PIKACHU

As the cute and world-renowned series mascot, it manages to slide into the DMs of just about every Pokemedia ever. It’s also a useless piece of shit.

This mangy yellow rat is clingy, melodramatic, selfish, and ungrateful. In Pokemon Yellow, I can drop 2,100 hard-earned for a Thunderstone and Pikachu will still throw a bitch-fit and refuse to evolve into an actual worthwhile Pokemon – an opportunity which, incidentally, it really can’t afford to pass up, considering its nonexistent battle potential. (320 base stat total? More like a career in Pokéathlons.)

I think this is a case of child stardom getting to one’s head.

GARBODOR

Garbodor might get a lot of flak for being literal garbage, but the waste-based Pokemon is my idol.

We’ve all taken a day or two to be a Garbodor. My work desk looks sloppier than the conceptualization behind Pokémon Trozei!, and I don’t care. When you wanna be cute and trashy for a night – because what people stereotypically consider “trashy” is just a holdover from the stigmas buried not-so-deeply into society’s collective consciousness — Garbodor will be there when your judgy fake friends have bailed. And when you need bombass pigtail game, you know who to call.

One day, you’ll see the value in letting yourself rest in those smelly plastic arms. At least they won’t kill you, unlike the toxic liquid arms of the inferior, irrelevant hot mess that is Muk.

CHARIZARD

Actually, I love Charizard. But I can admit it’s one of my problematic faves.

I mean, it’s powerful and all, but it’s not great enough to deserve getting two Mega Evolutions as opposed to every other starter’s one (can you say favoured child?).

It’s also fake as fuck. It looks like a Dragon, it’s used by self-proclaimed dragon-master trainers, but it’s. . . a Fire/Flying-type! In the cesspool of poor planning called the Pokémon animated series, it was all nice and sweet as a Charmander — but once it evolved and realized, just like the audience, that Ash wasn’t worth shit as a Trainer, it backstabbed him more times than I care to count.

I will, however, give it credit for its cameo in the “before and after she contours” meme, because staying educated about makeup is important for girls and boys alike.

INCINEROAR

The final forms of the Alolan starters have been revealed, and poor, poor Incineroar never had a chance with the fandom.

After the deluge of Fire/Fighting-type starters, we’ve come to expect greatness following Delphox’s break from tradition. To see a supposedly Fire/Dark Pokemon look like yet another flaming musclehead is an OHKO to everyone’s dreams.

However, let’s be real. The fuck would’ve been more creative? At least Incineroar’s design inspiration is actually something based in the sparse wasteland of American culture.

You think I’m going to pick that shit as my starter? Fuck no. It’s ugly as hell and there’s no point when I can just import Houndoom. But it’s what we got, and if you don’t like that, go cry about it on DeviantArt and satisfy your wish fulfilment there.