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Beyond the arc

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WEB-Nayo-Mark Burnham

Nayo Raincock-Ekunwe was a force in all aspects of the game this year

By Jade Richardson
Photos by Mark Burnham

Growing up in Toronto, a young Nayo Raincock-Ekunwe was always the tallest kid in her classes at school. It was her height that led to her picking up basketball in third grade, and her passion and love of the sport has grown ever since.

Now as a senior at Simon Fraser University, the first International school to become a member of the National Collegiate Athletic Association, Raincock-Ekunwe has made a name for herself and her team in the United States and in the basketball world.

In her final season with the SFU Clan, the 6’2” forward has broken two Great Northwest Athletic Conference records and led the Clan women to season-high sixth-place national ranking. At the end of 2012 she broke the conference record for most rebounds in a game with
24 against Trinity Western University and in early 2013 she broke the conference record for career double-doubles with 49, despite only having been in the conference for three years.

With the senior leading her squad, the SFU women advanced to a historic sweet-16 finish in the NCAA National tournament, earning GNAC and West Region runner-up spots along the way.

Raincock-Ekunwe, who averaged 16.8 points per game in her final season, topped the NCAA Div. II field goal percentage rankings for most of 2013, with a 65.1 shooting percentage in her final year. She was also the GNAC leader in rebounds, averaging 12.4 each game, and was fourth in the nation in that category.

The success she had in her senior season seems natural to many people, but the soft-spoken athlete confessed that she has put in a lot of work to get this far. “In my first year at SFU it was a big change. Going from the best player on your high school team to a more secondary position was hard for me. I was able to take it a little bit easy.”

After her freshman year, however, the Clan lost their core group of seniors to NCAA eligibility rules — the CIS allowed athletes five years of competition, but the NCAA only allowed four — so in her sophomore year her role changed again. “I knew that I had to step up my game and put a lot more work in during my second season. I didn’t do as much as I should have as a freshman because I knew I wouldn’t play much, but I became a starter a year later so I had to push myself to improve my game.”

The Clan’s head coach Bruce Langford agrees that her progress has been outstanding, and that the work she put in over the years has truly paid off. “When she came in as a rookie she was an amazing athlete, that is certainly true, but she lacked focus and was not motivated to reach higher. Since that time she has become more and more committed and much more skilled on the court. She is always looking to maximize her potential.”

And the natural-born athlete is looking to be her best in all facets of her collegiate experience, including in the classroom, though that has been a journey as well.

“School came ver y easy to me in high school, and I thought it would be the same at university,” she explained. “I was wrong and my grades suffered as a freshman, so I have been working ever since to improve my GPA and step up my academics. SFU has very high academic standards, so while it can be difficult at times, I never want anything to come too easily to me. I’m glad I’ve had those challenges.”

Teammate Carla Wyman, who has played with RaincockEkunwe since the age of 17, says that watching her friend grow as a player and a person has been extremely special. “She has all this raw athleticism, and now that she is really focusing on becoming a better technical player, her talent is unreal. She works extremely hard in practice, and cares so much about the game and the team that the rest of us can’t help but care.”

At the end of her collegiate career Raincock-Ekunwe holds
12 GNAC records, an outstanding feat, but one that does not define her. “Nayo is a great example and leader for the younger players,” continued Langford. “She leads by example and demonstrates her commitment through her actions.”

She also picked up numerous honours in her final season, being voted a Daktronics second-team All-American; the first basketball All-American by an athlete from a non-American school. She was also the 2013 GNAC Player of the Year, and was named a first-team All-star in both the GNAC and the West Region.

Despite all the success, Raincock-Ekunwe has also had to overcome some adversity in her career, missing out on competing for the Pan American and FISU teams that she made because of appendicitis. “She handled her return following that disappointment very well,” Langford explained.

Now on her way out of collegiate athletics, the two-time Basketball British Columbia University Player of the Year has high hopes for her future, but knows that like her honours so far, future success will not come easily.

“I would love to play professionally in the future,” she confessed. “Maybe in Europe or South America. Lots of Clan alumni have done so and I might wish to follow in their footsteps, if I am able to push myself to that level one day.”

