SPOOF: SFU’s Firsts and Lasts of 2016

By

Peak Web

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January 9, 2017

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Firsts

March 13 – First time president Petter emerged from his office after five months of hibernation

April 21 – First time the Highland Pub shockingly announced they were running a deficit

June 3 – First time an SFSS president had to resign due to not being a registered student

July 6 – First time Pokémon had the chance to earn SFU degrees

August 4 – First time we had real and accessible frozen yogurt via Menchies (inb4 Yeti Yogurt because fuck that place)

September 1 – First time the Tim Hortons at West Mall decided to go with a modern one-line ordering system

December 18 – First time people realized that having a university on top of a mountain may have been a bad idea

Lasts

January 10 – Last time inviting someone for “avocado and chill” on campus was innocent

April 21 – Last time any of us had to subject ourselves to the Highland Pub

June 30 – Last time we had to hear the ridiculous idea of a gondola going up Burnaby mountain

August 31 – Last time there was any hope of a stadium on SFU’s Burnaby campus

October 7 – Last time an SFU student was able to say their grad class was from the shittiest year ever

November 21 – Last time we had to hear about how much Darien hates Build SFU

December 19 – Last time a blood ritual was performed to summon the 135 at its scheduled time

SPOOF: The Mascot of the Year

By

EIC

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January 9, 2017

0

It’s midday on Burnaby Mountain and the air is thin and frosty. With the exam period over and the new semester still weeks away, few of the university’s nearly 30,000 students remain on campus, with most students in residence having gone home for the holidays. The quiet is only broken by the occasional howls and pants of SFU’s beloved mascot, McFogg the Dog.

Inhabiting the offices of SFU’s athletics department, McFogg remains on campus throughout the dead of winter, waiting to serve the school once again when varsity sports return after the holiday break.

By all measures, 2016 was McFogg’s year. In a tumultuous and often hopeless time in human history — one characterised by war, political turmoil, and the always encroaching spectre of death — our mascot has been a shining beacon of light, filling students’ hearts with a much-needed sense of joy and camaraderie.

The laundry list of accomplishments for McFogg this past year is, to say the least, impressive. McFogg competed in the Olympics held in Rio, Brazil, earning gold medals in cheerleading and personal grooming. He led protests against the election of Donald Trump in the United States and police violence against Sioux peoples at Standing Rock. His meeting with Prime Minister Justin Trudeau made headlines for months and resulted in McFogg becoming a member of the Order of Canada.

This was also the year McFogg released his New York Times bestselling memoir My Tartan Heart, which is slated to be made into a feature film by Steven Spielberg in 2017 with Chris Pratt in the starring role.

McFogg also had his fair share of run-ins with fellow college mascots, including a much-publicized feud with Albert E. Gator from the University of Florida as well as ongoing competition with his long-time rival, UBC’s the Thunderbird. All of this coincided with a whirlwind romance with film star Scarlett Johansson, which ultimately ended with McFogg being forced to put his career before his heart.

McFogg sat down with PEAK and in this exclusive interview we got his views on the big questions, and learnt more about the most outstanding mascot in a generation.

Growing up in a small, one-story dog house not far from Burnaby Mountain, McFogg never thought he would one day become the mascot who changed the way the world cheers for collegiate sports. In the late ‘80s, his parents left Scotland with nothing but the fur on their backs to try and build a better life for McFogg. His humble background, and at times trying family situation, helped shape the fierce Scottish terrier we see before us today.

“Growing up, my mother used to say to me that ‘the good dog always barks twice’, but I wanted to know what happens when the dog barks three times, or even four,” McFogg says. “As a pup, I wanted to know how far I could push the bone.”

Today, McFogg is met with a very different life circumstance. A series of accomplishments and a growing fanbase has helped McFogg establish a network for him to keep the success going. “I think what defined my 2016 was the non-profit I established. ‘Go Fetch’ is less than one year old, but the organization is already helping pups in urban areas get the tools they need to be successful in whatever career path they choose, be it in mascoting, acting, or medicine.”

With his new foundation, McFogg is hoping that all doggos out there feel they can reach for the stars.

