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Horoscopes June 17 – June 23

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An illustration of a girl, stars and astrological signs strewn in her hair.
ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: Cam Darting, Peak Associate

Aries
March 21–April 19 
Anything but a G-string
As an Aries, you’re fun, energetic, and the life of the party. At Pride, you’ll be jumping up and down, dancing, and because of this, we need to ensure the goods are intact. So, DON’T WEAR A G-STRING (especially if you have a penis). You do not want that thing flopping out and about like a fish outta water. YIKES!

Taurus
April 20–May 20
You can rock anything
As a Taurus, you are graceful and diligent. The heavens trust that you will exude elegance no matter what you wear. OK, actually, the heavens retract that. Wear anything but a fursuit. This summer is going to be so hot, you don’t want to overheat. No meowing and woofing for you this Pride season.

Gemini
May 21–June 20
Rainbow face paint
This is the perfect chance for you to hide your two-faced personality. You already wear a mask when you talk to people; what’s one more? Make sure to pick the most durable, sweat and waterresistant paint (you’ll need it).

Cancer
June 21–July 22
A bedazzled backpack
You, my friend, are nurturing, caring, and loving. I know you’re gonna wanna pack everything from food to a first-aid kit because you wanna be prepared. This is why you need to wear a bedazzled backpack. It’s cute, it’s gay, and it’ll fit all your essentials — even that pink vibrator of yours ;).

Leo
July 23–August 22
Nothing
This suggestion is not for kids or people who are afraid of public indecency charges. But, for the rest of you Leos, what better way to grab people’s attention than wearing nothing? When I say nothing, I mean NOTHING. Those little pubes of yours have got to go. If it’s not looking like Mr. Clean’s head, you’re doing it wrong.

Virgo
August 23–September 22
A T-shirt that says “love wins”
My favourite prude. As the most conservative of the signs, you get a T-shirt. Boring? Yes. But it’s OK because so is your personality <3

Libra
September 23–October 22
Red lace underwear
The stars suggest adult Libras strut in lace underwear. As our favourite romantics, we know for sure you’ll use your charming personality to bag yourselves a partner for the night. For added drama, you can wait for the late-night Pride parties to begin before you reveal your little red number. 

Scorpio
October 23–November 21
Sunglasses
Shade, shade, shadeeeeeeee. As the shadiest sign known to man, you better wear some sunglasses for all the reading you’re about to do this Pride. From the outfits to the people showing up, you’re gonna have an opinion, and it might not be the nicest.

Sagittarius
November 22–December 21
A fan/a>
You betta work, Ms. Sag. As a fun and energetic friend, you will be the life of the parade. You need something as big as your personality to accompany you, hence the fan. CLACK, CLACK, CLACK. That is all the crowd is gonna hear from you, opening that gigantic fan all day. 

Capricorn
December 22–January 19
A rainbow flag
Chances are, you’re gonna transit to the parade, and you don’t wanna be covered in body glitter and temporary rainbow tattoos. This is why the heavens have given you a rainbow flag to wave. It’s easy to hold and can be quickly tucked away so you don’t get hate crimed! You can blend in with the queers and blend in with the homophobes. You’ll be like Hannah Montana, living a double life.

Aquarius
January 20–February 18 
BODY GLITTER
Sorry, I just got dazzled by how much glitter will be all over your body, Aquarius. It’s perfect for you because you’re prob one of the only signs who can rock this. BTW, when I say body glitter, I mean ONLY body glitter. Aquariuses need to let their nips breathe. NGL, you might get arrested for public indecency, but at least you’ll have Leo to keep you company!

Pisces
February 19–March 20
All rainbow fit
We all have that one friend who’s overly supportive. That’s you, Pisces. Because of this, you’ll want to show how much you love your 2SLGBTQIA+ friends, which is why you’re given all rainbow to wear. Is it a lot? Yes. Is it tacky? Yes. Is it sooooo Pisces? YES.

BC’s decision to recriminalize drugs makes a bad problem worse

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Skyscrapers on a Downtown Vancouver street as seen from below.
PHOTO: Amirul Anirban / The Peak

By: Sofia Chassomeris, SFU Student

Content warning: mentions of overdose and death.

