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Listless: Grateful Children

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Mother’s Day is a time of year when we get together to collectively thank our moms for squirting us out like so many waterslides; you’ll now never be able to go on without cringing. It’s this nigh universal appreciation and respect between mother and child that makes it oh-so-satisfying when someone’s momma gets scorched! I’m talking yo momma jokes, son. Specifically, how to insult of the mother of a given major. Day-um.

  • English Lit.

Yo momma’s so fat, she tripped and fell on modernism and it became depressionism.

  • MBB

Yo momma’s so stupid, she thinks the Krebs Cycle is something you can ride.

  • Philosophy

Yo momma’s so dumb, she thinks Descartes is pulled by Dey Horses.

  • Archaeology

Yo momma’s so old, her first period was the Devonian.

  • Political Science

Yo momma’s so dumb, she thinks the Bloc Quebecois is a street downtown

  • Physics

Yo momma’s so fat, she sat on a wave function and collapsed it.

  • Womens’ Studies

Your mother is a fine matriarchal candidate, capable of standing up to any misogynistic ridicule and mockery that juvenile minds can throw at her.

By Gary Lim

Punishments for those caught texting and driving need to be harsher

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By Megan Gibson – Camosun College (CUP)

A lot of drivers have this narcissistic notion that they are the best motorists in the world. It’s as if they believe Jeff Gordon taught them to drive, when in reality most drivers behave as if they’ve ingested Charlie Sheen’s tiger blood.

Worse yet, some of these same people text behind the wheel when the vehicle’s actually in motion. It really ought to be illegal to text and drive. Oh, wait: it is. Well, it’s illegal everywhere in Canada except Nunavut, anyway. There’s even a punishment of sorts: in B.C., it’s a measly fine of $167 and a three-point penalty.

According to the B.C. government, from February 2010 to September 2011, 47,000 drivers were caught with a mobile device in one hand and a steering wheel in the other. Of those caught, 1,300 were texting. Clearly, many drivers still don’t understand the severe impact that texting while driving can have.

In 2010, distracted driving was a contributing factor in 104 collision fatalities in B.C., according to the Canadian Automobile Association (CAA).

More recently, in Quebec, a young woman drove into the back of a truck while texting with her fiance. She’s dead now.

Imagine how awful her fiance feels. Imagine if she had taken more lives than just her own. He’d feel even worse. Sadly, many people who hear this story won’t heed its warning and will continue to text and drive. But people would be less likely to ignore the laws if the fines were heftier. Better still, why not prevent texting while driving from happening in the first place? Car manufacturers could work to create a mobile deactivator that turns off cell phones as soon as the ignition is started.

And that’s what society has come to: drivers need to be treated like children so they will behave and obey the rules. Misbehave and toys start being taken away. Continue to misbehave and privileges will be revoked. Misbehave again, well, there’s a nice 10 by 10 cell where a lengthy ‘time out’ could be served.

SFSS a private, not-for-profit organization

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By Michael McDonell

As students, we need to be aware of what public education means and the role of student organizations within our educational experience and development. We need to carefully define what not-for-profit means. The membership fees we pay to the SFSS keep increasing (along with our tuition rates) every year, with full-time students soon paying even more each semester to fund a student union building & football stadium package that was barely passed through a referendum vote. The SFSS hires students as employees to run many of the services it offers, and different ethics should apply for running ‘enterprises’ in the not-for-profit sector compared to for-profit businesses.

A not-for-profit is a private association run on the basis of member fees, and not subject to the same constitutional and policy requirements as governmental organizations. As an organization, it can have different objectives and practices, shaped more by particular constituencies. It can and should be about fostering community, whereas government associations are primarily about maintaining stability and administrative regularity.

Our Student Society, the SFSS, is a private organization. In section 2.c) of the SFSS Constitution, there is a mandate to provide “public, universally accessible, high quality post-secondary education” to students. This does not mean that the SFSS can fulfill the same functions as a public, taxpayer funded organization. For example, while it can promote SFU athletics by sending its External Relations Officer to speak diplomatically with other universities, it cannot do things like, say, funding football stadiums. That is a university responsibility, requiring provincial allocation of revenue, and should not be decided by the 1,193 students who happened to vote for the flawed Build SFU referendum question. While “private sector” is a wider term than is commonly spoken, the interference in providing public education, which the current proposal encourages, will open the door for other for-profit private organizations to do the same. And the worst part is that even if we wanted to question the SFSS Board on this, and to find out what they mean by “rigorous consultation,” the Build SFU Think Tank was closed down immediately after the narrow vote passed in favour of the referendum question. Yes, the SFSS is a private organization, but it is still supposed to be run democratically.

