SFUnexplained: The hair-raising truth about SFU’s construction

Beneath Robert C. Brown Hall lies a buried treasure (and rats, probably)

PHOTO: Chris Ho / The Peak

By: Clarence Ndabahwerize, SFU Student

Listen up, sheeple! SFU builds stuff for themselves, not for our wellbeing or our general interest. A lot of you may say you aren’t surprised, but what comes next will blow your minds! 

Recently uncovered documents mysteriously emailed to The Peak have revealed that SFU administrators were, at the time of the university’s founding, made aware of a hidden stash of exquisite furs buried by Simon Fraser himself somewhere on Burnaby Mountain. Apparently, the university just so happened to be built on top of this stash and was aptly named after the man who buried the stash beneath it. The furs are rumoured to be worth several million dollars, and SFU will apparently use the money acquired to partake in even more construction. Don’t believe this? Here’s your evidence!

A whole chunk of the campus is below ground?!

This was the strategy they used to start digging right before students’ eyes. Robert C. Brown Hall is actually a confusing labyrinth simply because whoever constructed the building was just digging an inglorious hole to unearth the stash of furs. When they didn’t find it, they just built a whole building at the digsite!  

How far do you think they’ll take this? They won’t even stop when someone accidentally falls in one of these holes because they’ll be labelled as off-limits construction zones with signs telling people to “keep out!”. I should know — I’ve been trapped in the pit across from the residence buildings for the past three years!

And it doesn’t end there . . .

Why do you think the construction workers keep digging huge holes before they build something? Think it’s the “contractors” laying a “foundation”? It most certainly isn’t! Those aren’t even real words!

Every hole dug at the beginning of a new project is just another opportunity for our administrative overlords to find the elusive stash. The genius in this is that they can visit the construction site in broad daylight to check whether the “X” on that particular occasion marks the spot! Of course, they’ll even get high-viz vests and safety helmets while doing so . . . 

Finally, the timing . . . 

This has been going on for so long that eventually, someone else had to begin shouldering the costs for the greater good (i.e., finding the stash of exquisite furs). Why do you think tuition has been going up over the years? More buildings equal more holes to be dug which equals a need for more money! And the stash of fur makes the benefit to the institution outweigh the cost to the students! My fellow students, we’ve all been tricked! We can’t go on like this! I urge you to take this matter— and a shovel — into your own hands. These furs are the key to a cheaper tuition, less construction, and a Cruella De Vil-esque fashion sense.