By: Sonya Janeshewski, Peak Associate
Aries
March 21–April 19
If you’re an Aries man, yikes. You’re already prone to Chronic Mansplaining, which can be reputation-threatening if not caught early. To avoid a cosmic pummeling, be humbled publicly this week. If you’re an Aries non-man, this is your chance to do the humbling.
Taurus
April 20–May 20
You’re the kind of person who always wears the same outfit to campus like a cartoon character and makes plans only to regret leaving your dorm. This week, I advise eating vegetables and seeking out dark, moist environments because your goal is clearly to turn into an earthworm. Not even a caterpillar who will transform into a butterfly — you’ll just become a slightly older worm.
Gemini
May 21–June 20
Are you constantly trying to be the “goofy” friend? Is your one personality trait that you’re “unserious?” Gemin-I don’t care. I’m surprised you can walk up the stairs to the AQ the way you’re using humour as a crutch. This week, put a cast on that fractured funny bone and heal by finding a personality.
Cancer
June 21–July 22
This week, avoid fur coats because people might mistake you for a doormat. And they would be right. So wipe the footprints off your face and remember that desperation is cringe. Never get played by someone who looks like one of the glyptodon from Ice Age.
Leo
July 23–August 22
You know diamonds are a girl’s best friend, yet you’re still settling for granite acquaintances? Make it make sense. This week, dump that situationship. Regardless of the problem, just do that.
Virgo
August 23–September 22
Virgos are some of the most judgemental people. Put that watchful eye to use this week and check yourself, or better yet, use it to kickstart your career. Your sharp tongue could chop vegetables, and all that arguing would make you a decent lawyer. Of course, there’s also the best career for judgemental people — writing student newspaper horoscopes.
Libra
September 23–October 22
Summer’s here, and you think love is in the air, but that’s just pollen from the neighbour’s daisies. At least something’s getting some action, though. This week, give your habits a romcom protagonist glow-up because the only double D’s you have right now are Desperation and Dehydration. Your knight in shining armour would not make you wait like this, so book your own table at Pho 99.
Scorpio
October 23–November 21
You’re not a rare breed, but you sure are a strange one. I know you bought one leather jacket and think you’re cool now, but I’ve got bad news for you — no one’s buying the edgy act. Every time you turn around, we see the Southside Serpents logo. This week, I recommend finding a new wardrobe aesthetic that isn’t “Riverdale wardrobe liquidation sale.”
Sagittarius
November 22–December 21
If I have any advice for you this week, it’s to first lower your voice a few decibels. Actually, lower everything: your expectations, your screen time, your shoulders . . . This week, don’t forget your lower body workouts. This way, when you hit the floor this weekend, you’ll have no problem getting low low low low low low low low. Thank me later.
Capricorn
December 22–January 19
You’re known as the “mature” friend, because you were the first person in your friend group to get grey hair. No matter how much you scream that it’s just one and you only got it because organic chemistry midterm was brutal, you can’t escape the grandma allegations. Stop letting these insecure children age you before your time. This week, ditch the stamp collecting and do something to remind yourself of your youth, like hit the club or throw a raging kegger. After all, responsibility is only good in moderation.
Aquarius
January 20–February 18
Before you finally decide to escape to the woods and go off the grid once and for all, maybe chill for a second. No way are you surviving out there. While bears are better than men, they won’t stop to hear that opinion if they catch your honey-propolis shampoo. This week, try to find a playlist that isn’t entirely Taylor Swift’s folklore.
Pisces
February 19–March 20
Oh Pisces, head in the clouds and stars in your eyes. But you’d better bring yourself down to earth because you’re more hopeless than romantic. If you don’t put boundaries up fast, your dreams will turn into nightmares full of unachieved goals and waking up on grimy mattresses to someone who made you split the check at A&W. This week, challenge yourself by going a day without checking if your crush saw your Instagram story.
