By: C Icart, Humour Editor
Somewhere in the world, a vocal misogynist takes a break from tweeting about spaceships to call his mommy.
No, Mom, I’m not going to do the breathing exercises you sent me the other day; I’m going to fight him! Yes, literally. I’m a man! What are you talking about, I’m too old for this? I tweeted at him to challenge him to a cage fight. What do you mean, have I been training? Didn’t you just say you liked my tweets? I tweeted photos of me training with Lex Fridman. He’s a black belt.
Mom, I don’t need you to remind me Mark has been training for longer and is likely in much better shape than I am. What I actually need is for you and Dad to stop telling the press you don’t think I can win this fight. It’s fucking embarrassing, Mom!
And anyways, he owes me! Before I started making the news for all the fantastic improvements I’ve been making at Twitter, he was the one in the hot seat. Yeah, remember “The Facebook Papers?”
And what does he do? Launch Threads? That’s not even a creative name! Clearly, he stole that from me. You know what? He probably hired some of the over 6,000 people I fired, and they helped him copy me. And that’s what I told my lawyer, so we can sue.
Sure, they have no ads and stuff, but on Twitter, people get to see my dank memes, and people love those, right? I mean, you are liking my memes, right, Mom?
No, Mom, I’m not going to wash my mouth with soap. I called him a cuck, and I would do it again! What else am I supposed to do when Wendy’s is on Threads being buddy-buddy with him and not me? Ugh! You don’t get it. It doesn’t make any sense. We both hoard wealth, don’t pay enough taxes, and are making record profits while watching all the poor people complain about inflation. Sure, I’ve tweeted out misinformation and right-wing talking points, but his algorithm helped far-right sources get more engagement! So, why are people rooting for him and not me? Why do people like him more than me? There’s already 100 million people on Threads . . . Is it because I’m not cool anymore?
Whatever, I have to go . . . people are starting to remember that the debris from my rocket is destroying a wildlife refuge in south Texas. I have to tweet a photo of a car or something to distract them.
