By: Luke Faulks, Opinions Editor

The world is going to end in eight years thanks to climate change. Fortunately, the same corporations responsible for the planet’s rapid decline have elected to provide you with a means to survive the heat-induced collapse of human civilization: renewable energy bottled water. But your choice says more about you than your thirst and desires to mock people who’re too weak to get the cap off. Find out what your choice of water bottle means about your midterm chances this semester!

You’re exhausted after stamping out a fire at your second cousin’s gender reveal party. What refreshing water do you reach for?

1. Voss
2. Dasani
3. Nestle Pure Life
4. A cup of tap water, like a nerd

You’ve just woken up in the desert after a major bender. Despite knowing in the back of your head that your live-in butler Jean-Claude isn’t there to put some water on your bedside table like he always does, what do you instinctively reach for?

1. Voss
2. Dasani
3. Nestle Pure Life
4. An imaginary desert oasis, like a sucker

You’ve just graduated. Congratulations! Class of ’22. Just fantastic. Unfortunately, you’re now too poor to afford actual alcohol, and forced to resort to water. What do you go for to celebrate your win?

1. Voss
2. Dasani
3. Nestle Pure Life
4. Suck the alcohol fumes out of your burnout roommate’s N95 mask

You’ve just heard that Gwyneth Paltrow’s tasteless and colourless liquid cure-all is actually just water. What kind of water was she actually using?

1. Voss
2. Dasani
3. Nestle Pure Life
4. The tears of small children (I have money on this)

Which bottled water brand sounds most like a Spider-Man villain that’s going to get a sympathetic origin story in a new movie?

1. Voss
2. Dasani
3. Nestle Pure Life
4. El Muerto

If you chose mostly As, you’re going to switch your majors, so DW about the midterm

Why does anyone buy a bit of Voss? Not to drink, certainly. Voss is good for one thing and one thing only: showing off the cool bottle it came in when you were in high school. Ooooh, you have a water bottle that’s a cylinder with a thick lid. Get bent. In each of the above scenarios (mostly) about DRINKING WATER, you’ve selected a bottled water that’s 100% just about showing off. Time to re-examine your academic priorities and find something that’s more true to you.

If you chose mostly Bs, you’re your classmates’ go-to for cheating off mid-term exams

That’s right. Dasani? Nope. It’s actually owned by Coca-Cola. By shelling out for a Dasani every time you ache for refreshment, you’ve taken a stance in the long-running and totally deadlocked Pepsi versus Cola debate. You’re decisive. You’re the decision-maker. You’re the real thingtm. And your classmates know it. They’ll look at your scantron sheet when they’re vexed by a multiple choice question. Embrace your role.

If you chose mostly Cs, you’re crushing that Econ midterm . . .

. . . Because you’re a fucking monster. It was in the name. “Nestle.” Do your research. I certainly have. Nestle is bad. Like, child slavery bad. Water-thief bad. But keep on keepin’ on quantifying human emotions using numbers, Mister (I assume) Econ major.

If you chose mostly Ds, I really don’t know what to do with you. They weren’t consistent at all. 

But for god’s sake, don’t make a movie about El Muerto. He’s been in like two issues. Do Big Wheel! He’s a dude who turns to a life of crime and adopts the gimmick of . . . wait for it . . . driving around in a gigantic wheel. Can you say “Oscar?” Cast Joaquin Phoenix and you’ve got yourself a contender for Best Picture. And a cool hamster.