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Cops: The Musical hits sour note in Ferguson

By
Peak Web
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Fifteen people have been hospitalized with varying injuries after the debut performance of Cops: The Musical in Ferguson, Missouri resulted in violent rioting.

Eyewitnesses from the event say protesters trampled people and mobbed the stage immediately following the second half — which is reportedly the weaker of the two acts, lacking serious character development and dance numbers. Following the incident, performers told The Peak that they were unaware of any controversy surrounding police in the city.

“We thought everybody would love Cops,” said Aaron Shipmann, who plays the role of Officer McTaser. “The show has been on-air for 25 years now, so there’s clearly an audience for it.”

While the injuries ranged from minor scrapes to broken bones, it is reported that all of the victims are in stable condition.

The musical, which featured original songs like “White-Collar Crime Don’t Pay No Dime” and “Interrogation Station,” was reportedly unpopular with Ferguson residents.

“This is some kind of joke, right?” Derrick Rivera, a resident of Ferguson, told reporters after the show’s debut. “I mean, this sounds like something published in The Onion. Un-fucking-believable.”

According to Rivera, people “started goin’ apeshit” immediately following the musical number, “To Serve and Protect,” an upbeat, catchy tune about arresting tax evaders.

“We wanted to show a different side of police officers,” explained Shipmann. “In hindsight, what we went with may have been an insensitive choice.”

While general response has been that Cops: The Musical is hopelessly offensive and something that “only a person completely devoid of any trace of a soul” would come up with, the play has some critics singing on a high note, with many praising the show’s direction, integration of actor movement, and the decision to use actual rubber bullets instead of prop guns.

Burning down the house

By
EIC
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Mr. November, a former waiter, has come out as a strong supporter of the new hiring process

A fire department in the Lower Mainland has recently come under fire for reportedly hiring only attractive, strapping young individuals instead of older, more experienced firefighters.

With recent financial cutbacks and the rising cost of inflation, the fire department has been forced to look for alternative sources of revenue. The annual firefighter calendar — a favourite amongst locals —  has become increasingly popular over the years and is being cited as the main reason behind the shift in hiring methods.

“By hiring individuals that photograph well,” fire chief Ignatius Blandus told reporters, “we’re able to improve our yearly calendar and make up the difference for recent cutbacks. This is largely about finding a way to balance the books and avoid running a deficit.”

Instead of submitting traditional cover letters and resumes, applicants are being asked to send photo portfolios and recent headshots for consideration. Standard fitness examinations have also been replaced by auditions that measure a person’s ability to stand beside a burning building and smoulder for the camera.

However, some critics of the new hiring strategy are claiming it could ultimately put countless lives at risk.

“These men and women are being hired based solely on their killer bods and perfect facial bone structure,” local MP Bob Turpis explained in an email to The Peak. “The only fire-related experience many of them have is from burning up the club dancefloor on a Friday or Saturday night, so I have to call into question their ability to pull someone from a burning building.”

Blandus has been quick to defend his department’s decision though, saying the hiring process does take into account a person’s physique and toned, toned muscles. “We are basing our hires on a physical examination of a different type. Musculature can tell a lot about an individual; it both exemplifies attractiveness and strength. By using the portfolios to screen applicants, we are essentially getting the best of both worlds.

“If someone was rescuing you from a burning building, wouldn’t you rather be carried out by someone with the arms of a greek god or goddess? I know I would.”

Revenue from the department’s calendars is reportedly up 315 per cent from last year’s and the money is already being used to improve the firehouse’s facilities — which include a state-of-the-art photography studio space and a year’s supply of coverup and foundation.

“With results like these, it wouldn’t be surprising if this hiring strategy is taken up across the country,” explained SFU economics professor Dr. Diana Locke. “This could completely change the way in which essential services conduct fundraising. Police departments, paramedics, within the next few years, it’s possible they’ll all start publishing annual calendars and reevaluating their hiring processes.”

Regardless of the long-term effects this might have, Blandus is focussing on the immediate benefits his firehouse is seeing — all because of support from the community.

“We hope that each time you check to see what day of the week it is and you look at your firefighter calendar, you’ll be reminded of the contribution you made to help better your community: better facilities, quality services, and more abs.”

The five stages of grief (of having gone to the bathroom without your phone)

By
EIC
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1) Denial and Isolation: Hmmm, your phone’s usually in the left pocket. Maybe it’s in the right one? Nope, not there either. You might’ve accidentally put it in your back pocket before rushing to the bathroom. Not in that one either? Better check the front ones again, just to be safe.

