HUMOUR
The Peak makes record-breaking sales after adding 43 variants of their editions, including the ultra-fan-favourite: Rare glitter edition
December 19, 2025By: Veronica Richards, SFU Student Why read the news when you could collect it? The Peak is coming off the press with 43 new variants of next week’s edition, and you could get your hands on an exclusive version. Don’t worry, the content is the same, but everyone knows that how it looks on your display shelf is what matters most. Check out our “ALL CAPS,” splurge on BOLD, or maybe our italic version, and so many more. Rumour has it, a secret 🕈︎♓︎■︎♑︎♎︎♓︎■︎♑︎’⬧︎ (Wingdings’) version is hidden in The Peak’s office (luckily, a video tutorial exists so you don’t…
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I give a guy a chance . . . and look what happened
December 19, 2025By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Diva I just got back from a date, and . . . wow. There might be a lot of fish in the sea, but damn, the sea is POLLUTED. This guy was a nightmare! He picked…
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How long will Carney’s government last? We asked a tea leaf reader
December 19, 2025By: Ashi, Multiverse 538.10.1.4’s top-grossing divinator How long will this government survive? Read on to find out! Remember to follow my TikTok for exclusive digital palm reading. Hiiii, lovelies! Welcome back to my Federal Future Forecast Series, where I ask…
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Horoscopes are back
December 18, 2025By: Katie Walkley, Peak Associate Aries (March 21–April 19) Go lay in grandma’s lap, tough guy. You deserve it. If you don’t have a grandma, any scruffy-looking dog will do. It’s gotta be scruffy, though. Taurus (April 20–May 20) Stars…
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Starbucks CEO addresses store closures and layoffs
December 18, 2025By: Persephone Alexander, Your CEO’s Underpaid Secretary Subject: Brewing Change Together: A message from the heart of your dear CEO Dear Starbucks Partners (and soon to be “former partners” — semantics, really), I hope this message finds you well, or…
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SFU employee spills the tea about her embezzlement-obsessed colleague
December 8, 2025By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Investigator The following is a satirical and fictional commentary. Oh boy, do we have some juicy tea for you. Have you ever wanted to say, “Fuck the system!” and chug some milk while your boss has…
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SCARY STORIES: Vampire spotted at the Bennett Library
November 11, 2025By: Gurnoor Jhajj, SFU Student and Mason Mattu, Humour Editor It all went down before a history midterm, on the sixth floor of the library. I was going over my notes, double-fisting two coffees and an energy drink, when I…
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BEEDIE BRO: Ghosts, goblins, ghouls, and great investment opportunities
November 11, 2025By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, Entrepreneur Yes, I still go trick-or-treating, just not for the candy. What a lot of people without the Beedie mindset don’t realize is that Halloween is the perfect networking opportunity. See, while everyone else is going door…
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I HATE YOU. UNSINCERLY, YOUR LAPTOP’S KEYBOARD
November 11, 2025By: Veronica Richards, SFU Student Every day, I curse that I was born as a plebeian laptop keyboard! If only I could’ve been a bougie mechanical with 18 different components and satisfying clicky sounds . . . (click, click, click).…
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The Convocation Games
November 11, 2025By: Tribute from District Academia The day the reaping email arrived, the clouds over Burnaby brooded deeper than usual. A message was broadcast to every graduating student from the registrar’s office: “Each graduate shall receive two tickets for the ceremony.…
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