Since declaring the crisis eight years ago, BC has lost over 14,000 people to overdose, with Indigenous people making up nearly “six times the rate of other BC residents.” According to CBC, “toxic drugs are the leading cause of death for people aged 10–59” in the province. Complete prohibition of these drugs, while it may seem like an attractive idea to elected officials, does not work. Two years ago, BC was granted a historical exemption to the Controlled Drugs and Substances Act to decriminalize “small-scale possession of illicit drugs” for a three-year pilot project. This May, BC recriminalized these substances, which is a major step backwards.

Drug decriminalization is an important harm reduction policy. It can help prevent overdose by understanding that people who use drugs can face difficulty receiving medical or social care if the threat of criminal prosecution continues to loom over them. Decriminalization paves the way for constructive and rehabilitative solutions for those who use drugs, while having a criminal record poses significant barriers to social reintegration. Harm reduction ideologies recognize that addiction is not a moral failing but a result of larger social and economic structures. In practice, harm reduction shifts the focus from punishment and abstinence to compassion, support, and safe pharmaceutical alternatives. Most importantly, harm reduction practices treat people who use drugs as people, first and foremost. This is extremely relevant given the stigma around people who use drugs and the social connotations of being criminalized.

Harm reduction practices treat people who use drugs as people, first and foremost.

Two years after decriminalization, BC recriminalized the use of drugs in public spaces. A CBC article notes that while possession of 2.5 grams or less and use in private residences is still decriminalized, use in public spaces is what the amendment seeks to prevent. Although the government may argue this is the most practical solution, I wholly disagree. I do not trust the VPD or RCMP, organizations with a gruesome history of violence toward marginalized members of the community, to make unbiased and just decisions regarding who is a danger to public safety. This amendment also seems entirely targeted. We know that the opioid crisis disproportionately affects people who are unhoused or experiencing unstable housing; making their legal safety contingent on using drugs in a private residence is just diabolical. 

The Select Standing Committee on Health’s report from the Legislative Assembly of BC recommends that drug trafficking enforcement should be part of a broader response. Rather than prioritizing law enforcement, they request that “overdose and mental health calls be redirected to more specialized responders where possible,” and recognize a larger continuum of care is necessary to provide significant solutions. Strictly medical views of substance use are deceptive in that they avoid discussions about the things that harm drug users the most, such as drug laws and excessive use of police force to impose them. In reality, the actual harm experienced by people who use drugs is a by-product of social, economic, and racial inequality, on top of the physiological and mental effects of addiction. Drug criminalization disproportionately impacts Indigenous people due to factors like racial profiling and overpolicing, compounded with systemic healthcare and social barriers. They’re also overrepresented in overdose statistics, making up 10% of mortalities. This is why harm reduction policies alone cannot alleviate what is ultimately a consequence of colonialism — but that doesn’t make them meritless. 

Giving the police even more authority to assess who is a danger to their surroundings will do further irreparable damage to the lives of people who use drugs. Where instead they could be met with empathy and understanding, they are met with punitive force and aggression. This is a critical mistake from the provincial government, especially when the opioid crisis is ravaging our most vulnerable communities. This amendment will only put more people in danger. With BC’s next provincial election only four months away, I urge students who are eligible to register to vote and become involved in community and regional politics — it will not fix the problem, but it may bring us closer to creating meaningful solutions.

Residential school deniers show us colonialism is still rampant

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an orange every child matters shirt
PHOTO: Prerita Garg / The Peak

By: Olivia Visser, Opinions Editor

Content warning: mentions of unmarked graves, genocide, death, and abuse.

When more than 200 unmarked graves were discovered at Kamloops Residential School in 2021, a movement to uncover the extent of residential school graves gained traction. As evidence pointed to the existence of thousands of unmarked graves, a disturbing number of residential school deniers came out of the woodwork and into the public eye — so much so that if you search “residential school graves” on Google, you’ll be met with misinformation on the first page. 

Popular conservative news outlets like National Post have published multiple articles hinging on denialism, including one titled “Canada slowly acknowledging there never was a ‘mass grave.’” Other fringe publications have claimed there’s “no evidence” supporting unmarked graves, and have even called them a “social panic.” Kimberley Murray, a member of Kanehsatà:ke First Nation and Independent Special Interlocutor, commented last year that the rise in residential school denialism coincides with increased reconciliation efforts. Her office’s interim report from last year mentions that “many international experts point out that denialism is the last step in genocide. The fact that a significant portion of the population disagrees on the nature of residential schools is evidence of colonialism’s lasting legacy.