The SFSS does run a number of ‘enterprises’ on campus, but is obligated to apply very different principles than for-profit businesses. For example, the Highland Pub is a service to students, one which can be a foundation of community life and friendships on campus. It has run an increasing deficit over the last 5 years, which has led some Board members to be sceptical about revitalizing it. Yet, because it is not a business aiming to generate a surplus, it only needs to reduce its deficit to a manageable level and reverse the trend. The lower, renovated section of the Pub could be opened more frequently and other steps relating to menus and marketing could be taken, rather than blaming workers. All of them are students who, as part of Food and Beverage Services, will be negotiating with the SFSS when the current contract expires at the end of the year. Instead of allowing workers to be attacked again like they were during the Summer-Fall 2011 lockout of SFSS staff, I suggest that the three returning SFSS Board members, those newly elected representatives sitting on Forum, and students in general, should hold the society accountable to its not-for-profit mandate.

Applying for-profit methods to a not-for-profit organization does not actually improve things. It undermines the creation of community by treating people and the public as capital. It thus prevents SFU from moving beyond commuter campus status. Other organizations on campus, particularly those in the Rotunda, actively involve students. Yet, the SFSS has been silent about renewing SFPIRG’s lease agreement, and the recent Men’s Centre proposal initially threatened to take half of either the Women’s Centre’s or SFPIRG’s space away. All this while the Forum has been reduced to an advisory body to the board. Are we really creating community?

Petter Watch: May 14th

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Researchers find Tylenol to be gateway to prescription drug addiction

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By Brad McLeod
 

According to a recent study conducted by the University of Arizona, a common household medicine has been conclusively linked to the majority of prescription medication addictions in America.

Tylenol, well known for its ability to temporarily treat minor headaches and pains, has been found to be the starting point for most North American adults suffering with addictions to painkillers such as Oxycodone and Fluoxetine.

In a survey of over one thousand prescription drug addicts, over 99 per cent reported they had started their medication due to some sort of physical or emotional pain. When asked what the first drug they had ever taken for that pain was, over 70 per cent responded that it was Tylenol.

This evidence has been deemed “good enough” for the majority of people who enjoy being outraged about things, and has sparked a small but very loud group to demand Tylenol be taken off the shelves.

“I have kids and I hear all the time about parents who just let their kids take Tylenol when they’re sick, and next thing you know that kid’s using Advil, Benadryl, and before you know it he’s strung out on painkillers,” said one easily-outraged woman protesting outside of a Wal-Mart.

“I just don’t want to have to be worried by my kids being exploited by the fun, colourful Tylenol packages when I send them to buy me cigarettes”, she explained, before blaming the entire situation on Obamacare and the liberal media.

Despite these protests, Tylenol will be staying on the shelves in all major grocery stores, but a spokesman for the company says they will now include a warning, along with a picture of a trailer park, to caution buyers of the dangers of prescription drug abuse.

U-Pass far from universal

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By Benedict Reiners

Proponents of the current U-Pass system have often talked about it as a useful way of introducing students to using transit, and rightfully so. However, if the system is, at least in part, designed to promote transit use amongst students, then there are some significant problems that must be addressed.

The foremost amongst these is that of not offering the U-Pass for the full summer semester to students taking either intersessional or summer session courses. One cannot claim that “the ‘U’ in U-Pass BC stands for ‘Universal’,” as Translink does on their website while continuing to limit the eligibility as such. If Translink is going to continue to claim that the program is truly universal, they must actively endeavor to make the eligibility, as well as the services available, as wide as possible.

However, even more preposterous is that those who take intersessional or summer session courses still pay the same amount for those courses as any other, due to course costs being determined by unit. Yet, despite the fact that they save no money on courses, those taking intersessional or summer session courses do not receive access to the U-Pass for the time that they are away from campus. This shows a blatant failure to recognize that students may be using transit for other purposes, something that is supposedly encouraged by the program.

Not only would this be positive for students, it would also be in Translink’s best interest, as it would bring more riders to their service that they may not have otherwise gained, suggesting that it might be slightly easier to convince them to approve the program if that avenue is followed.

However, although this change in the program would be positive for many students, not all would likely be so receptive. Students are not currently forced to pay for a U-Pass for a month in which they will not receive one, and some would disagree with the imposition of a new fee for a pass that they may or may not use. However, this practice would be in line with giving all students the pass during the fall and spring semesters, regardless of their plans to use it or not. The fact remains that students will need to pay for their transportation one way or another, but this ensures that such costs are as manageable as possible, in addition to encouraging a sustainable choice of transportation.

The practice of only offering a U-Pass for certain months to students is not limited to SFU. This summer, UBC has stopped offering full summer U-Passes for all students except those participating in the co-op program, and has received mixed reviews for doing so. Predictably, those who do not use transit much have been pleased, while those who do use it have been far less receptive to the change. However, one must keep in mind that SFU is generally more of a commuter campus than UBC, and as such, a greater number of students rely on transit regularly, providing a greater incentive for U-Passes spanning the whole summer being given to students in intersessional and summer session courses.

