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Researchers find Tylenol to be gateway to prescription drug addiction

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By Brad McLeod
 

According to a recent study conducted by the University of Arizona, a common household medicine has been conclusively linked to the majority of prescription medication addictions in America.

Tylenol, well known for its ability to temporarily treat minor headaches and pains, has been found to be the starting point for most North American adults suffering with addictions to painkillers such as Oxycodone and Fluoxetine.

In a survey of over one thousand prescription drug addicts, over 99 per cent reported they had started their medication due to some sort of physical or emotional pain. When asked what the first drug they had ever taken for that pain was, over 70 per cent responded that it was Tylenol.

This evidence has been deemed “good enough” for the majority of people who enjoy being outraged about things, and has sparked a small but very loud group to demand Tylenol be taken off the shelves.

“I have kids and I hear all the time about parents who just let their kids take Tylenol when they’re sick, and next thing you know that kid’s using Advil, Benadryl, and before you know it he’s strung out on painkillers,” said one easily-outraged woman protesting outside of a Wal-Mart.

“I just don’t want to have to be worried by my kids being exploited by the fun, colourful Tylenol packages when I send them to buy me cigarettes”, she explained, before blaming the entire situation on Obamacare and the liberal media.

Despite these protests, Tylenol will be staying on the shelves in all major grocery stores, but a spokesman for the company says they will now include a warning, along with a picture of a trailer park, to caution buyers of the dangers of prescription drug abuse.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society