“The life of a university mascot always spoke to me. The road trips, the walking, the jumping up and down. . . I never thought I would be here today, though. I never thought me, McFogg, could be the good dog,” he adds. He points to well known mascots like the A&W Bear and the Kool Aid guy as some of his early inspiration.

It’s every mascots dream to pick McFogg’s brain on what makes a great mascot. As he describes it, an excellent mascot is someone who forgets that they are a mascot at all. “The creative process is so simple, it ends up being extremely complex,” McFogg explains.

“I think what makes me a good mascot is that when I get in front of a crowd, I can’t remember why I’m there or even who I am sometimes. . . I just want to make folks smile and see a victory for the SFU Clan.

“Being a mascot is a social life as well as a professional one,” McFogg notes. There are frequent large gatherings of mascots, both from collegiate sports and from the corporate sphere. “The Pillsbury Doughboy is the life of the party. That guy gets lit,” he adds.

When asked about some of the controversy currently plaguing SFU athletics, as well as some of the hot losing streaks, McFogg declined to comment, adding that “ [he] isn’t here to get political, just wag his tail and cheer for his team.”

However, McFogg did add that “it’s total garbage” to get students to vote yes for a stadium and student union building only to demolish the dreams for a new athletic facility so soon after the special general meeting.

“I love SFU,” McFogg reflects. “I couldn’t leave no matter how much money other schools offer me.” Looking forward McFogg is hoping to find someone to start building a family life with, “I’ve been so focused on who’s throwing the ball, I forgot to find someone to just hold my heart.

“I want all aspiring mascots out there to know that you have what it takes and it will be hard but in you, deep down, you’ll find the energy to cheer loud and keep the wave happening in the crowd for hours. Just go for it”.

NFL Blitz with Jason Romisher: Wild Card Edition

By

EIC

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January 7, 2017

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14273720157_1046d4b597_b — Odell Beckham Jr. is poised to have a big game this weekend against a shaky Packers secondary.

2016 will be remembered as the year of the rookie quarterbacks (QBs). The Rams, Eagles, Cowboys, Patriots, Bills, Browns (2), and Raiders all employed rookie QBs at one point or another this season. For the Raiders, their rookie, Connor Cook, will make history this Saturday as the first quarterback to have his first start be in a playoff game. The National Football League (NFL) in recent years has become a quarterback driven league.

With the exception of the Broncos (2015) and Ravens (2000), every team that has won the Super Bowl has had an elite or very capable starting quarterback. As such, the heavy favourites in the AFC are the Patriots and Steelers with Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger. Brady and Big Ben have six Super Bowl titles and nine Super Bowl appearances between them. Oakland, Houston, and Miami have backup quarterbacks forced into action due to injuries, and Kansas City is helmed by the capable if unspectacular Alex Smith.

The National Football Conference is a different story. Green Bay (Aaron Rodgers), New York (Eli Manning), and Seattle (Russell Wilson) all have Super Bowl winning quarterbacks. The other QBs are all legit talents such as Atlanta’s Matt Ryan whose outstanding season may garner him the MVP award; Detroit’s former first overall pick, Matthew Stafford, who has a 5000-yard passing season to his credit; and the great unknown, Dallas’ Dak Prescott, the rookie phenomenon who led the Cowboys to a sterling 13–3 record. Hopefully this will be a “wild” wild card weekend.

Oakland (12–4) @ Houston (9–7) Saturday 1:35 p.m.

Houston has the privilege of hosting the Raiders despite their record because they won the American Football Conference (AFC) South, which was by far the worst division in football this year. Led by Jadeveon Clowney, the Texans’ defence played very well as a unit this year despite losing former NFL defensive MVP JJ Watt to a season ending injury. The Texans also have a good running back in Lamar Miller, and one of the best receivers in football in DeAndre Hopkins. They also went out in the draft and grabbed a major speed threat to complement Hopkins in Will Fuller. Despite these weapons, the Texans sported one of the worst offences in the league. This was due in large part to the poor play of free agent signee Brock Osweiler. Osweiler got a big time contract after playing decent football last season for the Broncos. However, late in the season he lost his job to backup Tom Savage. Savage suffered an injury last week which thrusted Osweiler back into the spotlight.

