By: Sara Brinkac, Peak Associate and Knower of All
Dear Peakie, I’ve been trying to find the perfect barbecue to buy for my dad. My budget is about $5. Please help. Sincerely, Broke Bloke
Hi Broke Bloke, buying presents for your dad is tough. But don’t worry; with my world-class advice, you’ll finally get that “I love you” you’ve so desperately been looking for. Now, I know you think you have to buy your dad a “proper grill” for Father’s Day, but that’s just a lie spread by Big BBQ. Those suits at George Foreman will have you believe that grilling has to be done in “specified” and “controlled” locations, but that is the furthest from the truth.
During my time as head chef at the world’s most premier five-star Michelin restaurant, I strictly used the “Open Flame” method and grilled my way amongst the greats. Originating in 420 AD, the “Open Flame” method was first discovered by vikings during a routine town pillaging. The warriors felt a tad peckish. They quickly realized, not only could they roast a beautiful steak anywhere they pleased with the houses all aflame, but the controlled BBQs Sven was selling in their village were a total scam. So go ahead and give your dad that $5 bill as kindling, Broke Bloke. This Father’s Day, you will be giving your dad the gift of the most effective and portable barbecue on the market. And don’t worry if you run out of kindling. I find that my court transcripts always work great in a pinch. They really add a great “public threat” flavour to the steaks.
Dear Peakie, I’ve just realized I don’t have an adequate villain origin story for when I eventually snap and take down SFU. What should I do? Signed, Foolella de Vil
Hi Foolella, it’s tough to see such a growing disparity of villain backstories in our current economy. I completely sympathize. Fortunately for you, I spent about five years of my youth as a certified Evil Mastermind. While I was chairman of the board of “Villains for World Domination,” my dear friend Jeff gave me some great advice that I’d like to share with you: every villain backstory must have a sympathetic element. Whether it be the cruelty of society or the cruelty of your ex-wife divorcing you and taking your hard-stolen money, a villain has to go through a soul-removing event. Perhaps you once failed a final exam because a construction site blocked your path and made you late. From that day on you vowed to erect meaningless construction sites all over SFU to make everyone feel the same frustration you felt that dreaded day. Now you scrawl your name across campus haunting innocent bystanders, laughing in the face of completion dates, and making sure every SFU commuter knows the evil villain “Ledcor.”
Dear Peakie, I’ve gotten so used to texting people during the pandemic that I keep saying things like “LOL” and “poggers” when I talk to people in real life. Help! Signed, Bestie
Hey Bestie, I’m sorry to say you are suffering from what we in the medical field call “Reverse Dictation.” While it is common to use talk-to-text to tell your phone what to say, prolonged exposure to LED keyboards can flip this cognitive function. When this happens, your phone begins to tell you what to say. Thankfully, your case is still in early stages — I once treated a man in stage-four Reverse Dictation who could only speak in 1s and 0s. Whenever he went to sleep, he would hum the Windows shutdown jingle. It was tragic.
Unfortunately, there is no known cure for Reverse Dictation, but we have found many ways to help people live healthy and happy lives with this affliction. Currently, the most effective treatment is what we call “irony.” Next time you feel the urge to blurt out “poggers,” play it off with a sarcastic expression and you will quickly turn the tables on any social missteps. For this to work, however, you really have to become a fully ironic person. That means dabbing, whipping, saying “ya-yeet” while throwing things, and playing Pokémon GO like 2016 never ended. Throw it all to the wind and no one will be able to tell what is social ineptitude and what is scathing commentaries on society. All the best Bestie and remember: if it’s not cool, it’s ironic.
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