By: Kelly Chia, Staff Writer

Hello my little seeds,

Have you longed for the perfect type of clothing for your flesh vessel? Be not afraid. I am Sylvia XVII. I have descended directly from my plane to your simple world to deliver one message: you could be better. And I’m going to tell you how. 

My little cosmological quiz will reveal everything. Are you ready for your absolute truth, my children?

1. What lyrics resonate with you most?

• “My heart will go on” — “My Heart will Go On,” by Celine Dion. Classic human, so sentimental.
• “I need my golden crown of sorrow, my bloody sword to swing / My empty halls to echo with grand self-mythology” — “King,” by Florence + the Machine. Oh, you and your hero moments.
• “I place my legs in a cage of spandex” — “Tight Pants,” by Leslie Hall. You are so transcendent, darling. Unique!

2. When you think of style, what comes to mind?

• “An old-fashioned roller rink, holographics, and a spicy little tweed sweater.” You smell stuffy, but interesting!
• “Anime posters, mom jeans, and at least two studded belts.” Wow you love yourself a 90’s trend don’t you? 
• “Style as a whole is too broad to be limited to one answer in a three-answer multiple choice.” A bit insulting, but I am a benevolent being. 

3. What, in your opinion, is the perfect afternoon snack?

• “Tangerines cut neatly with no trace of their skin, paired with a light cheese and some pomegranate seeds.” You have class.
• “An unacceptable amount of cheese puffs shared intermittently with the ephemeral raccoon sitting on your apartment steps.” You, too, have class.
• “ . . .” Silence? Really? If I had nerves you’d be getting on them . . .

4. Let’s get personal, my little featherless doves. Do you believe in life after love?

• “I can feel something inside me say, I really don’t think you’re strong enough, no~!” Beautiful. 
• “Honestly, I don’t know. Love can be difficult, and no one tells you that being vulnerable is so odd.” Oddly introspective. 
• “Blergh. Stranger danger.” How dare you, I have known you since the dawn of creation. I will know you far afte — don’t you dare start reading the next question!

5. Sigh. Be honest, children, do you like Sylvia XVII’s quiz? Is it too proto-millenial?

• “No, it’s genius!” Oh, dearie, I know.
• “No, I feel like we’ve really gotten to know each other.” For all eternity! 
• [redacted.] Being difficult will not stop me from reading your essence in a five question quiz, villain.

If you answered mostly A’s, I’ve assigned you the perfect style for your soul: Discotheque Academic

Ah, you old-fashioned soul. You dream of 80’s songs and spandex in a time that’s actually brought back every decade from my observations. This is the perfect style for you, my friend. You just like to be a little old guy with your boxy black glasses, leg warmers, and your giant corduroy blazer, don’t you? Of course you do, newspaper reader. 

If you answered mostly B’s, I know this style will resonate with you to the core of your being: Anime Mom

There is no easy way to say this. You embody an animated character’s mother with your very essence. It’s time you wear a side braid, some loose mom jeans, and a graphic tee that says, “Live, Laugh, Love” with the face of Carla Yeager. Also, start practising your face of shock as you receive a letter about your supposed anime child as they achieve hero status, or face great tragedy. You never know. That’s the exciting thing about being the Anime Mom aesthetic! 

If you answered mostly C’s, you’re no fun and I don’t like you. But I am merciful, so this is what style you suit best: Egg Abomination

So you’re one of those people that just like to pick the spicy answer just to see what happens, huh? Well, let me tell you, egg abomination. Sylvia XVII, and those before them, have never seen such complete disrespect. So your style is both nothing and everything: you are the yolk of the universe, and incredibly dull. As an ovum you can be made in so many different ways if you accept my guidance. But you choose to stay a contrarian egg nonetheless. 

Wait, what do you mean you’re here to stop my quiz based fashion intervention? AGH, NO! One can’t defeat me and the toxic cyclical relationship of fast fashion and its accompanying trends! 

You will not slow me forever! I will be back, and you will be fashionable, you egg!