Top Ten failed 2020 New Year’s resolutions

Illustration: Siloam Yeung / The Peak

By: Juztin Bello, Copy Editor

  1. Travel more to ~find yourself~

People with a “this is going to be my year” mentality seek travel to ~discover themselves~, acquire ~hip lingo that definitely isn’t appropriation and misuse of a language~, and to ~flex on social media~. Spoiler alert, this was nobody’s year. I’m sure a lot of people were expecting 2020 to be their Eat, Pray, Love year — but instead, everyone found themselves having a Cry, Beg, Sit on your hand ‘til it’s numb and then masturbate with it so it feels like someone else’s hand” year. The closest any people came to travelling this year was the astral projecting and dissociation triggered by the mounds of stress 2020 brought. But hey, at least that kind of travel doesn’t cost actual dollarsjust your soul. 

2. Fall in love (but with like . . . another person) 

Rihanna may have said “We found love in a hopeless place,” but she never considered how hard it’d be to find love when you’re in a hopeless place and also hopeless. Because of 2020’s onslaught of inconsistent lockdowns, the only touch some of you have felt is the touch of reality when your favourite bar closed down. Consider yourselves lucky, though. For a whole year y’all had a valid excuse for why you’re single instead of making up lies to disguise your tired, one-note personalities. And honestly, just for one second think about the Grindr gays. You thought it was hard out there for us to have any sort of connection before? We can’t even ask “host?” anymore without being fearful of contracting another disease. Now we have to be physically distant on top of already being emotionally distant. 

3. Be less of a shitty person

Admittedly this one is kind of hard if you’re just a shitty person naturally. I won’t fault you for that. And while this entry is sort of an all-encompassing reality because, let’s face it, everyone can be kind of shitty here and there, the fact that COVID is still a thing proves just how shitty we all actually are. Shitty at following instructions, shitty at helping others, and, frankly, shitty at helping ourselves. Also, I can tell you for damn sure at least 47.2% of America failed this one — their efforts to not be shitty were trumped by their inability/unwillingness to change. Better luck next year (if we make it til then), ya shitheads! 

4. Cry less

Aight, I’ll let all of you off easy this time. Just take a second to know for a fact that this is about you. Go back to blasting your “sad bitch hour” playlist in peace and move on to the next one. You’re welcome. 

5. Volunteer

In a year where we can barely help ourselves, the sentiment of helping others has gone as ignored as warnings to wear a mask indoors. Based on the current state of the world, the only volunteering any of us are going to be doing soon is for the first annual Hunger Games, where Bezos and the other 1% are going to bet on us for sport. Just pray that you’re bland enough to get caught up in a non-consequential love triangle and you’ll somehow survive. Well, you’ll survive, but your reputation that appeals to the bookworms thinking “I’m not like most girls” sitting cross-legged in their quilts won’t.

6. Avoid wasting money on vices (alcohol, weed, hentai, etc.)

You know, I’ll give 2020 credit for helping me avoid spending $100 at the club every weekend. That hasn’t stopped me (or any of you, I imagine) from continuing to drink vodka sodas in mass amounts every weekend or donning your masks to hit up your local dispensaries on a weekly basis. I’m sure in the long-run it’s better that most of us are getting blackout at home instead of blackout on Granville; but, honestly, at what cost? Having this money but missing out on experiencing “WAP” or all of Good News by Megan Thee Stallion at the club? That’s some WAP. (Wasted-ass potential.)

7. Make more of an effort to see your friends

I’ll be frank: texting is boring as fuck. If I get a text and all it says is “hey” the likelihood of me responding is the same as Lhindseigh from your high school posting in support of Black Lives Matter instead of sharing old photos of her in Bali with “take me back . . .” written on them. I can imagine if you share this sentiment, maintaining distant relationships has been rough. But worry not, there’s now a solution! And not like, Zoom or getting over your unwillingness to text back. No, you could just say “fuck it all” and discreetly host a gathering wtih your 25 closest friends. If people ask, just say you’re hosting a wedding ceremony for you and “good times” since weddings seem to be getting the pass right now. After your friends become the epicentre of another wave, however, “good times” will file for divorce. 

8. Get better at remembering important dates

Remember when summer break was strictly July and August, and you’d lose track of time because the days would just blend together? Now take that, make it an entire year, and you’ve got 2020. The only dates you may have ended up remembering are the birthdays of people whose birthday was in the middle of a lockdown, since I’m sure they incessantly posted about their “birthday month” to make up for the fact they couldn’t host a party for a bunch of people who don’t even like them. But you’re in luck; you’re about to remember when Christmas is because that one girl whose entire personality is based on a consumerist, religiously charged holiday is about to start her “_ days ‘til Christmas” countdown on her Instagram Story. At least that’s something . . . right?

9. Hit the weights more

Perhaps one of the most popular resolutions, improving one’s fitness is a goal that perfectly resembles society’s reaction towards COVID restrictions this year: a huge commitment at the start, only to gradually ease up until you eventually stop caring. Now people might blame the gyms closing down as the reason for this resolution’s failure. But let’s get real: none of you Bradstopher or Chadson types actually went to the gym when it was open; you maybe went once or twice just to Snap 50 girls with the caption “rise and grind.” I’ll give people credit, though: with the declining economy, political tensions, and daily heartbreaking news, everyone has learned how to be a little more flexible. I’m sure after carrying the weight of this year on your shoulders and the burden of other people’s carelessness, those muscles will be coming in, too! 

10. Try something new

This year, did you end up doing the same shit you do every year? Like criticize the choices of other people in a humorous/satirical way as a means for overcompensating for your crude takes? And feel like people don’t actually respect you because you stick with one comedic styling that works for you? Did you make a rash decision again out of nowhere because doing things suddenly is the only way you can feel satisfied with a decision you made? Or are you still feeling stuck somewhere, like staying with the same job because you’re scared of moving on from a place, but also hate being complacent and blame being “comfortable” for why you choose to make less than you think you should? If you felt called out, you shouldn’t, because this one’s about me.