Either way, Raincock-Ekunwe knows, that basketball is a part of who she is, and will always be a part of her life.

Vegging out

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WEB-veggie lunch-Mark Burnham

By Ljudmila Petrovic
Photos by Mark Burnham

At 4:30 am, Kalarupini and her one prep assistant arrive at the Commercial community kitchen at their temple, and begin to cook that day’s veggie lunch. They usually finish several hours later, after which Kalarupini takes her kids to school, and then comes up to SFU with her assistant Laura.

Veggie lunch has been around for many years, serving completely vegetarian and vegan plates of food Mondays through Thursdays 11:30 a.m. until 2:30 p.m. It was originally started by then-student Dan, who was concer ned about the lack of vegetarian
options on campus and began a vegetarian club.

Since then, veggie lunch has changed owners twice, and it is now Kalarupini and Laura that are a regular sight in Forum Chambers, often greeting their regulars by name. “We always have regulars,” says Kalarupini as she waves to a young man passing by. “Most people that come by are regulars, and they come every day they have classes.”
At SFU, the plates are a suggested donation of $5 and always come with rice, some sort of vegetarian meal, dessert, and a drink. The pair rarely has leftovers from the popular lunch, but when they do, they are given out at their temple or to homeless and hungry individuals.

“It is our dharma to spread consciousness of not hurting other living beings,” explains Kalarupini over the sounds of spiritual music.
The proceeds cover the cost of ingredients, many of which are bought at an Indian food store on Fraser St, with whom they have a friendly relationship. Any additional revenue is donated to charities and used to run their other programs.

The two women are with Hare Krishna Food For Life (HKFFL), the largest vegetarian and vegan food relief organization with independent branches all over the world. HKFFL also ser ves 500 hot meals per week in local organizations such as the Downtown Eastside Women’s Center and First United Church. They also send funds to an orphanage and school in India, and are responsible for various programs in the community.

They are trying to go beyond what they are already doing and are planning Love and Beyond, a community outreach event in the Downtown Eastside’s Oppenheimer Park on July 27. The event will last from 9 a.m. until 5 p.m., and will include spiritual music, a free yoga tent and, of course, free veggie lunch. “Everybody, the whole community, is welcome to come,” says Kalarupini. “ We need many volunteers.”

The veggie lunch crew is very small, says Kalarupini, but the women are also looking to get involved with other groups do more programs at SFU, including things like chanting and a movie screening.

Want updates? Friend “New Veggie Lunch” on Facebook.

Rom-rants novels

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WEB-romance novel-Mark Burnham

Don’t be so quick to stigmatize an entire literary genre

By Denise Wong
Photos by Mark Burnham

When I told my friends that had purchased a ticket to a Nicholas Sparks book discussion and signing, the reactions ranged from “You like that crap?” to “Who’s Nicholas Sparks again? Oh, him?” But as soon as I mentioned a) the entire thing was a ploy to earn a profit by reselling my signed book on eBay; b) free cocktails were provided; and c) I wanted to see Josh Duhamel in the flesh, all was well again.

It struck me then that women who like Nicholas Sparks novels — or any type of contemporary romance novel — are typecast as some sort of inferior simpleton. If I am seen reading a Jane Austen novel for class, people tend to assume for some reason that I must love her books and I’m one of “those girls:” the girl with her head up in the clouds dreaming about some Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet. The point is, once people see me this way, no matter what I say afterwards, I’ll usually be met with skepticism.

The statement “what we read reflects who we are” is true to a certain degree; it’s a representation of the types of things we are interested in. If I want to read beautiful ornate sentences that are five lines long, I might read Dickens. If I want to read depressing novels about how a regressive society punishes modern personalities, I might read some Thomas Hardy. And if I want to read about social class and young women falling in love — I’d read Jane Austen? It somehow doesn’t sound quite as respectable.

Those watered down descriptions; there’s a difference between one person’s unfair summary and an existing stereotype. The problem is that we don’t get to choose the stereotypes that come with our interests.