For the past decade and a half, so-called Canada’s running narrative has been that residential schools were a “dark side” of the country’s history. But these institutions weren’t just a side of Canada’s colonial legacy — they were foundational to it. Residential schools were part of a large-scale forced enfranchisement operation, meaning attendees lost their Indian status and any protections from the Indian Act. The forced assimilation into so-called Canadian culture estranged people from their cultures and families, causing severe intergenerational trauma. Viewing residential schools as a singular historical event is harmful. It minimizes individual experiences, overlooks continuous systemic injustices, and opens up opportunities for denial. 

Residential school denialism isn’t just the idea that residential schools didn’t exist, but rather encompasses talking points that are considered socially acceptable enough for even major newspapers to publish. Frequent attempts to downplay the extent and role of residential schools undermine the collective trauma experienced by over 150,000 children. Arguments that “only” 32% of “school-age status Indian children” attended these institutions diminish how large a number that really is. Similarly, the claim that these mass graves were not “deliberately concealed” or “the result of homicide” overlooks the fact that many Indigenous children still went to these schools to die — be it from neglect, illness, or abuse. When semantics take priority over the voices of survivors, something is deeply wrong. 

There’s no shortage of evidence for how genocidal residential schools were, yet conversations about their legacy were less prominent in popular media before 2021. The surge in discussions about these institutions outside an academic setting is a good thing. However, it’s still not enough to merely recognize that residential schools existed. History is not a fixed point on a graph — the impacts from events continue on. Studies have found that many residential school survivors and their descendants experience poor physical and mental health to this day. Residential schools were often falsely advertised as positive schooling opportunities for Indigenous people, yet many survivors were never taught to read or write, which set them up for difficulty in the workforce. Comments that downplay the government and Catholic church’s responsibility in these schools are steeped in cruelty and misinformation.

For a government that supposedly cares enough about Canadian news content to blacklist it from social media platforms, it’s telling that they’re also willing to fund publications that set reconciliation efforts back decades. Canada’s Department of Justice recently began talks of “legal mechanisms” to tackle residential school denialism, which could potentially include persecution. The European Union has similarly outlawed Holocaust denial, and Canada followed suit in 2022. Criminalizing residential school denialism could be a step in the right direction, especially if it prioritizes news outlets. At the same time, Canadians also have an individual responsibility to address the harms of the system they live under. Michael Eshkawkogan, an Anishnaabe man from Wikwemikong, said, “There is room for conversation with people who downplay or misunderstand what Indigenous people experienced in residential schools.”

When we see denialism in our news feeds, we should use it as an opportunity to uphold truth — reconciliation is meaningless without it. If someone you know makes a claim that minimizes residential schools, call them out. If a credible publication you read downplays any aspect of residential schools, email the editor-in-chief and consider not supporting them. Continual self-education is also important — don’t expect Indigenous people to do that labour for you. Recognizing and dispelling misinformation and denialism means we must all know what truth is. 

Hidden Gems: Indigenous-owned businesses

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PHOTO: Elyana Moradi / The Peak

By: Prerita Garg, SFU Student

Tradish’s The Ancestor Café

23433 Mavis Ave., Fort Langley
Open Wednesday–Sunday, 10:00 a.m.–5:00 p.m.
Online: tradishcanada.ca

Tradish’s The Ancestor Café is the ideal spot for those looking to try out some delicious delicacies from Indigenous cultures. Their plant medicine jams, such as their smoky juniper cherry and chamomile pear, are crafted to help treat ailments like chest congestion and high blood pressure. This café also offers blueberry lavender baked bannocks, the three sisters bannock tacos, raspberry dandelion tea, Spirit Bear coffee, and more. These delectable goodies are crafted by Chef Sarah Meconse Mierau, whose goal is to “nurture a deeper appreciation for Indigenous culture through culinary experiences.” Explore their online ordering option to ship these culinary delights to your home. 

