By: C Icart, President of the Superior Players Against Sore Losers Society
Four SFU students have found themselves in a peculiar situation — they need to win a game of UNO against their professor to pass their class. This unorthodox way of determining final grades was not without its flaws. The rules of the classic card game are known to divide friends, families, and nations.
The world has not been the same since UNO’s Twitter account announced that, according to the official rules, stacking Draw Two Cards is not permitted. The Pawn interviewed a random person who stepped on our shoes on the SkyTrain about this affair, and they said, “Now, why did Lizzo open her mouth and ask for clarification about the rules? What we didn’t know did not hurt us.”
Now, why are students challenging their professor to UNO in the first place? Noah Dea, one of the students involved, told us, “Bro, I won’t lie to you; we flopped hardcore on our group project. You know how there’s always one person who picks up the slack and saves everyone? We didn’t have that,” he said. “Our presentation looked and felt like we were playing that game where you have to present PowerPoint slides you’ve never seen before.”
This resilient group persevered by challenging their professor to UNO. If they won, they’d all get an A. “They wouldn’t even be in this mess had they put half as much effort into the assignment, but I never get to have fun in my classroom anymore, so I agreed,” said professor Simon Chutney. “There are only so many ways to teach Tie the Knot: Introduction to Tie Tying.”
The game took place in the Student Union Building and was live–streamed for maximum viewership. “I told my other students I’d give them extra credit if they smack-talked my opponents in the chat,” smirked professor Chutney. The game quickly got heated as they began stacking Draw Twos and Draw Fours. That was the one official rule they agreed to break “because it’s literally so ridiculous like be so for real.” (That was a quote from someone we happened to make eye contact with while washing our hands in one of the few washrooms that actually consistently has soap).
An avalanche of Skips and Reverses hit the table as Dea, representing the students, charged towards victory. As he put down his second-to-last card (a blue Number Nine Card), all four students yelled “UNO” in unison. professor Chutney replied by putting down a Wild Park Reverse Neutral Drive Low card. “I had heard rumours of the mythical PRNDL card, but I didn’t think I’d ever see it in real life! It’s like seeing an alien; is it real or am I hallucinating?” whispered Bathroom Girl (we ran into her again by the sinks post-game; small bladders).
The students immediately protested, calling into question the authenticity of the card. “Someone bring out the magnifying glass! Ref! I’m calling for a ref! I’m pretty sure this card was printed at Bennett Library. It feels like it cost 25 cents per side,” exclaimed Joshua Ginger as he rubbed and sniffed the card. This is notable because no one expected to see Ginger at the UNO card game, given that he had ghosted his groupmates for the presentation.
They called Mattel’s CEO to come determine if the uber-rare card (that would require the students to use the already-played cards to build a lifesize car in 10 minutes or less) was a counterfeit. “He agreed, of course. CEOs don’t really do anything, so he’s got a ton of free time,” explained Professor Chutney. He is set to land directly on Burnaby Mountain with his private jet on April 1. Needless to say, his verdict is awaited with bated breath.
This is a story The Pawn will continue to cover.
