Marissa Ouyang
Horoscopes October 7 – 13
October 7, 2024By: Tam Nguyen, Staff Writer Aries March 21–April 19 Breaking news: Aries, Queen Bee of the New York Socialites, is stepping down after her scandalous angry outburst at her friend because “she chews too loud.” I wonder who’s next in line to the throne? Taurus April 20–May 20 Spotted fleeing without dessert at a three-Michelin-starred restaurant in Manhattan, self-proclaimed food critic Taurus announced, “These restaurants ain’t shit,” and she could make better lime cheesecake. Gemini May 21–June 20 Spotted: Gemini is heartbroken after confessing his unrequited love for his best friend. Can our Casanova, who charms everyone and ghosts them…
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Horoscopes: September 9–15
September 9, 2024By: Amrit Kamaal, Peak Associate Aries March 21–April 19 Honey, congrats on hitting 1 million views on a TikTok lipsyncing about how “demure and mindful” you are for wearing an Aritzia pantsuit to get coffee. With your newfound clout, it’s…
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Horoscopes July 22–28
July 23, 2024By: Amrit Kamaal, Peak Associate Aries March 21–April 19 This summer, please take a course on internet safety and the effects of AI. I know you want to become more adventurous and outdoorsy, but asking ChatGPT for hiking directions might…
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Horoscopes July 8–14
July 8, 2024By: Sonya Janeshewski, Peak Associate Aries March 21–April 19 If you’re an Aries man, yikes. You’re already prone to Chronic Mansplaining, which can be reputation-threatening if not caught early. To avoid a cosmic pummeling, be humbled publicly this week. If…
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Horoscopes July 1–7
July 2, 2024By: Michelle Young, Copy Editor Aries March 21–April 19 Isekai this, isekai that. Everything you own is isekai because you deeply relate to boring protagonists with no personality, and use manga for wish fulfilment. I promise if you were thrown…
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Horoscopes June 24 – 30
June 24, 2024By: Amrit Kamaal, Peak Associate Aries March 21–April 19 You totally fell for the Sonny Angel epidemic. You couldn’t resist the cuteness and just bought one, telling yourself it’ll be good for the economy. Soon, you thought it wouldn’t hurt…
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Horoscopes June 17 – June 23
June 17, 2024By: Cam Darting, Peak Associate Aries March 21–April 19 Anything but a G-string As an Aries, you’re fun, energetic, and the life of the party. At Pride, you’ll be jumping up and down, dancing, and because of this, we need…
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Horoscopes June 10 – 16
June 13, 2024By: Amrit Kamaal, Peak Associate Aries March 21–April 19 You’re built completely different. Look at you getting last-minute candy in the Burnaby campus vending machine room, which is a real room solely dedicated to vending machines. You also made…
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Horoscopes May 27 – June 2
May 27, 2024By: C Icart, Humour Editor Aries March 21–April 19 “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers Listen, who are you trying to kid? You’re gonna show up to the bar insisting you’ll sing a different song, but you won’t. You’re a creature…
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Horoscopes May 6 – 12
May 6, 2024By: C Icart, Humour Editor Aries March 21–April 19 Just delete all your social media. You do not have the self-control to prevent yourself from typing, “must be nice spending your parents money insert face blowing a kiss emoji here”…
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