By: Sarah Sorochuk, Peak Associate
We are constantly writing emails as university students. Emails about grades. Emails about assignments. Emails answering questions that could have been answered if you read your frickin’ syllabus or even the SFU subreddit.
The writing of the email is never an issue though, “Hi Professor, I hope you are doing well . . . ” Then comes the dreaded part of the process — the sign off, which leaves us staring blankly at Outlook wondering how words work again. What words go together in what order and everything else that once seemed like common sense. While staring at the flickering text line you are sitting there stumped thinking: How do I end this shit?
Rather than putting in the effort to come up with the perfect consistent sign off, we’ve done the hard work to come up with a list for you. Here are our definitive rankings of Top four sign-offs to consider and use for the next time you need to shoot your professor an email.
#1: Regards, Student Number 1234567890
Very classy. Very original. Nothing says “I am a human being with hope, dreams, and academic aspirations” quite like reducing yourself to a ten-digit number assigned to you by the university computer system. We are not numbers, we have names. However, using these numbers will make professors wonder why you didn’t use your name, subsequently remember humanity, and take mercy upon your soul.
#2: Yours truly, Academic Prisoner
A solid middle ground, I guess. It communicates that you are, in fact, a human that is struggling. With what? Still to be determined fully, but nonetheless a struggling human being. And one with enough humour to avoid sounding like you are actively blaming your professor for your problems, but instead the entirety of the academic institution. Academic Prisoner says: I have suffered, but I remain charming.
#3: XOXO, Study Queen
This one is for those deep in the grindset. You’ve been at the library for six hours, it’s practically your new home and address. You have consumed enough caffeine to see colours and your search history is starting to worry you. You have earned this title and sign-off. And your professor? She’ll admire this ambition.
#4: Please advise me before I make a poor decision. I am currently two seconds away from filling our lecture hall with cicadas
Yes, you heard this one right. Cicadas. You might be wondering — where shall I achieve a quantity of cicadas sufficient to elicit an adverse reaction from my professor (see how fancy I’m talking? I’m getting in the mindset). You don’t have to — you probably can’t even do that. Don’t worry, it’s not about actually doing that, just threaten the concept of cicadas. Your professor will imagine cicadas in their head and will quickly give into your every demand, answer every question, and treat you like a goddess for the rest of the semester. If there’s one thing that professors hate more than anything, it’s hearing a voice louder than their own filling the lecture hall.