2) Anger: Good lord, how did people shit before they had cell phones? What are you supposed to do without Candy Crush? The bathroom’s also where you get most of your texting done. Literally anything could be going on in the outside world and you would have no idea. What if a high-profile celebrity just died? Twitter’s probably exploding with tweets about Cher dying and you’ll get back from the bathroom and someone will ask, “Hey, did you hear Cher died?” And you’ll lie and say, “Of course I knew!” But you didn’t. All because you were stupid enough to not bring your goddamn phone with you to the bathroom.

3) Bargaining: Okay, this isn’t so bad. This must be what that Jezebel article was talking about, getting away from technology and just being left with your thoughts. Maybe this might be the best thing that ever happened to you. Just pass the time reading some bathroom graffiti and it’ll be over before you know it . . . Geez, people love drawing dicks on bathroom stalls. I’ll just count the floor tiles instead.

4) Depression: You’re going to die here. You’re going to die in this stall, with your pants around your ankles, insufferably bored out of your mind. What’s the point of even going to the bathroom if you don’t have something to do while you’re there? At least in heaven, every bathroom stall will probably come with its own iPad or Wii or something.

5) Acceptance: It’s over. It is done. Your morning bowl of Raisin Bran or afternoon roasted butternut squash has been successfully purged from your body and you’re ready to take on the rest of the day. It was kind of nice being away from your phone for a little bit. Maybe you should start leaving it at home sometimes, just to take a break from it all. You’d probably save a bunch of data. Maybe you’ll even be a bit more social . . . Ah, fuck it. Better see what Snoop Dogg’s up to on Instagram right now.

Approaching suicide prevention from a different angle

By
Peak Web
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Last month, the world was shocked by actor and comedian Robin Williams’ suicide. Soon after his death, a public discussion on ways to prevent suicide was opened, and it is certainly no coincidence that the World Health Organization (WHO) issued its first global report on suicide prevention last week.

The WHO’s report suggests that suicide can be prevented by improving the social conditions of the poor and middle class, by removing exaggerated coverage of suicide from the media, and by identifying and managing those with mental illness and addiction.

Unfortunately, the report focuses heavily on improving standards of living for lower income people, rather than on the importance of treating people with mental illness. In addition, it merely skims over the importance of the media’s role in suicide prevention through creating awareness of aid resources.

These two preventative measures most definitely take priority over global living conditions, as they offer direct solutions that work on both local and international scales.

Firstly, the correlation between mental illness and suicide is an important factor which should be considered as more of a priority in preventing self-murder. A study in the Oxford Journal of Medicine concluded that 90 per cent of United States suicide victims were diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder, and that the best preventive method against suicide is to effectively treat those with mental illness.

The WHO’s report suggests that suicide can be prevented by improving the social conditions of the poor and middle class.

Furthermore, the media’s representations of suicide are important to consider, as studies show the issue can be directly linked with technology. We are bombarded by suicide sensationalized on social media, in news outlets, and in television shows.

Some social media innovators, however, have begun to take advantage of media to combat this issue. The WHO should recognize these preventive attempts, and seriously take into consideration a further expansion of these technological efforts.

In 2011, Facebook partnered with the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), to allow status updates that express thoughts of suicide. Facebook could then send these users a message, providing them with a Lifeline number and a direct link to an online crisis counsellor.

Furthermore, the popular iPhone feature Siri can also be used to seek help for those with thoughts of suicide. Siri is programmed to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline when a user says something that indicates thoughts of suicide.

All in all, while improving the standards of living for low income families may help prevent suicide, it is not a priority because it is a large-scale measure; one that would take lots of time and resources to carry out. Instead, the WHO should look at more accessible solutiowwns that involve the improvement of mental health care, and the media’s projections of suicide to the public. This will ensure that people get the help they need right away.

Lack of finish hurts the Whitecaps

By
EIC
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0
The Whitecaps have run into serious scoring problems as of late disappointing fans.

It’s become a broken record for all those who follow the Vancouver Whitecaps: they can’t score. Until Wednesday’s game, they were held off the score sheet since August 16 — just under a month. It was so bad, it was cringe inducing.

The one silver lining in all of this is that they aren’t out of the playoff race just yet; as a matter of fact they’re actually two points up on the Portland Timbers (as of Wednesday, September 10). But they have to start making up ground, and fast. Scoreless draws like the one we were treated to against the DC United on Saturday, September 6 will not help them.

