By: Maya Beninteso, Peak Associate
1. Uncomfortable and deeply personal questions from extended family members casserole
I can imagine that if you’re a private person, you would invite extended family members and loved ones to dissect every aspect of your life. Coming in strong at number one is: “Do you have a partner yet?” Of course, because you haven’t freely shared that information, it practically means you’re begging someone to ask you about your love life. Other honourable mentions include: “And what exactly are you planning to do with that degree,” “What were your grades this semester,” and “Why are you crying?”
2. Disappointment pudding
Whether it be disappointment in others, yourself, or in your aunt’s lack of ability to cook without setting the kitchen on fire (sorry, Angie), disappointment embodies the true spirit of the holiday season. Although you could set your expectations low like me, an intellectual, so as to not experience disappointment, the holidays are truly not the same without this side dish.
3. The five-spice will to live
The most rare holiday side dish indeed. For those of you who managed to cook up this delicious dish, PLEASE! TELL ME HOW!* Please and thank you (don’t tell me to look at my notes from my psychology courses, because I don’t take any). *Note: this does not apply to my therapist. Keep your thoughts to yourself, Royce.
4. Coal
Yum, this holiday side dish will surely be accompanied with an overwhelming sense of nostalgia . . . right? Or was that just me? We all got coal as children, no? Oh cool, it was just me! Thanks mom. I’ll just cross this one out, then.
5. Delayed brown paper packages tied up with string
There’s nothing quite like the excitement that comes with not knowing whether your holiday presents will arrive in time for present exchanges. On that note, whoever gave me my first (fine, second) copy of Fifty Shades of Grey that they had lying around in their house, I know my real gift was delayed coming in the mail. You wanna know how I know it was your personal copy you decided to re-gift to me? It must be the fact that certain definitely appropriate phrases are underlined in pen (without a ruler, nonetheless, you animal.)
6. Just . . . just tears of children
Why, one of my favourite side dishes is the tears of children — especially after having defeated their sorry asses at Sorry. Taking it easy on the children only sets them up for failure. So, assert your dominance, but make sure to temper your bitterness. You don’t need to be Uncle Krampus. (Hmm, maybe I should be nicer to my cousins, if you children are reading this, which only one out of you three can, I sincerely apologize . . . Not. You should try to, I don’t know, actually win for once). One day I will be humbled, but not today, wee!!!
7. Holiday chee— Beer. Alcohol. Just alcohol.
‘Tis the season to enjoy one of the best holiday dishes, fa-la-la-la-liquor, to your heart’s content. Indulge in some ponche crema (hold the eggnog, of course) and validate your unreasonable overspending on holiday cocktails from your local restaurant or bar.
8. Cancelled flights to flavourtown
Nothing puts me in the holiday spirit quite like flight cancellations and heavy delays. But, I suppose this tracks — not only is your love life failing to take flight this holiday season, so is your actual flight. If only this happened like it did in the movie Home Alone, but then Kevin wouldn’t have learned that favourtism is real, kids.
9. Snow, a fuckton of snow
Oh my, you snow this one’s my personal favorite — especially when I’m on my way to work and cars without snow tires plague the roads. Oh what fun it is to ride on the roads you might as well call a slip and slide, am I right? This side dish is such a fan favorite, you can almost say it’s to die for.
10. Hallmark movie hash
Ah, yes. A classic side dish is indeed Hallmark movies. Don’t you just love the lack of diversity and watching the same movie but in different fonts? Not to mention the completely natural dialogue and Oscar-worthy acting. Don’t mind me, I’m just about to cozy up with some hot chocolate and watch a Hallmark movie where the lead who is fed up with her mundane desk job decides to bring her rich — but not totally present — boyfriend/fiance back to her small hometown where the holidays are a big deal. Then, the hometown run-in with the ex-boyfriend/the one who got away/childhood best friend who got hot. He successfully sweeps her off her feet and they both decide to live happily ever after in her small hometown because she’s #DownToEarth.
