As the snow falls, we too fall under the weight of the self-awareness of Christmas and its exploitative, capitalistic nature hidden behind a happy bearded man in red. Are you crying into your overpriced emotional support holiday throw pillow already? Sure, it says “Merry & Bright”, but you’re neither. That’s alright — being a self-aware adult around Christmastime just promises gifts you’ll actually need instead of ones that spark any real joy while your parents are still half-assedly pretending Santa is real (even though you’re 21, mom.) Who knows what Santa might bring you? Here are some possibilities!
- Hand sanitizer that smells like the booze you had a bad experience with in middle school
Remember the first time you ever drank in the eighth grade? It was Emily’s birthday party. You told your parents it was a sleepover so they’d let you go, but really it was a bunch of messy fourteen-year-olds and Emily’s mom, who said she was there to “supervise” but definitely drank more than all of you combined because she’s a “cool momma”? Sweet memories. This hand sanitizer that might save you from getting COVID-19 smells exactly like the Everclear you drank that night, threw up all over her brother’s shoes, and then blamed it on Aiden. Have fun being reminded of that multiple times a day while you fight the virus.
2. Christmas-shaped pot cookies
Oh look! There’s a box of cookies, shaped like snowmen and stockings and ornaments. That’s cute, I guess, but on the bottom of the box there’s the classic label that brings joy to your heart: that tiny red hexagon that says “THC” on it. Santa knows you so well. Take a little bite of one, if you want, but make sure it’s a small piece — “Frosty the Snowman” is actually terrifying when you’re greening out. Most importantly, make sure you hide the box. Otherwise, your family is bound to try and snack on it. It’s definitely not fun when your mom sneaks a few too many and ruins Christmas by eating the entire turkey before dinner and then crying because she swears the Rudolph figurine on the mantle looked at her funny.
3. A chocolate shaped like Jeff Bezos’ heart
Always wanted to eat the rich? Not actually capable of doing so because a) that’s cannibalism, and b) his soulless eyes scare you more than flying on airplanes right now? If you’re lucky, one of your stocking stuffers might be a chocolate sculpture of Jeff Bezos’ heart. Not only is it an exact replication at the same size as his, it also has salted caramel as blood and real gold flakes lining the aorta. Eating the rich has never been so delicious! If you don’t get this in your stocking, it’s available on Amazon for $399 plus tax. And if you have Amazon Prime, you might be eligible for free shipping!
