By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Diva 

Dear Diary, 

I can’t lie, life has been wild recently. I don’t know what’s going on with the universe — I think Mercury is definitely in retrograde. Either that, or the universe has developed a remarkable sense of comedic timing. These songs played in the most ridiculous situations all this week. I’m hiding inside my home from now on, for real. 

“Every Day’s a Lesson in Humility” by Suki Waterhouse & Belle and Sebastian 

Every day’s a lesson in futility

Got to take the dogs out

Every day’s a lesson in humility

Got to eat my own words

It’s so embarrassing to be alive, girl. On Sunday, I was at the mall in the food court. I had just done some shopping, and I decided to get a bowl of pho. I sat down with my pho, took a bite, yadayada. Right then, I saw a friend walking through the mall in my direction. I got so excited to see her — we hadn’t seen each other in months! I stood up in the middle of the food court and yelled, “SARAH!” spraying a mouthful of food, EWW. I shocked (and probably disgusted) a bunch of people around me. Oopsie. But then . . . I guess my jacket got caught under the bowl because it spilled. ALL. OVER. ME. Girl. I was MORTIFIED. AND THEN. My “friend” locked eyes with me and pretended to gag. I GASPED. She strutted away, laughing, and I was there, DRENCHED in beef soup and noodles with the ENTIRE FOOD COURT watching as I made a fool of myself. Then, this bitch-ass song played — it was insane timing, evil even. That was the worst way to spend $18 ever.

“Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

OK. Diary, let me set the scene for this one. I’m at H-Mart after a serious and horrible realization. It’s a Tuesday at 10:00 a.m., and I have makeup POURING down my face — I had just realized that being a popstar without having any singing or dancing talent is not a viable career path. Girl, I do NOT need this emotional turmoil before my dentist appointment, and I was literally BANKING on that career path. I am feeling this song so hard, walking through the aisles with my heartbreak in the air, MELTING on the floor while sob-singing this song in the frozen section. Then, girl, security kicks me out. I KNOW. H-mart hates to see a diva like me coming, I guess. So I get my cute butt moving, I go to my dentist appointment with makeup smudged all over my face, and then I get trapped in a sterile room with my dental hygienist scraping metal against my teeth. I am still so distraught that I forget to lie when she asks if I’ve been flossing. And then, I hear:

I took my love, I took it down

GIRLLLL. THEY’RE PLAYING THE SONG AT THE DENTIST’S TOO. What the hell am I supposed to do?? Cry, with my mouth wide open? Why is this acceptable radio music?? Ugh, musicians are so useless anyway.

I literally couldn’t believe it. I’ve gone THROUGH it this week, and these songs are officially ruined for me now. Girllll, whatever. At least my teeth are clean.

With love,

Noeka