Monday Music: Songs that remind me of my ex-boyfriend Joe that I listen to while pleasuring myself and weeping

Joe if you’re reading this I really miss you please answer my texts

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PHOTO: Kelly Sikkema / Unsplash

By: Juztin Bello, Copy Editor

So Joe and I have been broken up now for a week — a week, 11 hours, three minutes, and 43 seconds to be exact. Have I left bed since then? No. Have I stopped crying? Of course not. Has the muscle on my right forearm grown exponentially as thinking of my ex during the height of climaxing is the only way I can feel anything right now? Next question. If you’re like me and are in the need for songs specifically for jerking it while sobbing, this playlist might just be for you. (And Joe if you’re out there and you see this I love you baby I’d do anything to have you back.) 

“Deepthroat” – CupcakKe

This was our song. This will always be our song. As I blew you in the Denny’s parking lot on our second date with this song blaring on your car radio, you looked me in the eyes and said, “You and me forever, Clive” — to which I responded “GACKK AcKk” while trying not to vomit on your dick. This scene plays out in my head like a movie: the look in your eyes as I stared at you and gagged, your playful teasing of calling me the wrong name (my favourite recurring joke of yours), the ambient sound of the radio shouting “lick lick lick lick, I wanna eat your dick” mixed with the smell of piss wafting from the dumpster next to us, and the gasps of awe and wonder from the audience (AKA the onlookers from the Denny’s). I will replay this memory forever, Joe, especially while holding myself in the palm of my hand. 

“Cotton Eye Joe” – Rednex

It’s only natural to put a song with your ex’s name in it on such a playlist. You always hated this song because it’s actually about an STD, but I loved how that reminded me of you even more. For our three week anniversary, I made you that mixtape that was just this song on repeat 18 times. I bet you played that CD to death since it apparently broke so quickly. Should I make you another one? Would that get you back? Now here I am, just as lost as the narrator to this song. Where did you come from, but more importantly, Joe, where did you go?

“My Immortal” – Evanescence

This song hurts, in perhaps the best way possible. Sometimes lyrics that hit too close to home are what help you forget getting broken up with via a Snap that also had “streak” written out poorly on it. Sometimes perfect catharsis is the muffled sob you suppress as you shoot across the room at the wall 9ft away to an Evanescence song. It’s like Evanescence says, there’s just too much that time cannot erase. How can anyone expect me to get over a three month relationship this quickly? 

Jimmy Barnes screaming for 10 hours

Joe I’m losing my fucking mind without you. I’ve listened to this song on the daily since you’ve left. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I don’t even fucking know who Jimmy Barnes is, but his howling against a mountain backdrop seems to pleasure me enough until I pass out from exhaustion. Is this what you wanted? Are you satisfied? 

Or are you testing me? Ohhh, I see what you’re doing. You’re doing this on purpose. You want me to get out of this funk and come to you right now, don’t you? I’m running out of Kleenex and lube, anyways. This must be a sign. I still remember where your family kept the spare key. I always remembered the tiny things like that. Fuck, I can’t take it anymore. Hang on, baby. I’m on my way.

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