The Raiders meanwhile, are underdogs in this game since injuries to starter Derek Carr and backup Mitch McGloin have left them relegated to playing third string rookie Connor Cook. The Raiders have a good offensive line, an explosive running back in Latavius Murray, and two 1000-yard receivers in Michael Crabtree and Amari Cooper. They also have one of the best pass rushers in the league in Khalil Mack. Cook played well last week in limited time against the Broncos, who still sport an elite defensive unit. He also was praised prior to the draft by former Raiders coach and quarterback guru Jon Gruden as the best quarterback in this year’s crop. Cook fell to the fourth round despite many draft experts thinking he was the most pro-ready quarterback. Cook was a three-year starter at Michigan State and played in several big time games during his college career. The Raiders are far and away a better team than the Texans, and Cook will make enough plays to get them the win and the road “upset.”

Prediction: Raiders 24 Texans 16

Detroit (9–7) at Seattle (10–5–1) Saturday 5:15 p.m.

The Lions limped into the playoffs with a three-game losing streak and made it only because Washington blew it and lost to the Giants last week. Detroit is a mediocre team that won the majority of their games in close fashion by overcoming fourth quarter deficits. They have a good defence, which is not great, and an offence which is devoid of big time playmakers. They are also going to one of the hardest places to play in all of football.

Seattle is undefeated in the playoffs at CenturyLink field and is a squad with a tremendous amount of post-season experience. Since 2013, Seattle has the most playoff wins in the NFL. The team still has a good defence which fell back a bit this season from elite status and is missing injured safety Earl Thomas. Offensively, their patchwork offensive line did not play consistently this year and the team has really suffered from the retirement of Marshawn Lynch. Russell Wilson is a special talent though, and will get the ball to his playmakers. Look for a big game from receiver Doug Baldwin and a double-digit win by the Seahawks in what should be a lopsided game. The Seahawks also signed Devin Hester this week to return kicks. Hester is one of the most prolific punt and kick returners in NFL history and will hopefully have some magic left for Seahawks fans.

Prediction: Seahawks 30 Lions 18

Miami (10–6) at Pittsburgh (11–5) Sunday 10:05 a.m.

The overwhelming consensus is that the Steelers are the only team in the AFC capable of beating New England and as such they should dominate the Dolphins in this matchup. The Steelers have reeled off seven straight wins and will have star running back Le’Veon Bell healthy for the playoffs for the first time in his career. With All-Pro wide receiver Antonio Brown and with quarterback Ben Roethlisberger starting his 18th playoff game, the Steelers have an edge in both skill and experience.

The key sticking point to this sentiment is that the Dolphins crushed the Steelers 30–15 earlier in the season in a game which saw their running back Jay Ajayi sprint to one of his three 200-yard games this season. They also sport a fierce pass rush led by former BC Lion, Cameron Wake, and league bad boy Ndamukong Suh. The Dolphins are quarterbacked by a capable backup in Matt Moore who played well down the stretch, but will be making just his first career playoff start. One key factor is that the warm weather Dolphins will be travelling to Pittsburgh in the dead of winter where temperatures are expected to be -13 degrees Celsius with the windchill; advantage Steelers. The Dolphins have demonstrated that they have the team to beat Pittsburgh, but not on this day.

Prediction: Steelers 28 Dolphins 13

Game of the Week and Upset Special

New York Giants (11–5) at Green Bay (10–6) Sunday 1:40 p.m.

The football gods have brought the world a trilogy between these two storied franchises. In both the 2007 and 2011 seasons, the Giants went to Lambeau as underdogs and pulled off the victory en route to their two most recent Super Bowl titles. The 2007 season was the last in Green Bay for Brett Favre, and the 2011 season saw the Packers get thumped 37–20 despite a 15–1 record and being the consensus Super Bowl favourites.