Wickaninnish Gallery

#14 1666 Johnston St., Vancouver
Open every day 10:00 a.m.–6:00 p.m.
Online: wickaninnishgallery.com

The Wickaninnish Gallery is a premier destination for buying Indigenous artwork and is located in the heart of Granville Island. Featured artist Mike Matilpi is of Kwakwaka’wakw descent and has been carving ornate jewellery since 1993. Wickaninnish Gallery offers home decor including fleece blankets and handmade ceramic pots, as well as kitchen supplies such as coasters featuring depictions of animals in formline design (the unifying black band prevalent in Haida art). Their enchanting dream catchers are made from stones and feathers. Dream catchers were first created by Ojibwe peoples as a means of protecting each other from bad dreams. With a rich 37-year legacy, this gallery is an essential stop for those seeking cultural immersion and timeless craftsmanship.

Spirit Gallery

6408 Bay St., West Vancouver / Shop online
Open every day 10:00 a.m.6:00 p.m.
Online: spirit-gallery.com

Spirit Gallery is home to a shop a multitude of charming gifts. Take a look at their intricately designed hand carvings of ravens or bears on colourful masks and paddles, silver sun earrings or gold hummingbird bracelets, and prints featuring clever formline design like an Angry Raven. You can also buy plushies, playing cards, and board games. Their puzzles are priced between $12$22, making them a great gifting choice. The gallery features the exceptional work of Klatle-Bhi, who is known for his masks, totem poles, and other sculptures. 

What Grinds Our Gears: Unyielding bikers

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PHOTO: Brent Olson / Unsplash

By: Petra Chase, Editor-in-Chief

I love my bike, and I love how bike-friendly Vancouver is. From Stanley Park to Spanish Banks, we’ve got the “world’s longest uninterrupted waterfront path” available to us, with mountain views. I would have no complaints if it weren’t for the fact that CROSSWALKS MEAN NOTHING TO PEOPLE.

I hate to say it, because cyclists already have a bad rep among drivers, but they can be self-righteously impatient. I, too, feel annoyed when people walk in clearly marked bike lanes, but at least I don’t pick and choose which markings I follow! But there’s this phenomenon: bikers don’t stop at crosswalks, even if people are waiting in heavy-traffic areas. There are no cars here! Who do they think the crosswalk on the bike path is for?

To make matters worse, when I actually stop for pedestrians at crosswalks, they don’t go. They just stare at me in disbelief, probably because they’ve literally never had a biker stop for them before. So, there’s now this awkward dance: I’ll motion them to go, they’ll politely refuse and motion me to go as if they’re doing me a favour (I’ve already halted). Then, after giving them a few seconds to make up their mind, they somehow always decide to actually go as soon as I start. I end up stopping again and they run as if the floor is lava. It didn’t have to be like this!

The worst is when I stop at a crosswalk for folks but no one else does, so I’m just sitting there while bike after bike passes, everyone for themselves. Crosswalks are few and far between, so it’s not even that inconvenient to stop in the pedestrian-heavy areas, where they’re designed to get walkers to their designated paths safely which is great for everyone sharing the path! 

The Bright-er Side: summer semesters

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someone with a cheerful look on their face, SFU burnaby campus backdrop, sun shining
ILLUSTRATION: Cliff Ebora / The Peak

By: Kaja Antic, Staff Writer

This summer I decided to take courses on the main Burnaby campus for the first time in my SFU career, and so far, I’ve really enjoyed it. 

Scaling Burnaby Mountain watching the Burnaby skyline meet the bright blue atmosphere is unmatched. Sometimes you’ll see a deer or even a bear along the winding roads, the animals welcoming you to the natural beauty surrounding the campus. 

I know SFU’s brutalist architecture style seems depressing to many, but there’s something about the vines spread across the library’s exterior walls that makes it seem like an inviting grand fortress.

As I watch fellow students and community members walk through the campus on a nice day — enjoying the AQ pond, reading outside, not worried about being judged for their caffeine source of choice — the concrete blocks become bright and beautiful. 

It’s also wonderful to not worry about forgetting my jacket, and when I’m done a full day of class, there’s still plenty of sunlight for my travels home. There’s a certain aura of lightness to the semester, even if you’re taking a particularly difficult course.

I understand some have reservations about the summer semester, whether it be to work or get a break from schooling. Still, the energy of the semester can brighten up the grey experiences of the previous months, and I highly recommend at least visiting the campus paths during this season to get a taste of the beauty often clouded during the traditional school year.

Saanich Council expands free transit for youth

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a street in the District of Saanich containing a bus stop
PHOTO: Andy Nystrom / Flickr

By: Hannah Fraser, News Writer

On May 13, Saanich City Councillors voted in favour of a resolution to allow free transit for “young people up to, and including, the age of 18.” The resolution was brought forward by the Union of British Columbia Municipalities (UBCM) to expand the Get On Board program, which already grants children 12 and under free access to all BC Transit and TransLink services.

