By: Max Lorette, Peak Associate and the vessel of an unknowable entity
Aries:
This week, I think you should branch out a little. Go for a walk in nature, collect some sticks off the ground, and join your brethren amongst the forest. I’m not quite sure what this will accomplish, but it feels like a nice September activity regardless.
Taurus:
The Stars have given me a warning for you this week, Taurus. They have informed me constant remarks of “Can you believe it’s September already?” and, “2022 is almost over! It feels like it just started!” will not halt the constant crawl of time passing. They do little but upset the gods of time. Let the passing of days and weeks become a steady stream, lest you invoke the wrath of Kronos.
Gemini:
The Stars have informed me that this week is a perfect time to treat yourself, Gemini! If you’ve been looking for an excuse to finally replace that beat up pair of sneakers you’ve been wearing for several years, this is it. Just don’t blame the Stars for your declining finances.
Cancer:
Listen, I’m just going to say this once. Now that Halloween is approaching, the Stars recommended you avoid making Spooky Season your entire personality for an entire month. The Stars think that you’re a lot better than reusable coffee cups from Wal-mart and Michael’s with silly spooky slogans.
Leo:
Unless you’re up on residence, you probably have a pretty long transit, Leo. The Stars recognize this as a universal experience for all SFU students, but they have specifically told you to put that precious time to use. Take up listening to audiobooks while you drive or ride the skytrain. Did you know most libraries offer them for free? The Stars suggest that you start off with The Necronomicon!
Virgo:
The Stars have a very special task for you this week, Virgo. Listen to me very carefully. In the dead of night, bring a singular black coffee (preferably from Renaissance) to the Avocado in the AQ. Circle the avocado clockwise thrice, then leave the coffee in front of the mirror. Chant, “You are SFU!” thrice before circling the avocado once more, counterclockwise. The Stars won’t tell me exactly what the reward for this will be, only that it shall be grand.
Libra:
The Stars have instructed me to inform you that no amount of fancy stationery shall give you the aura of productivity. Unfortunately, there really isn’t a cheat sheet for that kind of thing. The best thing that you can do is actually study for that upcoming quiz you probably forgot about.
Scorpio:
This week, the Stars are withholding your horoscope unless you are willing to undergo a quest for knowledge. The Stars have long been waiting for a brave student to seek out the forbidden knowledge that has long since evaded them: What actually goes on in the Halpern Centre? Has anyone actually ever stopped to ask that? Wake up sheeple!
Sagittarius:
Times are tough, Sagittarius. The Stars totally recognize that. In this economy, the Stars don’t think that you can really afford to have a freeloader anymore. If you’re struggling on finances, it might be time for you to tell your cat to get a job. Maybe they can pick up a shift at the Catfé? If you don’t have a cat, then tough luck I guess.
Capricorn:
It may be a bit soon, but the Stars have informed me to tell you straight up to stop avoiding taking classes that fulfill your breadth credits. No, seriously. The longer you put those off the worse it’ll be.
Aquarius:
The Stars advise you to take a few days off of social media. It’s seriously becoming a cesspool of terrible takes, and the Stars are concerned that you’re turning into someone who is chronically online. Touch some grass, Aquarius.
Pisces:
The Stars wish to remind you that you can actually get paid for writing for The Peak. Seriously! It’s a good opportunity, it’s easy to sign up for pitch emails, and take up prompts when it strikes your fancy. Who knows! Maybe you can even take up writing the Horoscopes with me! It pays well to become a mouthpiece for dark and unknowable entities dubbed as “the Stars.”