Once again the Packers are favoured at home against the one team they did not want to play. The Packers looked in trouble of missing the playoffs after a lackluster 4–6 start to the season. Quarterback Aaron Rodgers confidently boasted that his team could “run the table” which they promptly did. Rodgers has been outstanding during this stretch with 15 touchdown passes and zero interceptions. His top receivers, Jordy Nelson and Davante Adams, have also played very well of late. The Packers have converted wide receiver, Ty Montgomery, into their new running back after injuries to Eddie Lacy and James Starks. Montgomery is an x factor due to his ability to catch the ball out of the backfield.

The Giants meanwhile, like their past two Super Bowl teams, are built on defence. This year’s edition is led by pass rusher Olivier Vernon and a pass defence which yielded a whopping 17 interceptions. On offence, they will need a great performance from Eli Manning who has the ability to shine, but also make critical errors. Manning does have one of the best receivers in football in Odell Beckham Jr. who will undoubtedly be heard from in this game one way or another. The Packers have a shaky pass defence and that is not the way to win in January. The third time will not be the charm for the Packers as their nemesis knocks them off to the dismay of the Lambeau faithful.

Prediction: Giants 27 Packers 26

SFU releases sexual violence policy draft for feedback

By

EIC

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January 6, 2017

4

On Wednesday, January 4, SFU released a draft of its sexual violence policy for feedback. All post-secondary institutions across BC will be required to implement a final version of these policies by May 2017.

The Peak spoke with former VP academic and provost, Jonathan Driver, and Advisory Committee member and graduate student, Charis Lippett, about the new draft policy and the process that was necessary to create it.

Driver stressed that many groups throughout the SFU community had been involved in providing insight into the policy, including both a working group and advisory group along with advice from universities across Canada.

Lippett, who advised the working group draft the new policy, explained that “this policy addresses sexual violence on campus that has been a cultural epidemic of late. . . [it] directly addresses not only where the university stands on sexual violence and zero tolerance policy for sexual violence, it also outlines the rights and responsibilities of every SFU community member that is involved” in cases of sexual misconduct on campus.

In the policy the word “sexual misconduct” is used as an umbrella term and is defined under item 3.6 as a term that:

“encompasses a broad range of sexual behaviour, whether physical or psychological, that is committed, threatened or attempted against a person without the person’s consent. It varies in severity and takes many forms, including but not limited to: sexual assault, sexual exploitation, sexual harassment, stalking, indecent exposure, voyeurism, and the distribution of sexually explicit photographs or videos of a person without their consent and with intent to cause distress. Sexual Misconduct is used in this policy as a synonym for Sexual Violence.”

Lippett stressed how important it was to ensure that both gender-inclusive and sex positive language was implemented into the policy. Indeed, the draft document outlines its intentions in its preamble and defines who is part of the SFU community — more specifically, students, both undergraduate and graduate, employees of the university, sexual misconduct survivors, and respondents.

Breaking down the draft policy:

The Central Resource Office

The draft policy explains that the process through which a survivor may file a report of sexual misconduct will be done through one central office. Dr. Jonathan Driver hopes that this will “minimize the amount of times that a survivor would have to repeat their story” to the university. In order to reduce the stress that may be placed on a survivor, the policy describes a new Central Resource Office that will be the one place that the SFU community can go to file reports of sexual misconduct, where an investigation may take place accordingly.

Driver explained that the university “ha[s] a lot of people who provide assistance and support to students already” including “campus security, health and counselling, the people in residence, and one of the roles of the Central Resource Office will be to make sure that everybody is coordinated and everyone is on the same page” in regards to ensuring that sexual misconduct is adequately addressed.

Driver further stressed the importance of language and names used in creating this central office for the SFU community. While the name of the resource centre is intended to be obvious to the SFU community, both Driver and Lippett explained the triggers that may occur in directly labelling a resource centre as a “sexual violence centre.”

It is something that both of them hope the next month’s input from all members of the SFU community will aide in providing possible suggestions of names for this office along with any other concerns over the policy.

Creating a consent culture through education and training

Lippett described the new draft policy as “a great description for change, but it’s going to take all of us to step in and to create a consent culture at SFU.”