Council hopes that expanding the program could yield a “wide spectrum of benefits.” These include “financial support for individuals and families, social engagement, accessibility, equity, independence, and environmental benefits.” The Peak corresponded with Dr. Teale Phelps Bondaroff, chair of Saanich’s Active Transportation Advisory Committee, for more information.

“Free transit for young people is an investment in our future,” he said. He added this will aid youth in BC in accessing “education and employment opportunities, social activities, and other essential services.” 

“When we make transit free for young people, we empower them to explore, connect, and grow independently, building a sense of confidence and autonomy while fostering a generation of life-long transit riders,” he continued. During the councillors’ meeting, ten young people and a Girl Guides unit shared what the program would mean to them as young transit takers.

According to Phelps Bondaroff, one speaker highlighted that more accessible transit would allow for better social connection among youth. Another speaker spoke about how her bus pass allowed her to get to school every day although she lived much further away. 

“When you have access to expanded transportation, you have access to so many new educational opportunities that would otherwise be unavailable to you.” 

He emphasized that making transit free for more youth would be better than implementing a means tested program, which determines if a person or household is eligible to receive some sort of benefit or payment.Studies have also “found many families had unmet needs for services or were not using services available to them” because of other barriers, such as “eligibility and documentation requirements, program structure, availability of translation services, location of services, intake procedures, and length of waiting time to apply for or receive services.”   

While the public has other concerns about transit, such as more regular service, Phelps Bondaroff explained that free transit for youth creates “lifelong transit riders” who will “demand improved bus services and also be willing to fund them.”

In addition to UBCM’s resolution to expand transit for youth, another draft resolution to make transit free for seniors over 65 has been created and will be discussed during the June 10 meeting of Saanich Council. Phelps Bondaroff expressed that the benefits of free transit for youth also apply to seniors who could also experience better connectivity in their communities through free transit.

SFU administration to discuss divestment from Israel

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PHOTO: Gudrun Wai-Gunnarsson / The Peak

By: Hannah Fraser, News Writer

Content warning: mentions of genocide.

On May 30, SFU president Joy Johnson and the Board of Governors agreed to discuss divestment from arms companies that profit from the genocide in occupied Palestine. This announcement comes after months of community pressure and over 1,000 students, faculty, and alumni signing the divestment petition of SFU Faculty for Palestine (F4P), “a network of faculty who support the cause of Palestinian liberation.” Other recent actions included the Belzberg Library protest at SFU Harbour Centre while the Board of Governors’ meeting was held. 

According to SFU F4P, before SFU’s announcement, a faculty-wide vote was held for the divestment. Due to hacking allegations, the vote was found unreliable and a re-vote was scheduled three weeks later.

The petition demands divestment from BAE Systems, Booz Allen Hamilton, and CAE Inc., all companies that have “collectively facilitated the killing, maiming, or displacement of millions.” These companies constitute $7.2 million “of the joint endowment and non-endowment invested funds of $1.13 billion as of March 31, 2024.”

In a message to the community about “responsible investments at SFU,” Johnson and Angie Lamarsh, Board Chair, wrote that “SFU needs to make investment decisions that are aligned with the academic mission, the University Act, and our values. To do this, the existing Responsible Investment Policy must be reviewed and strengthened.” 

The Responsible Investment Policy “sets out SFU’s approach to incorporating environmental, social, and corporate governance considerations into its investment decisions.” SFU stated this review process will “contain a plan for community consultation” and will “allow for a consultative and transparent process.” 

The Peak corresponded with SFU F4P for more information on SFU’s decision to discuss divestment. Members chose to remain anonymous. 

SFU F4P stated SFU’s framing of the genocide as the “Israel-Hamas conflict” was concerning. “It has been clear for months that the central dynamic since October 7, to say nothing of decades of occupation, has been one of genocide and ethnic cleansing,” said SFU F4P. They cited “institutional neutrality,” which suggests that institutions should be neutral on political issues, showing SFU is an “accomplice in whitewashing an unfolding genocide that was acknowledged months ago by the International Court of Justice.” 

