After an uncharacteristically silent dinner last Saturday night, SFU president Andrew Petter reportedly waited until bed time before sitting down with the Woodward’s campus to explain the changes that would soon be coming to the extended SFU family.

These new changes being related to the newly constructed Richmond campus.

“Now, Woodward’s, I need to talk to about something really important. No, I’ll get you a glass of water later. Get back in bed, it’s not Legos time. Goldcorp ‘Woodward’s’ Centre for Contemporary Arts! You put that down and get back here!”

Petter then went on to explain how mommy wasn’t just “getting fatter,” and what would be happening in the next few months.

“Yes, you’re going to have to share your students with your new brother or sister, and they’re going to need a lot attention during the first few years, so I might not be able to read you a president’s address every semester. ”

The downtown campus was noticeably distressed by the news, but after swallowing hard, told the president “that they were going to teach the fledgling campus how to ride bikes and do community spirit stuff, and it will so awesome.“

According to sources, afterwards Petter kissed the 130,000 square-foot SFU facility’s forehead and tucked it in.

— Gary Lim

By Gary Lim
Photo by Associated Press

Startling news came out from the American Music Awards last Sunday, when the crowds of screaming teenagers were surprised with an appearance by the five sons of republican nominee Mitt Romney. Although ostensibly there to present the award for artist of the year, they shocked the crowds by announcing that they would be forming their own musical group.

Tagg, Ben, Josh, Matt and Craig Romney, the five adult sons of republican nominee Mitt Romney whose ages range from 31–42  years old, have repeatedly stated that their decision to form the man band was entirely their own, having nothing to do with their father’s presidential aspirations.

The newly formed musical group, named Rom Direction after the first syllable of their shared family name, their choice to take their lives in a new direction, and nothing else, are already slated for several sound out stadium shows and a cross country tour in spring of 2013.

Although the group has adamantly stated that their fledgling musical careers are in no way based on their father’s campaign, leading political analysts have applauded the move on behalf of Romney, stating that it is exactly what Romney needs to bridge the growing gap between him and the growing proportion of youth voters.

The group Rom Direction is currently being managed by Starshow Productions, a private label operated by talent agent Avi Schlocum. He spoke with The Peak on the group’s goals.

“People are sick of the mamby-pamby teenage boy bands.  The Backstreet Boys, N-Sync, One Dir —  Hanson. Fads. Rom Direction, now they have staying power, they’re a band whose records you can pull out in 20 years and not cringe.  People don’t want any more fluff, they want something that the average 30–40-year-old, married, white male with 3–6 kids can relate to. That’s where the boys come along. ”

The siblings, who have collectively fathered 18 grandchildren for their patriarch, have each have adopted their own individual stage names and personas. For example, the eldest Romney son, Taggart, is a bad-boy who plays by his own rules, but wears his heart on his sleeve, while middle child Craig Romney is thoughtful and reserved guy. Second child Ben is a brooding loner, and Josh and Craig wouldn’t be caught dead without their trademark boogie boards.

[pullquote]The siblings, who have collectively fathered 18 grandchildren for their patriarch, have each have adopted their own individual stage names and personas.[/pullquote]

Yet despite their differences, somehow they’re able to make some “very real music that speaks to the human condition,” or so says the tagline of their first rap-soul album, Straight out of Rom-pton.

The Peak sat down with Sasha and Malia, daughters of current US president Barack Obama to get their perspective on the Romney sons’ new musical careers. “Ohmigod! Shut up! You met Rom Direction?  Like all of them? Matty-matt, Craigo, J-man, Benji, notorious T-A-Double G? What were they like? Was J-man wearing the scarf I made for him?” The rest of the 45-minute interview consisted of unitelligible high-pitched squealing.