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Millionaire returns from isolated Caribbean retreat, complains about forced isolation in the real world

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Meet the mogul struggling in a world catered to him

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By: Serena Bains, Staff Writer

I just returned from a peaceful silent retreat from an island in the Caribbean, the name of which is not important for true soul-searchers like me. To my dismay, I returned to a dastardly state of affairs where self-isolation is the norm. 

I thought initially that physical distancing referred to my children or taxes. You can imagine my disappointment when I discovered it entailed quite the opposite. 

I am now confined to my luxury villa in Vancouver for two weeks where my neighbours are but a few measly acres away. It is cruel, really, how I have to suffer alone in quarantine. I can’t even make use of my $50,000 parking spot in Yaletown.

To make this quarantine worse, my tenants are refusing to pay rent and I apparently no longer have the right to evict them. This is what happens when a special snowflake, big government, communist authoritarian like Justin Trudeau has power. You cannot even kick people out on the street anymore! These people just sit at home and get addicted to government handouts. Pathetic.

It is not just because I, as a white man, can not empathize with any individual who has experienced hardships. It is because I can not empathize with anyone at all.  

Thankfully, this glorious free market awarded hard workers like myself $500 per tenant because I work for my money as a landlord. People do not understand how tough it is managing property that I do not know the address of.

People may not see it now, but this pandemic is an opportunity for people to really make something of themselves. Take a coding bootcamp, read a self-help book, manifest your destiny by taking what is rightfully yours and definitely did not belong to anyone before you. There are so many ample opportunities for everyone.

I have done this work, I cashed out my trust fund. Do I get any recognition? Of course not. I did the hard work of being my father’s son and some people just do not have the capacity to accomplish that.

It is shocking that I am being treated with such disrespect. What crime did I commit? The crime of inheriting an amount of wealth that could never be spent during my lifetime? Sue me! (But as a fair warning, my lawyers could eat your lawyer for breakfast, buddy.)

In all honesty, I regret ever stepping out of my private jet, into my Tesla, and re-entering such an authoritarian regime.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society