Top Ten things me and the boys are gonna do after we’re vaccinated

Very calm, very cool. Nothing wrong here. Illustration: Siloam Yeung / The Peak

By: Juztin Bello, SFU Alumnus

  1. Loiter at the mall

If there’s one thing me and the boys missed doing, it’s wandering around the mall. We’d go into stores like Lids and Sport Chek and refuse to buy anything or put anything back despite trying an absurd amount of shit on. We’ll probably hit with some classic goofs like putting the girly hat on Trave and watch him freak out, or go through the bra section of Walmart so that Becker can finally see what a bra looks like (fucking virgin).

2. Do keg stands from the same pump

If there’s one thing COVID took from us, it was the freedom to shove an object in our mouths that our bro had in his. But, watch out, ‘cause we’re getting that back. That’s right, we’re gonna go from vaccine stands to keg stands. You might be thinking: “are you guys a Frat?” Yeah, you’d think that if you’re an IDIOT. We don’t associate with those dinks (and not just because we all tried to rush and got denied instantly). Those Frat fuckers are Kappa Omega-LOSERS, and they can Alpha Ligma nuts.

3. Nut-tap on the reg

I’m looking forward to physical contact again. No, I’m not talking about fooling around with the ladies. And no, it’s not because Jhenipher ghosted me. I’m talking nut taps on the buds, baby — that satisfying sneak attack on the homies’ coin purse. And if you think I’m washing my hands after delivering an expert tap, you’re out of your mind. That sweat, the remnants of a successful tap, will be worn on the back of my hand like a badge of honour.

4. Absolutely dominate the bars

You wanna know how me and the boys are celebrating our shots? Doing some shots. We’re pretty notorious at our local bar; people know us as “those guys” or “get out and don’t ever come back” or “sir, I’ve tried every card at this table and somehow every single one was declined.” When we get back in there, oh baby, watch out. We’re talking grinding on hot moms, absolutely demolishing billiards, and hitting on chicks we knew from high school because everyone from high school has nothing better to do in their adulthood than go to the same shitty bar every weekend.

5. Grow out those crotch warmers

Masks were annoying as fuck, I’ll say it. Worst part about them was that they hid the beauty of a man’s beard, suffocating those epic hairs and forcing us to shave away our babies. But not anymore. I’m growing my beard out to the floor. First thing I’m doing with my beard is (tr)eating my girl right. I want her to feel like [redacted by The Peak] and I’m [redacted by The Peak] while her mom [redacted by The Peak] for breakfast.

6. Play touch at the park

Kyle, who also goes by Slyle, bets on his life that he’s an untouchable QB, but if there’s anyone who’s good at flinging themselves at a burly guy and getting a masterful sack, it’s me. Will any of us remember to keep score? Never. Will we laugh when Yackary cries after Langston accidentally breaks his arm? Fuck yeah we will. Hopefully next time we play we won’t accidentally make both teams skins again. That was kinda weird.

7. A circle jerk (but like, as a joke to see who’s the most gay)

Me and the boys are close. Those are my bros for life, you know? So sometimes you gotta do shit that’ll prove your closeness, while also seeing which bro is the gayest. This is classic tough-guy behaviour, trust me. Honestly, I bet Topher is gonna be the one to cave first. Not that I’d wanna see that . . . I just . . . think it’d be him . . . that’s fucking gay bro . . .

8. Turn a bus into a party bus

Buses are an underrated good time, if you ask me and the fellas. Finally being able to crowd a small space again is something we’re really looking forward to. You get up in that back section, crack some bevvies while suits and skirts shoot you looks (jealousy, probably), and just ride. The best part about it too is that none of the boys have to be DD (designated dbuzzkill) while we check out some DD’s struttin’ down the street. Nice.

9. Push and shove each other for no reason

Some friends show affection to one another by hugging, or holding hands, or, you know, being there for you when your parents announce their divorce which absolutely shakes your family to the core and sends you on a downward spiral of questioning everything you know. Not me and the boys. We aren’t into any of that weak shit. First thing I’m doing when I see those fuckers after the vax drops is giving them a classic shove. Maybe after we’ll spontaneously race, or point at one another and say “this guy!” and then laugh in a circle while we hold beers and bump fists. That’s friendship.

10. Your mom

Ha, get absolutely fucked, loser.