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Great Pacific garbage patch discovered to be primarily stuff you’ve lost over the years

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Study has brought much-needed attention to the garbage patch’s high volumes of phone chargers and water bottles.

A study released by the United Nations Environment Programme (UNEP) has revealed what some environmentalists had already feared most: up to 90 per cent of the Great Pacific garbage patch is comprised of crap you’ve continued to lose or misplace over the years.

Widely recognized as the accumulation and literal manifestation of consumerism — particularly non-decomposable plastics and other side effects of a disposable consumer mindset — samples of the garbage patch indicate high levels of mismatched socks, Bic lighters, hair ties, iPod cords, and scrap pieces of paper with that cutie from the bar’s phone number on it.

“It’s troubling, to say the least,” UNEP specialist Kenny Wilkins told press following the announcement. “All of those times you falsely accused someone of taking your lighter or yelled at a sibling for losing the remote again. We never could have suspected this is where it was all going.”

The ballpoint pen and phone charger cesspool is located in the Pacific Ocean, between Asia and North America, and was first discovered back in 1997. Though the mass’ exact size has been difficult to estimate — with reports typically falling between the size of Texas to as big as the United States — scientists warn that it grows larger every day, “because you lost your keys again.”

“I doubt many would argue we’re facing one of the biggest environmental crises of our generation,” Wilkins continued. “It’s easy to lose track of an old shirt or your drunk friend Tiffany while outside of the club on a Friday night, but people need to be aware of where all these lost items are going. This out-of-sight, out-of-mind mentality is what caused the Pacific Garbage patch to form in the first place.”

While it’s still unclear what removal or deconstructive initiatives, if any, the UNEP has planned for the waste behemoth, Wilkins emphasized that efforts are focused on future prevention rather than immediate dismantling: “Unfortunately a lot of the damage has already been done; we can, however, work together to prevent the problem from getting worse. We have to realize that we’re not the ones who’ll have to live with the consequences. It’s our children and our children’s children who will be left to deal with a continent-sized mound of misplaced receipts for electronics we bought on an impulse.”

Several organizations, including Greenpeace Canada and the World Nature Organization, have already begun initiatives to encourage simple, low-cost ways with which people can stop losing their shit so it doesn’t end up part of the junk vortex. Earlier this week, Greenpeace launched the The Not-Lost Cause campaign to positive response, offering simple suggestions such as rolling your socks into pairs before putting them away, having a specific hook in your house designated for keys, and not getting so blackout drunk that you lose your wallet, phone, and dignity.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society