Since October 7, Israeli attacks against Palestinians have led to the deaths of at least 37,232 people and wounded 78,000 at the time of writing. Israeli attacks did not begin in October 2023, but have a long history dating back to the creation of Israel in 1948, when Palestinians were violently expelled from their homeland. This is also known as The Nakba, and was recently recognized by the United Nations. They condemned “Israel’s ongoing actions” between 1948–2024, “including occupation and dispossession of Palestinian property” as well as “brutal and disproportionate use of force.” 

Currently, the distribution of food in Rafah has been suspended and medical supplies are limited since Israel took over “the Palestinian side of the Rafah land” in early May. 

“The more they dig in their heels, the more we will push.” — SFU Faculty for Palestine

On May 17, faculty casted an online vote on Boycott, Divestment, Sanction (BDS) motions — a “Motion on Israel/Palestine” and a “Motion to Divest from Corporations Engaged in Military Arms Production.” If both were passed, SFU would formally commit to boycotting, divesting from, and sanctioning these companies. The morning of the vote, the BDS vote was allegedly hacked from 7:308:00 a.m., in which “305 identical votes were cast from a single IP address,” making the vote “unreliable,” according to SFU F4P. On their Instagram, SFU F4P stated that the Faculty Association of SFU claimed this matter is under investigation by University IT and Security. The Peak could not independently verify this. 

SFU F4P later stated, “It is unacceptable that there has been no acknowledgement from the SFU administration” regarding the hack, as it “constitutes serious interference in university affairs and faculty governance.” They demand “transparency and accountability” in the form of a formal investigation into the matter.

A re-vote was held on June 7, in which the two BDS motions were passed. SFU F4P stated that “divestment efforts have a cumulative effect, and the university has a moral obligation to abstain from investing in and profiting from military arms production.” On May 20, Ontario Tech University became the first university in Canada to divest from companies supplying military arms to Israel. 

“We are not just hopeful, we are determined to make this happen,” said SFU F4P. “The more they dig in their heels, the more we will push.”

The group of faculty asked SFU, “Do our investments in the military arms industry align with our values as a university?” 

This is a developing story that The Peak will continue to cover in future issues.

Inter Miami tells Whitecaps fans to grow up

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The back of an Argentina Messi home jersey
PHOTO: 磊 周 / Unsplash

By: Kristina Ronalda, Florida Woman

To the fans in Vancouver,

We are deeply sorry for the hurt feelings and wallets of all the fans who anxiously awaited the arrival of the world’s best footballer, just to be met with disappointment. We have heard fans north of the border speak of some Canadian player who is truly the GOAT, but we have been unable to find Christian Sink Lair in our records.

Let’s be serious here. Did you really think a World Cup Champion would willingly play on turf? After taking such a long sixhour flight? No way! Sorry, not sorry, to all the kids wanting to see their “hero.We hope the 50% off food helped dry your tears. Your parents spent $1,000 on Whitecaps tickets instead of our youth tournament entry fee, where Messi, Suarez, and Busquets actually were? Skill issue. 

You moose-riding, maple-syrup-drinking, snow-dwelling Canadians have no idea what proper football is. All you know is that ice sport “hockey” — which is much less beautiful than football. 

Edited: Our public relations team has since informed us that there is a hockey team near Miami. And, fun fact, they got further in the playoffs than Vancouver’s team! Who knew? Go Panthers, I guess.

You aren’t aware of our customshow dare you ridicule our tradition of coming out late to start the second half. We need extra time to strategize how to get as many yellow cards as possible. And how dare you fans call our team disrespectful for stepping on your plain white jersey. It’s your own club’s fault for having a kit that doesn’t stand out! Add some pink!

The match officials may not have been in our favour — even giving our coaching staff a red cardbut at least it wasn’t a sixgame suspension like your coach received last year. Yet another thing Miami does better than you.

Vancouver, you can point fingers, but don’t point them our way! The league’s rigid schedule left us no choice but to earn more money at our home stadium rather than send our superstar to make a single appearance across the continent. It’s for the betterment of football as a whole — not that you Canadians would care about that. Can you even play football in all that snow?

Edit again: We have since seen the video of Canadian international and Vancouver Whitecap Sam Adekugbe using the snow in a goal celebration. Maybe some snow here would’ve helped your team in this result!