Throughout the policy an intention to provide education and training to inform the SFU community is illustrated in its call “to provide and strongly encourage training for all members of the University Community to reduce and prevent Sexual Misconduct and respond appropriately to the needs identified by survivors.” In section 5, the role of education is addressed, including an annual education plan for the university community:

“[. . .] that may include a combination of campaigns, on-line and in-person training sessions, workshops, print and on-line [sic] resources, programs and other events on a range of topics related to: a. reducing, preventing and responding to Sexual Misconduct; and b. providing support for survivors and other members of the University Community who have been impacted by Sexual Misconduct.”

Driver explained that the Central Resource Office will work with many groups across campus to “ensure that information about preventing and responding to sexual misconduct is embedded in a whole variety of things.” He used examples of educating the community in various locations including during student orientation, new orientations for employees, or in student residences.

Lippett added that the process of developing this policy always “focused back on having a trauma- informed, survivor-focused, intersectional policy.”

After a report has been filed, what happens?

Survivors have the option to file a report with the Central Resource Office in order to begin an investigation, depending on the nature of sexual misconduct (section 7.5). If a report is filed and the investigation leads to disciplinary action against the perpetrator, Driver explained that “The survivor will not necessarily have all of the details of the complete outcome of an investigation because we are required to also protect the privacy of a perpetrator as well, and so therefore, some aspects of this may be considered private and confidential information”.

At any point, if such restrictions are ignored or violated the survivor will be able to get in contact with their officer in charge of the case. However, the survivor will not be able to directly appeal the outcome of disciplinary action.

What happens when someone outside the SFU community offends on campus?

The draft policy covers the resources available and process that will occur in the event of sexual misconduct between two members of the SFU community. As mentioned previously by The Peak, however, if a member of the SFU community has faced sexual misconduct on campus by someone outside the university, the ability for SFU to intervene falls out of its jurisdiction and the process of filing a report falls beyond the university.

However, Driver added that SFU “ha[s] policies that allow us to ban people from campus; we can get court orders and things like this to ban people off campus.” He explains that if this situation was to occur “we would obviously do our best to work with other organizations to ensure that the person responsible was held to account and we could certainly prevent them from coming on campus.”

Now what?

“It would be foolish to say, a policy has been published so now we can sit back, because everything is done. It’s not. Everyone needs to take responsibility to create a consent culture” said Lippett and thanked all those who have commented, suggested, and informed the advisory committee so far.

Now, the policy is available to be reviewed and provide input. Both Driver and Lippett underscored the importance of providing feedback on the draft policy, either through the Town Hall meetings on January 17 and January 18 (students only), or online through the sexual violence policy website.

To read the whole policy click here.

Driver explained that while the draft policy is being finalised and will be presented at the Board of Governors meeting in March, it is important that the community knows there are still resources, other policies, and support for those affected by sexual misconduct.

Options at SFU to seek assistance or report sexual misconduct:

Campus Security: 778-782-4500
Personal Security: 778-782-8473 or [email protected]
Health and Counselling Services: 778-782-4615
Police: 911
SFSS Women’s Centre: 778-782-3670
Out On Campus: 778-782-5933
SFU Employee and Family Assistance Program: 1-800-663-1142
Women Against Violence Against Women (WAVAW)
24-hour crisis line: 604-255-6344
Toll free: 1-877-392-7583

Men’s basketball’s offence shut down by Alaska Anchorage in 77–47 loss

By

EIC

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January 6, 2017

0

sfubball-december29th-60 — Othniel Spence (#0) had another standout performance, finishing with 16 points in 24 minutes of action.

Nearly a week removed from a close 103–98 loss to the nationally ranked Western Washington, their best offensive output of the season, the SFU men’s basketball team had reason to be optimistic. This is a team that can compete.

But that was not the case Thursday night, as the Clan fell 77–47 to the University of Alaska Anchorage Seawolves in the West Gym. It was pretty much the exact opposite of last Friday’s game.

