By: Isabella Urbani, Staff Writer and PhD in predicting your entire life

Aries

Sweet Aries, you’re toootally not a summer semester person. I know you want to get a move on your degree and more importantly, stop yourself from streaming every Netflix movie possible, but it isn’t working. You already missed your first week of classes and tried to order a Pumpkin Spice Latte at the campus Starbucks. Who does that in summer? Go home and try again in the fall.

Taurus

My Taurus child, your birthday has come and gone and so has the care for your degree. Are you even sure you’re in the right class right now? It might help if you start taking notes instead of filling your online shopping cart with clothes that are way beyond your budget for a non-existent vacation. But, happy belated birthday, I guess??? gingerly showers you in confetti

Gemini

I like your style, Gemini. You take on a realistic course load that allows you time for yourself this summer.You wake up early enough to have breakfast and dress to impress on campus. How the hell are you put together and cheery at a school that looks like a prison? And trust me, I’m not the only person taking notice (winky face emoji). In fact, you’re the cat’s meow on campus.

Cancer

What made you think you could read the student newspaper while you’re on vacation? You’re NOT one of us. You’re getting lost venturing the city, and I’m just lost, period. Classes? Don’t know, haven’t found them yet. Let me take a rain check on that. Oh, and did I mention, it’s still raining!? IN MAY. AT LEAST GIVE ME SOME SUNSHINE! shakes fist angrily

Leo

I put in a good word with the people upstairs to make sure the summer bucket list you created with your middle school friends finally comes true. You may be an attention seeker, but the only person getting your attention lately is your bed. And not for those kinds of reasons, you nasty.

Virgo

Learn how to say no more, Virgo. Look at the mess you’re in! You’re accompanying your friend to all their summer classes when you aren’t even enrolled in any. Don’t tell me — OH MY GOSH, YOU DON’T EVEN GO HERE TOO! Are you seriously taking notes? Put that pen down. Don’t make me rat you out to the professor! Get a grip, go for a walk, and make it far away from all school campuses.

Libra

Libra, Libra, Libra . . . I don’t even know how you’ve found the time to read your horoscope in between the three jobs you’re working this summer. Bless your little heart. They’re all in retail. It’s like you’ve never worked those types of jobs before. Here’s a tip: make them seasonal. I heard Subway is hiring in the fall.

Scorpio

Scorps, take a breather! It’s been one class and you already have the syllabus memorized front and back — all 13 pages. You know the course material better than the professors themselves. That assignment due at the end of the semester isn’t going anywhere. Kick your feet up, but make sure to move the textbooks half-haphazardly scattered around your room — that’s pretty reckless of you tbh. Keep it up.

Sagittarius

So you decided to get a job over the summer and landed on working for the student newspaper? One, ew. Two, you haven’t quit yet? Double ew. What did you say you do again? Write horror stories? No, that’s not it. Something with an “h.” Come on, people only read The Peak for the crosswords, sudoku, and horo—OHHHHH, that’s what you do!

Capricorn

Oh, no Capricorn. Hate to be the one to break it to you, but that one professor you wrote a really bad — but fair — review for has cursed you! Your punishment? You get to take another one of their classes this summer! Seriously, did you even look ahead of time to see who the instructor was? The stars are not on your side. Get out while you can.

Aquarius

Aquarius, you’re going to put the WHORE in HOROSCOPES this summer while respectfully masking up. Who says you can’t do it all with just your eyes? It’s about time you get back on the prowl. Leave your number all over campus — and yes, even in the avocado. Sorry, it’s just that kind of year.

Pisces

Ugh, it’s you again. For the last time, I do horoscopes! I can’t and will not give you the answer key to that upcoming test. It’s easy really: have a night in and stream all your unwatched lectures like they’re the newest season of your favourite tv show. My oh my, does McSteamy from Grey’s Anatomy ever look different!