grads at U of M to pay three times more

The University of Manitoba intends to increase graduate student fees by almost 330 per cent. As it stands now, students pay an initial program fee in their first year and then pay an annual continuing fee of $700. The plan is to increase that continuing fee to $3000. 

Dean Jay Doering says that the fees will go toward support for graduate students as well as administrative and library services. Despite the reasoning behind the tuition hike, a survey done by the University of Manitoba Graduate Student’s Association showed that the majority of students are concerned about the increase.

With files from Yahoo News

Do you know how hard I work to put food on this family’s table?

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EIC
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Listen up, I’ve been hearing a lot of complaints tonight and I’ve got to say that I am downright sick of it.

Can I get more water? When are the breadsticks going to be here already? Could I get that without onions? Can I get that but without the mushrooms and pepperoni instead? Come on! Why don’t you just order a pepperoni pizza instead of a mushroom pizza then?

I have to put up with a lot of shit just to get food on this goddamn family’s table and it’d be nice if, for once, someone would just appreciate it.

If I could just have one person thank me for remembering to stock the table with salt and pepper instead of just complaining about how there aren’t any napkins, it might be okay. Do I ever hear that though? No, I just hear a whole lot of whining.

I work really hard to provide families with their food, and sure I also get paid money for it, money that I will in turn use to buy myself a new Xbox, but still I’d like a little more recognition.

You think it’s easy for me to work here on select nights throughout the month? Putting in 10 to 15 hours, every single week? No way, it can be hell. I’ve missed out on tons of super fun, great parties just so that you don’t have to go hungry or have Darryl as your waiter (seriously, Darryl’s awful).

So please, show some goddamn respect when you come to one of my tables. As long as you are under my roof (well, Boston Pizza’s roof) you better show some gratitude.

I don’t have to do this for you, you know, I do it because I care. I care about getting that Xbox. Everyone I know has the new one and now I don’t have anyone to play with online, it’s the worst.

Anyway, hopefully now you’ll realize how hard I work to put food on this family’s table and just shut up about those breadsticks. They’re on their way. When I said 10 minutes, I meant 10 minutes. Just relax.

Sasquatch capture disappointingly easy

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EIC
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SQUAMISH – Local hiker Bob Jamison has finally found the Sasquatch, stumbling into him on a hiking trip. Bigfoot, or “Foot” as he likes to be called, was found “just chilling” watching television and drinking beer.

“To be quite honest, it was kind of stupid,” said Jamison. “I mean he was just sitting on a couch, a couch in the middle of the forest, where there are literally no couches, watching TV. How do you miss him? It’s like he wasn’t even trying.”

Upon being found, Bigfoot was reported to have said, “You got me man, you got me,” before returning to his nap.

“He looked like he was going to attack for me for second but then he just said, ‘Screw it’ and went to sleep. It was kind of pathetic,” added Jamison.

Perhaps most notably, Jamison had captured detailed pictures of the Sasquatch along with video evidence, a never previously accomplished feat. However, the American Bigfoot Watchers Association (ABWA) claims this disproves the sighting.

“Didn’t you notice that he’s not blurry?” asked president of the ABWA and self-proclaimed Sasquatch expert Alex T. Poklevich. “That’s like his trademark man, do you think Bigfoot would just forget to be blurry? He didn’t for us.”

An anonymous member of the ABWA stated that Poklevich was just concerned for their jobs.

“It’s pretty hard being a Bigfoot hunter if he actually exists, I mean people will believe us now,” he said. “I’ll probably have to find other work, maybe a government conspiracy nut, the History channel has shows on that, right?”

When asked to comment, Bigfoot said he was shocked, claiming that he put a lot of effort into hiding from humanity, only to be found lazing around at his home.

“I took all the precautions, you know. I disguised myself in public, when I went to the store I wore my fake mustache and glasses, pretended to read giant newspapers, I did everything right.”

When asked how his life will change as a result of this newfound exposure, “Foot” responded, “I’ll have to be more careful when I eat people . . . and I’ll probably have to pay for cable now.”

Board Shorts

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At-large rep off to Prague

Newly elected at-large representative Rebecca Langmead has left for Prague for two months. The board approved Langmead’s leave of absence at their board meeting on May 6. Although the bylaws state that the IRO must approve the leave, board approved Langmead’s request as the IRO position no longer exists.

Given that a board member on a leave is unable to fulfill requirements to receive their stipend (for instance, attending Clubs Days or attending council), Langmead will not receive her stipend. Although she is not receiving a stipend, SFSS President Chardaye Bueckert told The Peak that Rebecca plans to keep up on society matters via email and online by reading meeting minutes, etc.

Student At-Large Nominations

There has been a call for nominations for a student at-large to sit on various SFSS committees. While any member of the student society is welcome to attend all committee meetings, the upcoming elections will be for students who are to formally fill seats on these committees with voting rights. The nomination period is to end on Friday, May 23.

Elections Canada Workshop

VP, External Relations, Darwin Binesh, is to represent the SFSS at a workshop put on by Elections Canada surrounding the issue of low youth voter turnout. The event will take place downtown on May 29 and 30. The focus will be on the declining voter turnout of young people and how it can be improved. “Obviously, this would be pertinent to us, I think, as young people, not just as the board of directors,” said Binesh.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us:
[email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024