By: C Icart, Humour Editor
I’m a TA. Some might even say I’m the best TA (and they would be so unequivocally correct). So naturally, academic integrity (only second to graphic design) is my passion. I spend all my free time looking for new ways to instill “the values of honesty, trust, fairness, respect, responsibility, and courage” into my students. AND YET! Once in a while someone tries to bamboozle me.
This type of behaviour disappoints me. It makes me sad because I make all my students pinky swear they won’t cheat on day one. That way I have grounds to send them the “I was rooting for you” GIF if they betray me. It also makes me sad because the experience is never fun. It’s all ChatGPT and no creativity.
It’s always, “Oops! I accidentally submitted the wrong file!” and never, “Tina Knowles’ hacker also hacked me and submitted the wrong assignment!” If you’re going to lie, COMMIT! Why would you choose an excuse that has its own WikiHow page? Booooooorinnngggggg! Do not submit corrupted files to Canvas in 2025. It’s so passé and you could do SO MUCH BETTER!
Don’t send your TA a picture from a positive COVID-19 rapid test you got from Google Images in 2025. Instead, walk your (masked) butt to the damn pharmacy, get yourself an actual rapid test, and use it for real! I’ve seen how many of y’all are in the packed lecture halls unmasked, and I’ve seen the wastewater data. DENIAL IS A RIVER IN EGYPT! You are actually sick!
Finally, let’s talk about the “Dead Grandmother Problem.” This one is old school. There’s a theory that students’ grandparents are more likely to die before exams than any other time of year. Some might think it’s because students are lying. Mike Adams theorized that it’s because “family members literally worry themselves to death over the outcome of their relatives’ performance on each exam.” Personally, I think students resort to killing their grandparents because you cannot be asked to take a final exam in jail. And while that’s absolutely evil behaviour, I cannot say it’s not commitment to the bit.
BUT IT’S NOT CREATIVE (yes, I’m screaming again. Go cry to your mom about it)! Cheating is almost always more complicated and convoluted than just doing the assignment (which is so embarrassing for you unless you embrace being extra). Come up with an excuse I haven’t heard before! Gather all your friends to film an elaborate video of you getting abducted by aliens (no CGI, do all your own effects). Go to magician school so you can learn how to make everyone pass out in class like Elphaba. Innovate in the field of cheating. I’ll still catch you but at least I’ll get a good story out of it!
