By: Sasha Rubick, Fact Checker
In 2025, the British Museum unveiled an online exhibit titled Colonialism: A Digital Experience. The paywalled, by-subscription-only website was created to make stolen artifacts more accessible, and held the controversial mission statement, “History belongs to everyone, as long as it is nailed to the floor in London.” After facing severe backlash, the museum has released a statement, which is as follows:
In the spirit of democracy that Britain has historically propagated worldwide via peaceful invasion, the British Museum welcomes socratic dialogue. An itty-bitty verbal tiff between neoliberals — why, that’s our tea and crumpets! But myself and my wigged compatriots at the British Museum have been quaking in our wellies seeing the insurrectionist whinging of the tabloids this past year concerning our online exhibit. Nonetheless, in an act of gracious neighbourliness, we have axed the website [hold for applause]. We thusly present our defence of our actions to our noble countrymen; esteemed representatives of the Nobel Foundation; and the mob of complaining, unsavoury internationals; in that order. In the spirit of settler-colonialism, ‘tis high time that we situate this kerfuffle behind us and pretend it never existed. Off we go!
Firstly, we at the British Museum have been positively knackered by the ludicrous idea that we should somehow “return stolen artifacts to their rightful owners.” Hast thou no sense at all? The foremost concern of the British Museum is the protection of stolen artifacts. The prerequisites of a nation to protect its own artifacts are as follows: 1) an arsenal of nuclear weapons, and 2) a squadron of silent soldiers in very tall hats. Until one possesses both, they are in no position to protect their own cultural lineage, and we shall benevolently undergo the task on their behalf. By God, imagine if somebody threw soup at it, or misplaced it with their improper archival skills. Nothing like that would ever happen in London.
Moreover, we at the British Museum think that one culture is being neglected amidst this dialogue — why has nobody mentioned British culture? Theft is our great nation’s most beloved pastime; we love it even more than football and transphobia. Be it the Benin Bronzes, the Rosetta Stone, or the Parthenon sculptures; what is consistent is that we rob indiscriminately . . . or maybe a tad bit discriminantly (shhh). The British Museum has borrowed artifacts, and now we’re stealing money by loaning those artifacts to the very people we borrowed them from! Likewise, it is time-honoured British cultural practice to keep old, dusty artifacts around and claim that they’ll rake in tourist dollars. Just look at our monarchy! And do pray tell, why oughtn’t an upstanding institution such as the British Museum partake in traditional British ritual?
Our online exhibit was truly ingenious, and we will not apologize for it. After all, we achieved our ultimate goal: stealing the credit for stealing! When you think of “stolen artifacts,” you think of the British Museum — that’s what we call a mighty-good PR move. We’ll gladly steal away your tourist dollars, because we profit from the belief that one needs an aeroplane ticket to see stolen artifacts. By all means, languish in the futility of seeking repatriation across the pond; and forget that collections, museums, and universities right in your neighbourhood do the exact same thing. Ta!