SFU followed a nearly triple-digit offensive output with their lowest scoring game since November 2, 2012, when they put up 36 points — but that was an exhibition game against a Division I team. In their time in the National Collegiate Athletic Association, they’ve only shot less than 50 points four times, and two of those were in games against Division I teams. As it stands, 47 points is their second-lowest total they’ve ever put up since joining Division II — and their worst against Division II competition.

“Western [Washington] was not as strong defensively as Montana and Anchorage, that’s for sure,” said head coach Steve Hanson.

He does have a point. Western Washington, despite leading the Great Northwest Athletic Conference (GNAC), is ranked ninth in scoring defence — in other words, how many points they allow in a game — out of 11 teams.

On the other hand, Alaska Anchorage leads the GNAC in scoring defence. By a wide margin, too. Going into the game, they were only allowing 61.1 points per game (now only 60). The next best team is at 70.2 points per game.

Although 47 points is a historically bad performance, it is against a team that is in a league of their own in defence. This is the third consecutive game that Alaska Anchorage has held a team to less than 50 points. And they’re not just skilled in context to the GNAC — they’re third in the entire Division II.

They’re also the top rebounding team in the conference. They have the best free thrower — Spencer Svejcar — who went seven for eight, and had 31 points. Though their record may not yet say so, Alaska Anchorage is probably the best team in the conference.

“There was just some stretches where we let it get away, and offensively, we’ve just got to be a little bit more solid in our principles”

Still, a 47 point effort is a tough one to swallow.

SFU couldn’t manage a point until 3:42 in, when Izaiah Sherman-Newsome put up a three on the board. By then, Alaska Anchorage had already put up eight points.

The Seawolves looked like they were going to run away with the game early, as they had built up a 20–6 lead, and SFU had gone nearly three minutes without a point.

However, an impressive layup by freshman Othniel Spence, with little time on the shot clock, ignited a 10–1 run in less than two minutes that put SFU within only five points of the lead.

The illusion of a close game did not last long though, as the Clan were only able to put up six more points in the remaining 8:52 of the half, dropping the half 39–22.

“There was just some stretches where we let it get away, and offensively, we’ve just got to be a little bit more solid in our principles,” said Hanson. “There was some times where we had a chance to attack offensively and we missed some shots and confidence kicks in, and we started passing up stuff we normally take.”

The second half, SFU put up a slightly better offensive effort, putting up 27 points. There were long stretches without scoring from either team, including a nearly two minute stretch around the five minute mark of the second half.

Michael Provenzano, who has been a consistent offensive presence all year, was held to only six points. Kedar Wright and Izaiah Sherman-Newsome put up 10.

The lone bright spot of the game was freshman Othniel Spence’s performance. Recently, his play has been noticeable, and the coach is noticing too, giving him more minutes. Tonight he put up a career high 16 points and 24 minutes.

“With Othniel, we tried him a lot at the point, because he played the one-two in high school and I think being the off-guard is a little more where he needs to be,” said Hanson. “When he can just play with his instincts, he’s a lot better, doesn’t have to worry about leading the team — that’s tough to do as a freshman. So we just let him play with his instincts and he brings a lot of positive energy for us.”

A player in his first year out of high school, Spence is certainly a player to watch.

Bowen Bakken and Bongani Moyo were dressed, but did not receive any minutes Thursday night. Aleks Vranjes was not dressed for play.

SATURDAY: SFU will conclude a four-game homestand against the other Alaskan team — the Alaska Fairbanks Nanooks.

The Nanooks are another strong defensive team, allowing the third-least amount of points per game in the conference with 72.2.

“They’re going to zone us a lot, so we’ve just got to get back to the gym, we’ve got to shoot the ball. When you’re not feeling it from the three-point line, there’s only one way to do it — get back in the gym,” said Hanson, after yesterday’s game. “Shooters gotta shoot and that’s what we told our guys and we’re going to get back at it tomorrow and get better.”

The Nanooks, however, are in the midst of a three game losing streak and are the eighth ranked offence in the conference. This game should be more competitive.

Tipoff is at 7 p.m. in the West Gym.

Intro to Contributing

By

Peak Web

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January 6, 2017

0

Read The Peak? Want to contribute? We answer some questions you might have.