It’s not as if the Whitecaps have no idea what to do once they get the ball. They’ve been creating quality chances, just not converting.

A perfect example of what has been ailing the Whitecaps came in the 11th minute against the United. Mauro Rosales started a beautiful counter-attack after some DC United pressure, which led to Darren Mattocks having a wide open net from six yards out, but he ballooned the ball over the net.

Kendall Watson had another glorious chance in the 31st from a set piece — a header from six yards out — but put it wide. Mattocks had yet another chance near the end of the first half, getting sent in nearly all alone after being kept onside by centerback Steve Birnbaum.

That’s three glorious chances in the first half alone. If even one of them goes in, the ‘Caps get the three points and are in solid playoff position.

One idea for the ‘Caps going forward would be to create more shots on goal, especially on target. They had a decent total in the United game, with 15 shots directed at the goal, but of those 15, only three were credited with hitting the target. More shots on target will mean more rebounds, which the ‘Caps could try to turn into goals.

However, no new help is expected for the stretch run. President Bob Lenarduzzi stated that he’s not willing to sacrifice the team’s future to bring in an established veteran, so scoring will have to come from within.

Despite all of this, manager Carl Robinson is still preaching patience with his squad. “Just got to keep doing what we’re continuing to do,” he said at the post match press conference on Saturday. “Hopefully we’ll get a break or we’ll take a number of chances we’ve missed tonight.”

Luckily, the fate of the Whitecaps post season aspirations is still in his players’ feet. For all of us who support the ‘Caps, we surely hope that this goalless streak had more to do with luck rather than a worrying trend for the near future, and that Wednesday was a sign of things to come.

Putting golf back on the map

By
EIC
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Head coach John Buchanan led the men’s golf team to place 17th at last year’s national championship in Allendale, MI.

Last year, the men’s golf team placed 17th in the national championship, and according to head coach John Buchanan, they achieved that “without playing that well” in the tournament.

That’s quite an accomplishment for a team that had to be rebuilt from the ground up five years ago; after being cut in 2006 due to financial problems, the team was once again granted varsity status.

The team’s climb was rocky, as they not only had to restart a golf program but also work to become NCAA calibre. However, as time went on, the team grew and so did their reputation, attracting higher class talent.

“Eventually, the dust started to settle and some of the local kids who might have gone south, but for whatever reason didn’t, came to SFU,” explained Buchanan.

He also noted that SFU’s academic reputation probably played a helping hand in that growth, drawing players such as Brayden Brown, an NCAA Division I transfer from Arkansas State University. “[SFU] is a really good school; that attracts people,” said the coach.

This year, the men’s team looks to improve on last year’s placing, and Buchanan believes that they can. However, he says that it’s all mental, a game of confidence, rather than a question of skill.

“We’ve got the capability of winning a national championship, it’s as simple as that. It’s the matter of whether they believe they can win a national championship,” Buchanan elaborated. “They’re as good as the Americans.”

He went on to explain that without confidence, they are giving the other teams a “head start.”

There is, however, a hole left by the absence of Mike Belle, SFU’s premiere player and last year’s GNAC player of the year, who graduated from NCAA eligibility. Last season, he held the best average score in the GNAC with 74 strokes.

Coach Buchanan states, though, that the team will make up for the loss with increased depth and more experienced returners: “Although we’ve lost our number one man, the three that are returning have matured.”

The returners include sophomore Kevin Vigna, who was last season’s GNAC freshman of the year and first Clan winner of the GNAC Championship, and junior Brett Thomson, who in the offseason placed eighth in the Canadian Amateur Championship, held in his hometown of Winnipeg. Both were selected to the all-conference team along with Belle and senior John Mlikotic.

Despite the fact that the men’s team are becoming a model of success, the women’s team has not reached the same pedigree, yet. “[The women’s team is] probably a year to two years from that, [but] we’ve already started to trend towards it,” Buchanan commented.

This season, he has already seen a portion of that upward trend, saying, “For the first time, we’ve actually got depth in our women’s team.” They currently have nine players listed on the roster including freshman additions Michelle Waters, Breanna Croxen, and Kyllie Jack.

This year, the men hope to continue their ascension to one of the top teams in the GNAC, while the women’s team work to carve out their own future success.

