Satire
Progressive grade-schooler announces fair trade offerings for Fruit Roll-Up
October 20, 2014In a historic decision that has been generating buzz all around the playground, second-grade student Billy Stanford has made a pledge to honour only 100 per cent fair trade offers for his strawberry Fruit Roll-up. Although in the past Stanford has been known, around Suncrest Elementary, to partake in far-from-equal exchanges for the snacks his mother packs him, it’s reported that’s all behind him as of this recess. “I’ve done a lot of growing up and realized it’s just not right to take advantage of those less fortunate than me,” Stanford told The Peak. “I’m consistently getting some of the…
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Nursery rhymes for nihilists
October 20, 2014The itsy bitsy spider Went up the waterspout. Down came the rain and Washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain. And the itsy bitsy spider bitterly repressed the thought That maybe, just maybe,…
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Prominent Occupy Central supporter revealed to be pro-annexation British colonel
October 20, 2014Members of the Occupy Central movement were surprised this week to learn that one of their most vocal supporters, ex-Special Air Service commander Percival Harrington III, has only been encouraging the protests in hopes that Hong Kong will reunite with…
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Cat fed up with human constantly puking and shiting on her good toilet
October 20, 2014After months of rampant speculation and backroom meetings, area cat Whiskers has confirmed that she is sick of her human treating her toilet as if it’s a litter box. “Enough is enough,” Whiskers declared at a press conference, held yesterday…
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Family takes break from arguing around the table long enough to eat a dead bird and accompanying dishes
October 14, 2014Citing little more than a close geographic proximity and having several genes in common, the Thurstons and their extended family came together on October 13 to argue around a dining room table, punctuated by intermittent periods of eating turkey. “Everyone’s…
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SFU’s Shoulder Bump Bandit strikes again
October 14, 2014The Shoulder Bump Bandit — an evil, apparently-in-a-rush mastermind who has been terrorizing SFU since September — has struck again. This is the fourth attack on the SFU populace, and it would seem no one is safe. The latest attack…
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On the art of group projects
October 14, 2014Now, I trust you’ve all looked over the syllabus and the academic honesty outline I posted prior to this class. Any questions? No? Good, then let’s talk about the group project assignment due in November. I know most of you…
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Local mom denies allegations that she’s mad, confirms she’s disappointed
October 6, 2014After hours of speculation from concerned family members, a mother from Vancouver has come out as saying that, although she isn’t mad at her son, she is certainly disappointed in him. “I understand that he’s just at that age,” Martha…
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Great Pacific garbage patch discovered to be primarily stuff you’ve lost over the years
October 6, 2014A study released by the United Nations Environment Programme (UNEP) has revealed what some environmentalists had already feared most: up to 90 per cent of the Great Pacific garbage patch is comprised of crap you’ve continued to lose or misplace…
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Independent poll finds Mel Gibson largely responsible for failed Scottish referendum
October 6, 2014A poll by an independently-run UK group, conducted in the wake of the failed Scottish referendum, indicates that most registered voters opted against separation from the United Kingdom because of Mel Gibson’s supposed connection to Scottish independence. The poll, conducted…
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