Special thanks to Janis McMath and Sidney Adache

Hot new slang to use in 2017

By

Peak Web

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January 4, 2017

0

Lemon-sucking fuck-face:

Bae is a lazy acronym for lazy lovers who blow their load before you can even start thinking about having an orgasm. You left that premature motherfucker in 2016 for better dick, and you should leave the term bae along with him.

Lemon-sucking fuck-face is a much better term of endearment. The term is longer and it takes more commitment to say, showing your significant other exactly how committed you are to them. Nothing says love like a long, complicated insult involving fruits.

An example of how to use it: “My lemon-sucking fuck-face and I went on a very romantic hike and afterwards we sucked each other’s lemons dry.” Sexual innuendo including lemons is optional, but encouraged.

Pubey:

It’s the new age, people. It’s a pubey age.

2017 is the year where we’ll all finally be cool with our body hair. It’s here, people. We can all accept ourselves for having hair on our ass cracks and nipples, and stop shaming our hair follicles. We all, 100 percent, have pulled a very long and very ungodly hair out of a very sensitive area in our lives, and we’re going to stop lying to ourselves about it. It’s time to accept all of our hair. Brush out your moustache and don’t worry, you look beautiful. Let your hair down, girl — your pubic hair.

It’s going to be a revolutionary year. It’s going to be a pubey year.

I’m going to fuck your Pomeranian fluff-hole

The easiest way to tell someone off. Every time a baby-boomer makes a vaguely racist comment and expects you to laugh along, you can now easily silence them with this verbal punch in their problematic ideology.

And now you may be thinking, “fucking Pomeranian fluff-holes is too crude.” But you’re wrong.
If anything, it isn’t crude enough. This culture of ours has basically perverted everything it can get its tentacles on. We take our dicks out for everything — especially apes. So keep up. It’s the year of the fluff-hole.

Clit

2016 was lit. 2017 is gonna be clit.

The clit is the perfect mascot for a great time. No one has a better time than the clit — the clit is the life of the party, and of the female genitalia.

It’s easy to have a clit time. All you have to do is fight the patriarchy while partying. “Me and my boys are going to go out on the town, not give into the pressure society puts on us to be masculine, and we’re going to just have a great time together. It’s going to be clit, mate!”

Tru-douche

Back in 2016, some of us voted for this pretty boy because for some reason we thought that a boy band member could run our country. Now, with this pipeline full of shit spewing in our faces, we need a word for someone who is a big dickbag to Canada — someone who would punch a beaver in the face and defecate on Canadian hero Avril Lavigne.

Cue tru-douche. This insult is perfect to use against any asshole to attack sweet ol’ Canada.

The term originated in the Baltic Nations, but since that isn’t a place, you saw it here first.

2016’s best comedy specials

By

EIC

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January 4, 2017

0

bo-burnham-youtube — Not only can Bo Burnham make you laugh, he can also sum up how you feel about 2016 and its human counterparts — straight white males with problems — in one look.

Let’s be honest, 2016 was anything but funny. The world is a giant mess and it’s not magically going to get better in the New Year. So let’s look back on when comedians tried to make the best of a really bad situation because maybe that’ll make us all feel better for, like, a millisecond.

Big Fat Quiz of Everything

This is not a stand-up comedy special; this is better. Six guests (usually comedians) compete on this quiz show that is normally aired around Christmas. This year they did three special episodes and, honestly, bless them. While some guests are serious contestants, most have no idea what the fuck is going on. They’re just there to make jokes and it pays off. Stayed tuned for a fun fact about the host, Jimmy Carr, later.

Michael Che – Michael Che Matters

The first time I watched this, I was blown away by how funny Michael Che is. He has great bits for all current events. One of my favourites was about how African Americans’ struggles are constantly forgotten, but we will never forget 9/11 because #AllBuildingsMatter. Another hit is when he starts talking about how Jesus was probably a shitty carpenter. My only complaint was that he joked about wanting Donald Trump as a best friend. Yikes.

