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STORYTIME: THE SPIDER IN MY BATHROOM HAS A FINSTA

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Peak Web
Peak Web
2 min.
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PHOTO: K​​arolina Grabowska / Pexels

By: C Icart, Humour Editor

Hi everyone! Welcome back to my channel! I’m sure everyone has been wondering where I’ve been because y’all are obsessed with me. And truthfully, I needed to take a little social media break. I know I have a videographer and an editor and barely do any work to keep this channel running, but being rich and pretty on the internet is hard work. 

Let me know in the comments what I missed while I was offline vacationing via private jet. I mean, other than Noah Schnapp’s half-baked damage control video. Like, I’m not going to lie; I’m out of touch, but even I know what genocide looks like. #FreePalestine 

Anywaysssss, today’s video is sponsored by some meal prep kit that you don’t need and that I don’t actually use! Why would you go to the grocery store to buy ingredients when you can get them delivered to your house in tiny portions wrapped in an atrocious amount of single-use plastic? The kit won’t keep you full, forcing you to still go to the grocery store to supplement, but that’s a small cost to pay to support a union-busting company with terrible working conditions! Okay, okay, my manager is saying I’m not allowed to write my own ads anymore . . . 

So anyways yeah! If you use my discount code BYESTALE it will still be expensive for you, but I will get paid. 

Oh my god! Let me get right into this juicy story! Y’all have been waiting long enough. So, I was in my apartment right? Cause I live there and I needed to pee right? Because #InfluencersAreHumanToo AND GUESS WHAT I SEE. The biggest spider I have ever seen in my life. Genuinely, I think it teleported to my house from Australia. Haters are going to say I’m exaggerating how big this spider was but it was soooooo gigantic like it was giving Maman in front of the National Gallery of Canada #IYKYK. 

So, at this point, I have to leave the bathroom. Duh! I called my manager and she said — get this — that it would be illegal for me to burn down my apartment. Isn’t that wild? Seriously, I don’t know what I would do without her, like how was I supposed to know I wasn’t allowed to do that? Like do they teach that in schools? Like if it’s my apartment and I want to burn it . . . 

Ugh, okay so my bestie Katie is texting me asking me if I’m almost there because apparently her wedding that I’m officiating started an hour ago . . . So, I’m going to go get ready and if you want to see my GRWM for that just check out my TikTok. Part two of this storytime will be up so soon and you have to click that bell to get notified because y’all are about to be gagged. Okay, like, comment, subscribe. Bye!

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

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For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society