With the SFU’s bookstores now accepting Bitcoins in exchange for textbooks and other callously over-priced course materials, several campus bullies who regularly beat students up for their lunch money are reporting that they will also be accepting Bitcoins effective immediately.
“We were skeptical when Bitcoins first came onto the scene,” said Travis “Knuckles” Barkley, a second-year Communications student and self-proclaimed wedgie king, “but over the years we’ve watched Bitcoins develop into something we’d be foolish not to embrace.
“I saw the slogan ‘new money for a new world’ on one of the new automated vending machines in the bookstore. It’s a saying I like to think we embrace as the social regulators of SFU.”
With Bitcoin vending machines unveiled at each of SFU’s three campuses late last month, it’s never been easier for students to acquire or transfer Bitcoins — a move that could also bring change to the bullying landscape at SFU and beyond.
“It’s really the natural progression for bullies to take,” Sarah Lebowski, a financial planner for Vancity credit union told The Peak. “The target demographics for most bullies are nerds and dorks, two groups who are among the most enthusiastic about a digital currency becoming more popular. If bullies want to take full advantage of this trend before it takes off, now’s the time to be tripping people they think might be smarter than them and tormenting them in ways that’s both scarring and financially beneficial.”
First made available in 2009, Bitcoins are a form of digital currency that allows for immediate transactions between individuals without the involvement of a third-party. Other benefits to Bitcoins also include lower fees than most banking institutions and a greater transparency to users through an online database that includes information on all Bitcoins.
But some critics are saying it’s too early to tell which way Bitcoins are heading, and that the safest thing for bullies to do is keep shaking down dweebs for cold-hard cash instead of Bitcoin redeemable codes.
“People love jumping on bandwagons they think are great but know very little about,” says Steve McBride, one of the few bullies at SFU who only accepts physical money or cigarettes as payment, “that’s all Bitcoins are. Some millennial jerkoffs trying to convince you Bitcoins are worth something while they take your real money.
“If any nitwit tries to give me Bitcoins instead of his actual money, I’m just going to beat them up even more!”
When asked to comment if he or his similar-minded cronies were worried about the long-term sustainability of Bitcoins, Barkley said that it wasn’t a concern and that The Peak should really stop hitting itself.
