By: Nejdana Houshyar, Staff Writer
Have you ever played a video game and come across background characters who have no real purpose? These characters are called NPCs, or non-playable characters. The citizens in the Grand Theft Auto franchise roam the streets, drive, and have jobs — basically doing the same thing every day. Unproblematic? Yes. But also deeply boring!
And have you ever walked the SFU hallways? Every day, along the wide, prison-like walls, one might see an endless line to Renaissance Coffee, a sea of people flooding the halls, and students on the verge of a breakdown working on assignments (cue the National Geographic theme song). These individuals rule the hallways. They come and go as they please, leaving no real mark. Are you seeing the pattern here?
If you think you fall into the category of an NPC, don’t worry — here’s a step-by-step guide to follow to break free from the simulation. To rid yourself of your NPC status.
Step 1: Dress the part
If you want to catch everyone’s eye, you’re going to have to do it in style. Interesting people don’t wear branded tracksuits or trendy jackets. Here’s an item that will surely have all eyes on you: Heelys (AKA roller shoes, with the wheels on the heels). If you never owned a pair as a kid, because, like my mom, she masked pure hatred for a “concern of safety,” now is your time to shine. Buy a pair, preferably ones that light up as you roll, and cruise down the halls like the shining star that you are. You’ll never be late to class again. And hey, if you want to strut like the fashion icon you will turn into, you can quickly turn them into flats!
Step 2: Be an academic weapon
While the hallways are an endless flood of people apparently “getting to class,” you’ll need to secure a study spot at Chaiiwala to do more important things — like doomscrolling on your phone. As a main character in training, the plan is simple: you have to shove people (bonus points for hair flipping). Not a little nudge, or even a shoulder check — and don’t you dare say excuse me — shove anyone in your way with all your might. Just like how one does in line at Big Way Hot Pot, if they are not down to the floor salivating by the time you walk by, you basically just cemented NPC status for another year. So channel your inner Regina George and get to shoving!
Step 3: Pretend you’re in a musical
If you must continue lining up for Renaissance Coffee like a sheep, I understand; their coffee is truly unbeatable. But the world is your oyster now, and you’ve got to make your presence known . . . so you’re going to sing your heart out. Once in line, sing about how excited you are for your morning coffee, since, like all students, you require a constant caffeine IV to function. Maybe even do a little La La Land jazz dance number and tap dance your way down the line. When you get up to the cashier, order your coffee as if you were Rachel Berry in Glee: belt like your life depends on it and shed a single, perfect tear. Tell her the order is for Jolene. Everyone will stare in awe at your talent and quirkiness.
