By: C Icart, Humour Editor
As you know, cities in beautiful British Columbia (not my words; I just read it off a license plate) are constantly at the top of all sorts of lists. For example, Vancouver and Victoria are in the top five most expensive cities in so-called Canada. Isn’t this such a magical and fantastical accolade? However, I am here to shed light on the province’s most recent win: five BC cities made it into the top ten rattiest cities in Canada.
Yeah, that’s right. We’ve got the astronomically high rent, we’ve got the pipelines, and baby we 👏 have 👏 got 👏 the 👏 rats! I do not think y’all understand the implications of this. We could petition for Ratatouille II to be set in Vancouver, Canada’s second rattiest city, only outdone by our enemy, Toronto. We’ve got MICHELIN stars, we’ve got rats, it just makes sense.
Alsooooo, remember that Riverdale episode where Jughead fell into a sinkhole and met the Rat King (no, not the gross kind), a man living in the sewer? Do you think Burnaby, Canada’s third rattiest city, has a secret Rat King (again, not the gross kind)? I hope not. #AbolishThe Monarchy
Anyway, do you ever think about how boring SkyTrain commutes are? We’re not NYC. We don’t have men dressed up as giant rats holding even huger slices of pizza. But we could! Our rat game will put Metro Vancouver on the map . . . or not. #LandBack
The main benefit to BC’s super ratty status is that it compensates for attention-seeking Alberta’s rat-free status. Like, what is that about? ‘Berta may think they’re too cool for rats but out here on the coast, we know what’s best. That’s precisely why Kelowna comes in at number four, and Richmond and Victoria are Canada’s sixth and seventh rattiest cities.
But among all this rodent excitement, I do want to clarify that, similar to how studies have shown that rats were not to blame for the Black Death, we cannot blame our rat comrades for this increase in COVID-19 cases this season. #MaskUp #GetBoosted
In conclusion, (yes, I’m in my essay era) girl, don’t even worry about your ex. There are plenty more rats in the streets.