We in Miami can’t risk the investment we’ve made in the aging Argentinian superstar. It’s better for everyone in the league if he stays uninjured — and is totally not related to the cut he receives from the MLS’ lucrative AppleTV+ deal

Also, why aren’t Whitecaps fans thanking us for keeping Suarez back in Florida? It saves your “star” players from being bitten by Messi’s righthand man. Your club may have stated that you “have no control over who plays for our opponent,” and honestly, you Canucks lucked out in this one.

While this missed match may leave a bad taste in the mouth for some — assuming you were taking advantage of the aforementioned discounted stadium food — it was all for the betterment of the sport. Go complain to the league for better scheduling. They’ll be so distracted counting their Messi bonuses they might make us play a second-ever match against each other. 

Hope your next 50 years are as unremarkable as your first 50. We wish you the best from our perch at the top of the standings.

Sincerely “sorry,”

Inter Miami <3

An SFU background extra tell-all

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People playing table tennis in the convocation mall, sweating nervously. Joy Johnson is hiding behind a concrete pillar to the right, holding a megaphone and saying, “Look engaged people!”
ILLUSTRATION: Angelina Tran / The Peak

By: Petra Chase, Editor-in-Chief

SFU students have been observing a strange phenomenon across campuses — more and more common areas filled with students just hanging out. 

At first, The Peak assumed it was some conspiracy. But the tips have been impossible to ignore — eyewitness accounts swearing SFU hires background actors on campus have been flooding our inboxes.

“I walked by a student tour one day, as the guide was giving them this speech about how student life here is unmatched,” one anonymous student wrote. “All those fresh faces with dreams and preconceived notions of university based on what they see in movies, like Monsters University.

“Then I got to Convocation Mall, and it was packed with students enjoying themselves and socializing. People were lining up to play corn hole. Table tennis balls were bouncing between laughing faces. I’d never seen anything like it.

“All of a sudden, I heard a voice from behind a pillar saying, ‘Get back to your places!’ and everyone froze in strange positions. One group huddled together looking at an upside down textbook. When the student tour approached, the voice yelled, ‘ACTION!’ and everyone was in motion. People were giving each other noogies as they roasted marshmallows and mouthed words to each other.”

Another student wrote to The Peak about what they saw when they stumbled into a tent in the Blusson parking lot. “Racks with nothing but SFU hoodies, backpacks full of stuffing paper, and a line of people who looked like regular students sitting to get their hair and makeup done. Someone with short blonde hair and a bushy mustache was saying, ‘Give them dark circles but not too dark — we want to be realistic, but still make them look engaged.’”

The Peak was also approached by Cornelius Cucumber (this is a name we have created to shield them from retribution). Cucumber claims to be a professional background actor hired by SFU in 2022 after he did background work on Nickelback’s “San Quentin” music video, famously shot at Convocation Mall.

“President Joy Johnson was scouting for actors that day, wearing her usual disguise (Fuzzy Puzz Mustache Glasses from Party City). She approached me after filming and complimented my ability to look engaged with such young people hipster music,” Cucumber said. “Her words.”

Johnson told Cucumber they were looking to hire full-time extras to look like “regular university students who love SFU.” He signed a contract for full-time work, which stated he could not disclose that SFU was hiring background actors.

Cucumber’s role since then has been as a whistleblower in the AQ — blowing his whistle when the foosball ball goes out of bounds. “It’s been quite repetitive, and after two years, I don’t feel like I’m learning much that will help advance my career, and there aren’t many foosball referee roles out there.”

Cucumber says you might recognize him for his roles in such films as Oompa Loompa #48 in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (1971) — a role he got to reprise in Glasgow earlier this year — and Chipmunks Fan #2 in Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015).  

When The Peak asked Cucumber if SFU’s recent budget cuts and layoffs have impacted the background extras, he said there have been zero layoffs among the extra crew. They’ve actually been working more hours and given more dialogue, such as, “We sure do pay a fair tuition here at SFU, no cap!” and, “This is certainly an institution that puts people above profits, dawg!”

“SFU cut their football program, but hired more ‘football jock’ roles,” Cucumber explained. More recently, SFU shut down its Woodward’s Cultural Programming, but the SFU extra casting director has allegedly been told to represent more arts and theatre students to make SFU appear like it “cares about the arts.”

“They want me to be a whistleblower — I’ll show them whistleblower!” Cucumber attempted an evil villain laugh as he walked away, and we never saw him again.