In the end, the question of what to do with the U-Pass program comes down to simply fulfilling claims that have already been made. If they want to keep presenting the program as universal, it’s about time that they actually make sure that it is.

Good Vibrations: How the popular sex toy came to be

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By Ellen Crosby

ANTIGONISH, N.S. (CUP) — Let’s face it: if anything warrants a retelling and celebration of its invention, it’s the vibrator. Rachel P. Maines’s 1999 novel, The Technology of Orgasming, retells the story of its origin. In Victorian England, women who complained of headaches, stoma aches, fatigue, or any other unexplainable symptom were diagnosed with hysteria.

Hysteria — in its literal sense — means disease of the womb. Doctors believed that women with emotional excesses had disturbed uteruses. This alleged disease was said to be affecting about half of the female population.

Luckily, men were able to solve the problem. Doctors found that performing “pelvic massages” on women until they reached orgasm seemed to help.

No kidding.

Before the vibrator was invented, and as early as the beginning of the 16th century, married women who suffered from hysteria were urged to have sex with their husbands. Single women who could not relieve their hysteria via sex were encouraged to take “vigorous” horseback rides.

Maines’s novel was a source of inspiration for Sarah Ruhl’s play In the Next Room (or The Vibrator Play), and for the 2011 movie Hysteria starring Hugh Dancy and Maggie Gyllenhaal. Ruhl’s play was nominated for three Tony Awards in 2010, including best play. It centres on two women who are unhappy with their monotonous sex lives, which have always been focused on their husbands’s pleasure. They are both excited to try out the newly-invented vibrator, and to experience their first orgasms. The final curtain closes on one of the actresses having sex with her husband, but not in their usual missionary position. The couple has discovered woman-on-top sex, and the play ends with Catherine having her first satisfying sexual experience with her husband.

The film Hysteria focuses heavily on the doctors who invented the vibrator and why they did it.

Hugh Dancy plays the young doctor, Mortimer Granville. He takes his career very seriously and insists that the invention, at first called the “feather duster”, has nothing to do with pleasure. Instead, Granville’s objective is to help hysterical women become sane again. Little does he know that his method of curing women’s hysteria is through sexually satisfying them.

The vibrator was originally created to cure a fabricated disease. However, the dismissal of hysteria as a disease does not mean that the vibrator cannot be used for medicinal purposes. In fact, the medical research coming out about the health benefits of experiencing orgasm is increasing in amount each year. Some of the latest research shows that having frequent orgasms can curb your appetite, get rid of headaches and cramps, lower your cholesterol, decrease your risk of heart disease and stroke, protect you against cancer, and boost your immune system.

Of course, there are other benefits that come from using your mechanical friend that are harder to measure, such as enhancing your mood and lifestyle, recharging your romantic relationships, and making you feel more comfortable with and about your body.

Granville may have had a misogynistic and unfounded reason for inventing the vibrator, but we now know that it actually does have some legitimate health benefits.

You are what you eat?: The most bizarre diets

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By Ljudmila Petrovic
Wallis Simpson, a former Duchess of Windsor, once famously said, “You can never be too rich or too thin.” It’s no secret that, in a society where this attitude is constantly plastered across tabloids and magazines, many people go to great lengths to reach a waif-thin figure. Because of this pressure, the tried-and-true idea of eating healthy and exercising moderately to stay healthy has taken a back seat to extreme, often bizarre methods of appetite-suppression.Moreover, appetite suppression has been part of various religious and spiritual passages. Below are some of the most ridiculous diet fads.

FRUITARIANISM

The general idea behind fruitarianism is to not eat anything that has been killed, which includes vegetables that fruitarians believe have been brutally torn from the ground. Because of this belief, fruitarians can only eat fruit that has already fallen from its branch, as well as nuts and seeds. Of course, no animal products of any sort are permitted, and there are variations in the extremity of the diet; for example, some people whose diet consists of 75% fruit still consider themselves fruitarians. Another reason for the diet choice is that, according to Genesis 1:29, “God said: behold I have given you every herb bearing seed upon the earth, and all trees that have in themselves seed of their own kind, to be your meat,” the original human diet thus interpreted as consisting of only fruit. This diet, depending on the level of extremity, either has little or no protein. Furthermore, it can cause deficiencies in many essential vitamins and minerals, including calcium, iron, and most B vitamins.

Famous followers: Gandhi is said to have had a fruitarian diet, but discontinued it at his doctor’s urging. Steve Jobs, too, is thought to have been a follower, which is allegedly where the name of Apple Inc. came from.

