By: Cam Darting, Peak Associate and C Icart, Humour Editor
Dear Peakie,
I have given birth to so many children you’d think I was Little John’s wife! No galvanized steel is needed for me, though; I prefer to work on poles. Anyhow, my children continue to spread lies about me! Accusing me of forgetting their names, editing them unfairly on my ever-expanding television franchise where I make them strut for the viewers’ entertainment (mommy-vloggers wish they were me), and even fracking! How do I get my kids to start respecting me?
Sincerely,
I Made Them RuGirls, And I Can Unmake Them RuGirls
Dear I Made Them RuGirls, And I Can Unmake Them RuGirls,
You are living the dream life. You are what Kate Plus 8 wishes she was. You, my queen, are the blueprint. Kids are nothing but mere extensions of our bodies, which should be used for our own personal gain. You did not carry all those kids in your womb for nine months just for them to disrespect you like this. SHOW THEM WHO’S BOSS. No! Not by grounding them . . . by buying them what they want! They may not respect you, but I know for a fact they will respect that cash 😉
You better milk them kids,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
Today, I walked down Davie Street with my partner of two weeks, picking out baby names. It was a fantastic chat. We held hands on the rainbow crosswalk as I sipped on an iced matcha and she enjoyed an iced chai. But, as I was fiddling with my 15 rings, it dawned on me that we hadn’t considered the most important thing! What will our children call me? Combining mom and dad into a gender-neutral alternative has proven difficult, mad and dom probably won’t work . . . Any ideas?
Sapphically,
Historians Would Call Us Best Friends
Dear Historians Would Call Us Best Friends,
This is a recurring question many 2SLGBTQIA+ individuals have. You see all those white country folks calling their grandparents meemaw, peepaw, juju, etc. Why not do the same? I suggest that your kid call you Your Highness. It creates an automatic sense of respect for you, and it’ll make you feel like royalty! If you don’t like that, try Mighty Ruler or Always Right. TBH, I think this is the least of your worries. You should focus on how to stop wearing those tacky 15 rings.
Get a stylist,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
We are very sad. Someone created this Pride flag with our missile company’s logo on it. Because we care so much about people, we cannot take credit for the image even though it’s nicer than the banner we use when participating in Pride parades. On top of that, people are criticizing the lovely inclusive flag. How do we explain to the haters that it’s 2024 and the gays can engage in war crimes, too?
Sincerely,
Slaying In My Rainbow Fighter Jet
Dear Slaying In My Rainbow Fighter Jet,
UGH! Don’t listen to the critics. Of course, military support companies belong at Pride. World War III WILL be 2SLGBTQIA+ inclusive. The queer community is perfect to advertise to. Do people not realize the athleticism it takes for a drag queen to do all those death drops? Or the courage it takes for a lesbian to rock a pixie cut? I’ve had enough. Queers can be murderers too!!! I said it, who cares about intersectionality? Certainly not the queer people these companies are hurting! Start spreading the word because we’re gonna need all the glitter and sparkles we can get if we are funding nuclear weapons.
Let’s slay (literally and figuratively),
Peakie
