By: Maya Beninteso, Peak Associate
BREAKING NEWS — The Student Learning Commons (SLC) at SFU is saying soar-y after their catastrophic “studying with pigeons” event held last Thursday afternoon. This event’s mandate was to help prepare students for exams in advance, but it only proved that the early bird does not, in fact, get the worm. The SLC’s attempt to be original by ditching the traditional puppy therapy completely and rapidly flew over their head.
Several reports detailed pigeons violently attacking students during the event, leaving no student unscathed. Over 50 students were injured badly enough to warrant hospital stays, but not enough to warrant an excused absence from class or an exam. The Peak obtained an excerpt of an email sent by a professor to one of the injured students. The professor, whose identity is being kept secret until feather investigation is done, wrote to the student: “Having a scratched cornea and complete loss of eyesight is no excuse for missing my class. Consider your medical note null and void. I will see you in class tomorrow. Sent from my iPhone.” In solidarity, the student’s classmates released 130 pigeons in the following lecture, where the professor sustained a minor scratch on their arm. The professor stated they would be cancelling their following lecture in order to deal with this “medical emergency.”
Beyond the attack of the pigeons, several event attendees reported that the event turned fowl at the end. The floor was not only covered in the tears of struggling students, but further covered in pigeon feces. As if exam season wasn’t shitty enough already. In an interview with The Peak, one feather-covered student could only manage to utter, “W-white . . . white . . . so much white.” The only thing that the SLC achieved in this event wasn’t helping students study, but adding to the traumatic experiences of SFU students.
The Peak reached out to the library dean, who is suspiciously named Gwen Bird, and received an interesting statement. In a statement to The Peak, Bird said, “I sincerely apologize for the events that transpired at the SLC’s studying with pigeons initiative. In attempting to kill two birds with one stone by cultivating an environment conducive to studying, we cultivated one of horror. As the library dean, my only wish is to witness the students soar. As the bir— I mean, kids say, that wasn’t coo coo— I mean, cool. I guess you can’t beak— I mean, beat puppy therapy. To anyone who attended the event, we will do our best to deal with this as per the appropriate pecking order.”
Social media is outraged by the, clearly bird-biased, response to the tragic events. The hashtags #GwenFlewOverTheCuckoosNest and #PigeonGate have since been attached to over 13,000 posts. While SFU’s beloved Joy Johnson has yet to speak on the recent events, SFU’s student body has spoken — you’re either on the side of pigeons, or on the side of justice.