BREATHARIANISM/INEDIA

The concept that humans do not need physical food intake for their sustenance, but can rather survive off of the energy from its aura and aroma and, in some cases, the energy from the sun. This is, in its truest form, supposed to be only an effect of a spiritual expansion of consciousness. However, it has since become a major cash market, with the Breatharian Institute of America offering $10,000 workshops led by Wiley Brooks to get people started on the lifestyle (the website specifies “this is not a misprint” under the price). Those that take part in this diet do not eat anything, so it goes without saying that there are more than a few nutritional deficits. In fact, there have been several deaths as a result of this diet. It is extremely dangerous.

Famous followers:. Most of those that have admitted to breatharianism have done so for spiritual and religious reasons. Many spiritual and religious leaders have practiced breatharianism.

SLEEPING BEAUTY DIET

This diet was developed in the 1970s and advocates sedation-induced sleep for days on end. The premise is that if you’re sleeping, you’re not eating. True enough, but it is also true that your metabolism slows down immensely when you’re asleep, and not eating for so long is bound to induce binge eating upon awakening; not to mention that any diet that involves spending days under sedation cannot possibly have a good long-term success rate.

Famous followers: In his bloated days, Elvis Presley was desperate and would occasionally use this method as a weight-loss attempt. Unfortunately, he would wake up after several days and go on a binge. We all saw how that turned

TAPEWORM DIET

Does this even need an explanation? Popular in the 1920s, the idea is that by purposely ingesting a tapeworm, it will eat all the calories that the dieter consumes, leading to extreme weight loss. Needless to say, the parasitic worm also consumes essential nutrients and it is possible that it will act unexpectedly, spreading to unplanned areas of the body. Not surprisingly, selling tapeworms for this purpose is illegal in North America.

Famous followers: According to urban legend, Maria Callas, an opera singer from the 1950s, used this method and lost immense amounts of weight. Callas, however, denied this rumour.

COOKIE DIET

People on the cookie diet can eat all the cookies they want throughout the day, but only one meal: dinner (a small portion of lean meat and vegetables). Sounds like a sweet diet, but the cookies are originator Dr. Siegel’s creations, made with fibrous bran or whole wheat. This diet does not provide a variety of nutrients, and is unlikely to last long due to its repetitive nature.

Famous followers: Guy Ritchie (Madonna’s ex) apparently lost some weight on this diet, but experienced side effects, such as a significant decrease in libido. Madonna wasn’t happy.

BOOZE-ONLY DIET

This concept is pretty self-explanatory. The idea is that by only drinking alcohol wand eating no food, weight loss will occur. However, alcohol is caloric, and taken alone there are significant nutrient deficiencies. This is certainly not a functional diet. A variation of this diet has been on the increase in recent news: what experts call “drunkorexia”, where people — mostly women — limit food in order to compensate for the calories consumed from alcohol.

Famous followers: In an attempt to lose weight, William the Conqueror consumed nothing but alcohol. He did notice a decrease in weight, but his death was also caused by a horse fall, which may or may not be related.

BABY FOOD DIET

The idea here is to replace one or two regular meals with pureed baby food. This diet has recently gained popularity with many celebrities, but not only does it seem unsatisfying, it also doesn’t provide all the nutrients or fiber needed in an adult diet. This food is designed for pre-teething infants, not for full-grown adults that need to perform a number of daily tasks.

Famous followers: This diet is a recent one, so its proponents include current celebrities such as Reese Witherspoon, Lily Allen, and (surprise!) Jennifer Aniston. It’s a fad diet.

CABBAGE SOUP DIET

This has historically been the inevitable diet of the lower classes, but celebrities have been using it to try and shed pounds since the 1950s. It consists of cabbage soup for seven days, with allowances for fruits, vegetables, skim dairy products, tea, and coffee. It’s a bleak week with extremely boring meals, not to mention a lack of nutrients. Side effects include fatigue, irritability, and junk food cravings.

Famous followers: Jaime Pressley and Sarah Michelle Gellar are both fans of this diet and claim it helped them lose weight after having children and in preparation for roles.

FLETCHERIZING

Named after its founder, Horace Fletcher, this early 20th century diet takes all the enjoyment out of a meal: dieters must keep their head leaned forward while chewing their food 32 times. When this is complete, they lean their heads back and all that doesn’t naturally slide down their throats is supposed to be spit out. This diet certainly does not provide enough sustenance for survival and is bland and time-consuming.

Famous followers: Author Henry James, John D. Rockefeller, and John Harvey Kellogg (as in the cereal) were all famous names that followed Fletcher’s diet advice.

 

These diets are bizarre ways to reach an unrealistic goal for body weight. “If you are only eating one food it is impossible to have your nutrient needs met, which can interfere with your everyday tasks such as studying, working, even sleeping,” says Rosie Dhaliwal, an SFU Health Promotion Specialist and blogger for The Dish. “Diets do not work.”