Bo Burnham – Make Happy

I may be biased because I saw this special live, but it was awesome. His comedy was insightful and hilarious. My favourite bits were about how terrible stadium country is and a song about Straight White Male problems. While not everyone may be interested in musical, introspective comedy, I would highly recommend this special to anyone.

Ali Wong – Baby Cobra

Not many comedians would film a special at seven months pregnant. Honestly, that might be a good thing, but something about Ali Wong gyrating on the floor made me feel like everything was going to be okay for a while. Her big joke is how she doesn’t want to work anymore and I can 100% get behind that. She will also talk about anything to do with sex. And I mean anything.

Iliza Shlesinger – Confirmed Kills

Iliza’s pretty problematic, but try to power through it. She has some feminist jokes hidden in there. She does a brief bit about the party goblin (fans will already be familiar with this term) and it killed me while simultaneously feeling too real. I also really liked her bit about the ridiculous names we call our grandparents despite how many people they probably killed in the war.

Bonus: Worst Comedy Special of the Year – Jimmy Carr – Funny Business

The only redeeming part of this comedy special was Jimmy’s ridiculous laugh that is both hilarious and makes it impossible for you to take him seriously. His jokes are problematic, and not even funny. Stick to what you know, Carr. We all know your only talent is being the punching bag on Big Fat Quiz of the Year.

The best video games of 2016

By

EIC

-

January 4, 2017

0

the-witness-thekla-inc — There’s no doubt that 2016 was a frustrating year, but with the beautiful world of *The Witness, the puzzle-based game proved to be the best kind of frustrating.*

By all measures, 2016 was a good year for gamers. Much as I would’ve liked to try them all, I didn’t get around to some of my most anticipated games — still, I was able to try out some of the year’s best and brightest, all of which stick out in my memory for one reason or another. These are my favourite titles of the year.

Overwatch became a new obsession. No other game was quite as much of a cultural phenomenon this year, and for good reason. So far I’ve clocked over 200 hours playing all of the game’s 23 heroes, and I plan on adding at least 100 more to that tally. Overwatch wasn’t just my favourite game of the year — it was my favourite cultural artifact, period.

INSIDE made me reconsider what video games could do. Coming from the creators of 2010’s Limbo, INSIDE is best played with absolutely no foreknowledge of its story or mechanics. It’s an immersive and haunting experience that could only have been told through the medium of video games.

Stardew Valley gave Animal Crossing a run for its money. I never really got into farming simulators when I was a kid — my rationale was, why play video games that let you do things that you could do in the real world anyways? Stardew Valley proves how wrong I was, giving players plenty of customization and addictive tasks along with a surprisingly compelling story.

Pokémon Sun and Moon confirmed that the Pokémon series still has a few tricks up its sleeves. By eschewing some of the series’ most consistent tropes and adding several new features such as regional variants and Poké Rides, Sun and Moon breathed new life into the franchise and once again gave me the chance to raise my ‘mons and compete to be the very best, like no one ever was.

The Witness challenged me to think outside the box. Since I was a kid I’ve always loved jigsaw puzzles, so this game had me right at home. Solving the puzzles that make up the world of The Witness was a meditative experience that challenged the way I think and frustrated me to no end.

Skyrim Special Edition reminded me why I fell in love with the original. While this new edition didn’t fix all of the bugs from the original, its new coat of paint and added ability to install mods on PS4 and Xbox One made the world of Skyrim feel fresh and renewed. The original game remains one of the greatest western RPGs ever made, and it was a delight to return for a victory lap.

Hyper Light Drifter made me feel like a fucking superhero. Like The Legend of Zelda on acid, Hyper Light Drifter offers lightning-fast gameplay, a hallucinatory colour pallette, time travel, and a typically mute main character. The game is style meets substance, and it’s pretty fun to boot.

Fire Emblem: Fates built on a sturdy foundation of tactical RPGs. While originally released in Japan in 2015, Fates landed overseas in February, and proved once again that the Fire Emblem is the best in the business. The game has just enough cheesy plot points and tactical challenges to earn two (or three!) separate play-throughs of its roughly 30-hour campaign.