By: Kelly Chia, Emissary of the Stars
Did anyone tell you that it’s shark week? Well, not in the way you think it might be. Prepare yourself for the onslaught of seven evil sharks during your midterm week. Defeating each subsequent shark in a battle of wit will earn you a degree arguably even more desirable than the one you are working toward. Keep at it, shark warrior.
Have you been playing Baldur’s Gate 3 lately? Of course, everyone and their mother in the Faerûn has. Well, here’s one lesson from the game you can take with you into your week this week: maybe it is worth spending hundreds of hours doing shenanigans with your friends, than progressing your main story. It’s the side quests that make us!
You have an evil twin: no, I’m positive that you do. Their name is Binky, and they have slowly been making sure that everything you eat causes you minor stomach pain. To deal with Binky, you must spin around three times and punch a bush — this is just because Binky hates bushes — and you can have a heart-to-heart conversation to ease your tummyaches. Aww.
The last month has been so heavy for you, Cancer. Literally! The Stars have tasked you with lifting Andromeda herself on your shoulders. We never knew you were a hero of Herculean strength, but now everyone who’s reading this will. Make sure you wear a backpack, not a tote this week: you need to balance out that weight properly.
Oh! We’re getting some very strong vibes here, telling you that you need to make the step and get your little treat from the artist you’ve been eyeing on Etsy. That craft has been in your cart for actual months. You have earned (1) guiltfree purchase, no need to think about those exorbitant export fees!
You know how they say to never meet your idols? Well, we think that phrase belongs to the trash for you this week. We’ve heard tell from the Stars that your idols are gladly taking resumes and cover letters. Our personal idol is McFogg the Dog, and we hear he’s accepting applicants. What is the application for? Oh, don’t you want to know!
Something unjust is in the air, you can sense it. Don a detective costume and investigate the campus for clues. You might just unravel a mystery in the RCB, and you’ll blend in just fine with the other Halloween-ers.
Don’t tell Virgo, but the application they’re sending to McFogg the Dog is actually directed to you. That’s right: you are the girlboss this week. Make sure to be a responsible girlboss, and walk with pride. Your horoscope, at least, knows your worth.
If you are a Sagittarian and haven’t written for The Peak yet, we have words: coooome write for us! Join the evergrowing Sagittarian squad at our illustrious publication. We sometimes offer cookies. We need to assert our domination over the other astrological signs here in sheer number so they understand our power, okay?
What is with you and agreeing to ten commitments before realizing you have to cancel all of them? The Stars think you are a serial triple booker, and you deserve to not speed through everything. This week, say no to at least three people. I promise you your Google calendar will thank you.
The joy growing inside of you is about to burst! We’re happy to announce that you have been chosen to break into a synchronized musical number with any people of your choosing. Will you have a fun duet, or break into a mob dance? Broadway is quaking.
You feel feral this week. Maybe it’s the Halloween spirit inside of you, but something tells us that you are halfway to being team Jacob if you catch our drift. That’s right: look into your dog’s eyes this week. You’ll understand her on a soul-to-soul basis like you never have before. Woo!