By: Maya Barillas Mohan, Staff Writer
“Your freshman orientation week might be the most exciting one of your whole degree,” a SFSS representative declared to the crowd of eager first years. I suspect it’s exciting because the newfound freedom gained on campus obscures how small the campus really is, even though I still find it rather large when I’m late for class. “We have a whole host of activities planned to welcome you. Most excitingly, a bar crawl!”
Exciting indeed. The bar crawl I did way-back-when was just me crawling back to the North Towers after a few too many at the bar. It felt like an imaginary bell had rung as the crowd clamoured away after the announcement. Maybe the meeting room booking ran out. I chased down the earlier representative to ask more questions about this ambitious plan.
“To start, the bar crawl will begin at the dorms.” Naturally. The SFSS representative straightened his tie. “Then, we will walk through the dining commons.” His eyes were animated, as though imagining a glorious marching parade. I primed my first question: “So, it’s like a night out in reverse?” The representative swatted my recorder out of his face. “The council has taken great care to design the optimal route to display all the crown jewels SFU has to offer for student life,” he deadpanned.
Apparently SFU has enough jewels for an engagement ring.
“The first bar on the tour is the stir fry bar in the Maggie Benson Centre,” the representative said. It resembled a miniaturized buffet behind plexiglass. While a delicious mid-study-sesh break, including it on the bar crawl felt like a technicality. Surely, it would only be up from here, I thought.
“We will forge on,” the representative said, walking ahead. “The next bar can be found at Renaissance Coffee: their dessert bars are classic. Their interpretation of the Nanaimo Bar is superb. Pairs very nicely with their drip coffee.” The representative was speaking too quickly for me to interject. Too quickly for me to even realize what he had done to the term bar crawl. It’s a play on words; fitting because the SFSS is always putting on a show (sometimes, quite literally when they use student fees to put on boring music festivals).
After a long, awkward walk in silence, he began again: “Next, those who are above the age of 19 can have a beer in a charming open-air trolley opposite the art gallery. It’s powered by students. Literally.” The representative mimed pedalling and I realized he meant this bar isn’t even a fixed establishment. It’s a pedal pub? Bizarre, but as long as they serve the infamous Dreamboat beer, I’ll be there.
Another short walk away was our famous SFU bar, Biercraft. The indoor dining room was a short crawl away from that charming outdoor bar. They are so close it might even be the same establishment.
“They will participate in a limbo activity with an elegant bar. The twist is that they must crawl.”
— SFSS
“What about those who are under 19?” I asked, almost scared to hear the reply. The representative adjusted his tie once more. “They will participate in a limbo activity with an elegant bar. The twist is that they must crawl.”
The truth that the SFSS doesn’t want you to know is that SFU doesn’t really have a lively bar scene. Actually, we only really have one bar. This reporter believes that this move is a complete lie to the new students . . .
The Peak was unable to recover the rest of this article. We discovered its final draft on Maya’s computer after she disappeared.