The Clan men open their season at the St. Martin’s Invitational in Olympia, WA on September 19 to 20, while the women’s team start at the SMU Invitational in Lacey, WA on October 6 to 7.

Seahawks look to repeat

By
EIC
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Anyone living around here who follows the NFL should remember last year’s glorious Super Bowl, when the Seattle Seahawks crushed the Denver Broncos 43-8. It was rather hilarious hearing viewers (or should I say reading their online comments) complain about how it was the most boring Super Bowl ever. Sports-wise, it was one of the best things I have ever seen, with the Seahawks not only winning, but clearly, and utterly, dominating the Broncos.

However, now the question is whether the Seahawks can win two years in a row.

I don’t think there is too much of a question about whether they will dominate the regular season. It’s pretty clear that they are currently the best team in the league, and if not the best, then at least one of the leaders of the pack. Their season opener against the Green Bay Packers, in which the Seahawks won 36-16, showed that they are still a dominant force even when not playing the best football.

However, defending the Vince Lombardi trophy two times in a row is a lot more difficult than it sounds, with a repeat win not having happened since the New England Patriots won it back-to-back in 2004 and 2005.

The last team to pose a real threat for two consecutive Super Bowls was the Green Bay Packers, who went 15-1 in the regular season, only to fall in the divisional playoffs (after receiving a first round bye).

That’s about as dominant a season as you can have, other than 16-0 which the Patriots had in 2008 when they blew it against the New York Giants, after making it to the Super Bowl.

The point being, these elite teams are still fallible; no matter how unstoppable they look, it still only takes one game to lose and you’re out. One bad game and the lesser team can advance.

Also, at any moment, untimely injuries can occur, slumps can happen at just the wrong time, and truthfully, the competition is still pretty darn good. The San Francisco 49ers are probably as dominant as the Seahawks, and really, the Super Bowl could have been theirs last year.

With that being said, the Seahawks look awesome. They have not lost too many key guys (with the exception of Golden Tate) and perhaps with a bit of luck, they could have an almost ‘new’ elite player in Percy Harvin (as he missed most of last season).

They look scary good, and if there’s a team that could win back to back Super Bowls, it is surely them.

Don’t shop at Ikea

By
EIC
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0

As autumn rolls into Metro Vancouver, I am sure that many of you, like myself, will invest in new home furnishings for your dorm, apartment, bedroom, the list goes on. This semester however, I encourage you to shop Ikea-free.

Don’t get me wrong, I too love the look and design of Ikea furniture — plus who can resist the hotdogs, meatballs and frozen yogurt? Simply put, I refuse to buy from a company that violates Canadian labour laws and tries to force its employees to work for less.

According to Teamsters Local 213, the union representing the Richmond Ikea workers, an issue began when Ikea imposed wage cuts, axed benefits, and reduced the hours of its full time staff. When staff refused the proposed changes, the corporate giant locked out over 300 of its workers. Ikea then attempted some hardball tactics, such as reducing workers’ pay for  every day they stayed off the job. But sadly, that isn’t the end of the unfair labour practices.

The corporate giant then ignored labour laws by trying to negotiate with the employees directly on an online job website instead of going through the union. According to a Labour Relations Board (LRB) ruling, Ikea must now pay damages to the union for unfair negotiation tactics.

Profit should not be made off workers’ backs, but rather through product sales.

Last year Ikea had record sales, reporting an annual increase of 3.1 per cent. However, in countries such as the United States, Turkey, Russia and France, Ikea is being accused of poor labour relations. Profit should not be made off workers’ backs, but rather through product sales.

It’s easy to pretend that this problem isn’t real, or at the very least doesn’t affect you. But that is the exact mentality big business hopes that you will maintain. These workers are our neighbours; they are members of our community and are being bullied by this corporation.

Despite the LRB ruling, employees are still not back at work, as Ikea does not feel pressured by the 300 ‘little guys’ who are taking a stance. The company is asking its Richmond workers to accept less without due cause. We should not admire nor give our business to a corporation that shows blatant disrespect for labour law and workers’ rights. Therefore, I say it’s time to boycott this brand.

If Ikea won’t listen to its employees, it will have to listen to us, the consumers. Take a stance against the corporate bullying by furnishing your home or dorm with the products of a company that is committed to protecting its workers. Ikea’s workers were asked to accept less than what their previous contract promised — they are not asking for anything more than what they once had.

This semester, I hope you join me in the Ikea boycott, and put pressure on the corporation to resolve this labour dispute.

