By: Alex Ileto, SFU Student
1. Reserve their favourite spot on the bus by sitting there literally all day.
If you’re also a slave to TransLink like me, there is a spot on every type of bus and SkyTrain that you have designated as the prime spot. It’s that seat you make a beeline to as soon as the doors open on the SkyTrain — you know the one. You’ll be the person who has the coolest views and the easiest time getting off the bus. What better way to be their object of envy?
2. Show them that washroom on campus you’ve been gatekeeping since 1st year.
As someone who tends to spend long hours on campus, sometimes you just need to take a dump. It’s a totally normal feeling to have, but what I don’t think is totally normal is having a go-to place to discharge. To express vulnerability, tell them your secret spot and revel in the praise they give you after your thoughtful recommendation.
3. Tell them you’re taking them to the aquarium and bring them to the koi pond.
A fairly cheap alternative to the Vancouver Aquarium in Stanley Park, head over instead to the koi pond for a romantic outing. It’s a win-win situation. You can take out that special someone to enjoy the serene swimming of the remaining koi (the ones that haven’t been snatched by the birds, of course) and also make the most of your tuition.
4. Brave the asbestos on the 5th floor of the library to get a book they’ve been wanting.
This is solely for anyone who would like to rizz me up. I’ve been wanting to read “Happy Hour” by Marlowe Granados for a while now, but lo and behold — out of all places, it’s chilling on the asbestos floor of the library which is completely off-limits. In short, I can’t get my hands on that book. So if anyone is willing to confront asbestos and snatch that book, please let me know.
5. Bring them to the on-campus gym and hit literally all of your personal records (PRs).
This is for all the gym bros and girlies out there. Prove to them that you’re an absolute weapon and annihilate all of your past PRs in one go. It might be a good idea to also hire people to stare at you in awe during your lifts.
6. Hack into their goSFU and give them an earlier enrollment day.
Speaking from personal experience, enrollment day always sucks. I can never get into the classes I actually want, goSFU always decides to crash on me, and if I can get on a waitlist, I’m 24th in line. Do your crush a favour and use your hacking skills (or a comp sci kid) to give them an earlier enrollment day.
7. Carry them up and down the 4th and 5th floors of Surrey campus.
This goes out to all my Surrey campus regulars. For whatever reason, the escalators at Surrey campus end on the 3rd floor and students are left to hike up the stairs to access the 4th and 5th floors. Fear not, for the Rizzler is here to be your personal escalator to bring you to the top of Surrey campus. Maybe hitting all those PRs came in handy . . .
8. Grab them an iced capp from Tim Hortons just before the morning rush.
Who doesn’t like a refreshing drinkity in the morning? The answer is . . . no one! So save your crush the hassle by grabbing an iced capp before the rush.
9. Make a study playlist for them to block out the noise of their inner demons.
As finals season quickly approaches, help them brace themselves from the chaos and swirling of emotions by making a playlist to shut out their inner demons. May I suggest a song for mothers who slay (“Do Not Touch” by MISAMO), a song that makes you do the stank face (“Come On Let’s Go” by Tyler, the Creator), or a soft melody that can be played in a meadow filled with sheeps (“Old With You” by Grent Perez).
10. Pretend you’re a UBC student.
If all else fails, don a UBC hoodie and take a stroll across campus. As a UBC student, it is implied that you are not only smarter, but harder, better, faster, and stronger than any SFU student could ever be. Not to mention, you have infinite W rizz. So take the temporary L and fake it ‘til you make it.
