HUMOUR
Your Weekly Horoscopes Jan. 11–15
January 10, 2021By: Kyla Dowling, Staff Writer Aries: You just don’t feel alive anymore, Aries. After learning every routine on Just Dance and burning the polaroids of everyone who wronged you in 2020, you need more spice. My recommendation? Get a COVID-19 test just to feel something again. The nussy is a real thing. Taurus: You are about to receive a call to action, Taurus. The universe is once again calling on you to act as the winner in an argument started on a Reddit thread. Victory will be even sweeter when you retrospectively act it out in the shower. Gemini: Some…
Continue reading
Canadian government announces 2021 stimulus of a $10 Steam card and some foil balloons
January 9, 2021By: Alex Masse, Staff Writer The Canadian government held a press event today to discuss their new 2021 COVID-19 relief effort. A representative announced that the follow-up to their hefty $500 stimulus for single individuals living through eight months of…
Continue reading
How your email really found me
January 9, 2021By: Dev Petrovic, Staff Writer Out of all the horrible things that occurred during 2020, there’s one thing that’s been neglected in the 2020 slander: the pity emails. Now, I don’t just mean any regular ol’ pity emails. I mean…
Continue reading
The perfect stocking stuffers for your loved one going through a quarter-life crisis
November 30, 2020By: Kyla Dowling, Peak Associate As the snow falls, we too fall under the weight of the self-awareness of Christmas and its exploitative, capitalistic nature hidden behind a happy bearded man in red. Are you crying into your overpriced emotional…
Continue reading
Top Ten failed 2020 New Year’s resolutions
November 30, 2020By: Juztin Bello, Copy Editor Travel more to ~find yourself~ People with a “this is going to be my year” mentality seek travel to ~discover themselves~, acquire ~hip lingo that definitely isn’t appropriation and misuse of a language~, and to…
Continue reading
“I can’t wait for this year to end!” says student who thinks the pandemic will randomly stop because of an arbitrary date
November 29, 2020By: Kyla Dowling, Peak Associate In a few brief weeks, it will be 2021, and we all know what that means. The minute the clock strikes midnight on New Years’ Eve — but like, specifically midnight where I am because…
Continue reading
Holiday season jeopardized by the dreaded Disney Adults buying all the Disney merchandise
November 29, 2020By: Alex Masse, Peak Associate The toy stores open during this pandemic — endangering workers just so some kid can play with Lego for five minutes then lose interest — found their Disney sections utterly gutted by a different plague:…
Continue reading
How is this Animal Crossing island coping after its mayor got over the game months ago?
November 24, 2020By: Kelly Chia, Peak Associate Fog sets in on anotha night. Da animals are running amok since da boss dipped. I look around, dart in ma mouth, frown on mah face, and no time fa bullshit tonight. Tonight, ya boy’s…
Continue reading
This is just The Sims 5: The Simon Fraser University Expansion Pack
November 23, 2020By: Paige Riding, Humour Editor Are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you? The only explanation for this absolutely horrible, disastrous, what-the-whole-entire-fuck period of time is, of course, some piece of shit staring at…
Continue reading
SFU gets rid of professors to save president’s salary
November 23, 2020By: Madeleine Chan, Opinions Editor BURNABY, BC — SFU plans to cut its spending budget drastically by firing all teaching staff for the upcoming Spring 2021 semester in lieu of SFU President Joy Johnson’s supply of supposed “fat stacks.” The…
Continue reading
Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]
Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]