Clan victorious in six goal thriller

By
EIC
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0
Niko Schroettle weaves the ball around the Vulcans.

On Tuesday evening, the SFU men’s soccer team grabbed their second win of the season in exciting fashion over the University of Hawaii-Hilo Vulcans with a 4-2 result.

The Clan have shown themselves to be deadly from their set-pieces in recent matches, and just 10 minutes into play they were ahead thanks to Joel Malouf’s headed goal from Alex Rowley’s corner-kick. With momentum in their favour, the men struck again when Magnus Kristensen’s lobbed ball was brought down by Ryan Dhillon outside the opponent’s box, who then laid a simple ball for Jovan Blagojevic to slot home.

Goalkeeper Ivan Hutsulyak made the most of his Clan debut and confidently swept away the rare chances made by the Vulcans in the first half. The Clan kept immense pressure going from all angles and finished the half with 13 shots.

The second half provided more intense resistance from Hawaii-Hilo, but not before the Clan would take their lead to three when Niko Schroettle won a penalty kick that Blagojevic converted from the spot. Immediately after, the Vulcans created clear goal scoring chances, but efforts from Mike Reckmeyer and Jamie Sporcic were shot wide of the Clan goal. Reckmeyer would come back to haunt the Clan with a stunning bicycle kick goal in the 71st minute. With the tide turning, the Vulcan offence were able to build more pressure into the Clan’s 18-yard box and won a penalty kick, scored by Reckmeyer again.

Screen Shot 2014-11-26 at 5.51.56 PMOnly two minutes later, the Clan found their fourth goal from a counter attack of blistering pace when Dhillon picked out substitute Callum Powell, who calmly rolled the through ball past the UHH keeper. The Vulcans went out guns blazing until the last minute with their free kick smacking the crossbar to the delight of the home crowd.

“It was more exciting than it should’ve been, we took our foot off the pedal,” said head coach Alan Koch. “They gave us a good run for our money, but thank goodness we weathered the storm and showed maturity.”

The coach added his excitement for freshman Callum Powell: “He’s been chomping at the bit for more playing time and he came in tonight and proved himself. He’s explosive, dynamic, and I hope he can build on that.”

The Clan lose series to the Vulcans

By
EIC
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0

In their opening matches of non-conference play, SFU’s women’s soccer team suffered double-header defeats against the University of Hawaii-Hilo. Early stages of both matches saw stout defending and resistance to the Vulcans’ pressure thanks to the defensive leadership of Clan senior Kelsey Atherley. Freshman goalkeeper Priya Sandhu showed great confidence between the woodwork in the opening stages and was quick off her line.

While their first match was limited to just one goal from an unlucky rebound, the return leg provided far more struggle for SFU.

Despite keeping their first match scoreless for the first 45-minutes, the Vulcans were able to break the deadlock early in the second game. A handful of fearless and aggressive slide tackles in the opening minutes led the Clan to concede a penalty kick in the 23rd minute. Kristine Pasek’s ensuing penalty kick was unstoppable for Sandhu. With 10 minutes left in the half, Clan sophomore Kate Pearsall showed great composure to chest down Devon Kollmyer’s corner and volley home the equalizer.

The Vulcans were quick to snatch the lead again just minutes later, after an unmarked Taylor Wright side-volleyed a corner kick from Amanda Dominguez just two minutes later. Second half proceedings continued much like the first, with the Clan soaking in some strong pressure from the Vulcans with more defensive prowess.

Screen Shot 2014-11-26 at 5.53.15 PMPearsall continued to alter the game with her surging run to the opponents box in the 58th minute and thru ball to Sierra Leung, but the move was quickly cut out by Hawaii’s defence. Ten minutes later, the Clan were given their best chance to equalize after the Vulcan keeper spilled across into the box, but Andrea Di Lorenzo was pressured out of scoring.

Defending from set-pieces was, again, a weak point for the Clan after Caroline Stromick gave the Vulcans their two-goal lead with a stunning volley from another corner kick with just 10 minutes left. Unfortunately the Clan were unable to recover from the deficit and finished with a tough loss.

“We’ve introduced a different style of soccer to the girls, it’s a process, so once that develops then we hope the results will go our way,” said assistant coach Anna Picarelli.

Assistant coach Chris Sargeant added, “We could do better with defensive shape, and then introduce ways to play through opposing teams and hopefully we will get more chances that way.”

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us:
[email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024