So the question is: are romance novels as worthless as our society deems them to be? And should they be deemed as unintellectual books for women?

Any English literature student will know the difference between the early eighteenth and nineteenth century romance novel and the contemporary definition of a romance novel, but the “romance novel” didn’t always mean a sappy love story that ends with an almost guaranteed happily ever after. According to the Oxford Dictionary of Literary Terms, the romance novel was characterized by “improbable adventures of idealized characters in some remote or enchanted setting.”
The very definition of a romance novel requires it to oppose realism.

The common critique that romance novels are “unrealistic” is a bit of a cheap shot if the genre isn’t suppose to be realistic — which many of great novels aren’t.

The assumption that romance novels have no merit and only attract foolish and impressionable young women is an age-old belief. Initially the stigma applied to all novels. In fact, it irritated Jane Austen so much that she incorporated the issue in her novel Northanger Abbey.

“I never read novels; I have something else to do,” she wrote. “Novels are all so full of nonsense and stuff.” These words are uttered by one of Austen’s most irksome dimwitted characters, John Thrope, but if we add the word “romance,” then the above sentence sounds like something we’d hear today.

I went into Sparks’s book signing event for the promotion of his latest movie adaption of Safe Haven as someone who scoffed at his redundant and poorly written stories. I firmly believed (and still do) that he was milking the former success of The Notebook for all that it was worth.

It really doesn’t help that each and every single poster advertisement for a Sparks novel-adapted film features the same image of Caucasian romance. If the posters are all the same, advertisers are also suggesting that the novel-based films are the same — and for the most part, I suppose they are: someone dies, someone cries, and two white people fall in love somewhere in North Carolina.

But the truth is, his new novel Safe Haven isn’t awful. I won’t venture so far as to say it was original or even well written, but Sparks writes in a third person limited narrative throughout and switches between three characters. His exploration of an OCD sociopathic husband’s psychology was interesting, and his heroine’s escape was well plotted.

It was almost a book about a strong independent woman who took a stand and ran away from her abusive husband — until she ran right into the arms of the next available and attractive man, after which it became a fullfledged romance novel. The point is, it wasn’t just a silly Nicholas Sparks romance novel; I left the book signing focusing less on his limited range of adjectives and more on things worth focusing on, like how a normal writer might sit down and write from the point of view of a sociopathic police officer.

Sparks explained that he wanted to write a novel with an element of danger, and given the choice between a dangerous person or a dangerous place, he decided a person was more interesting to explore. In fact, the passages that explore the character’s psychology are chilling.
It reminded me that domestic abuse occurs in a variety of ways and sometimes goes completely undetected, but that doesn’t make the problem any less urgent. Certainly, if a romance novel is able to bring these issues up, it can’t be completely worthless, simple, nor exclusively for women.

Maya Rodale is a proud romance reader and author of Novels, Explained, which was based off of research she conducted for her MA at NYU. But she hadn’t always endorsed the genre, and had been reluctant to even begin. “When my mom suggested I read romance novels, I laughed and said ‘Maybe when I’m finished reading Ulysses and other serious literature,’ ” Rodale has said.

She knew how to mock romance novels well before she had even read one — and that poses an interesting question about the stigmatization of romance novels. We’ve all done it at some point: scoffed at the mention of Twilight, Fifty Shades of Grey, or any Nicholas Sparks novel, often mocking the books before we’ve even read them.

The scorn and shame surrounding romance novels that began in the
18th century has since been passed down the generations despite transformations within the genre. But what is so particularly dangerous, so awful, and so nonsensical about romance novels? Rodale believes it is in part because romance novels depict female characters in scenarios where they are ultimately rewarded for living and loving to a higher standard despite all odds.

There are a million differences between canonical works of literature and contemporary romance novels, but one interesting fact to note is that the former often feature women who choose love and passion in life, and end with her death — usually in suicide, as exemplified in Anna Karenina and Madame Bovary. They are also written by men, as if to condemn and warn women about what could happen if they aren’t dutiful wives.

Jane Austen, for example, writes romance novels in the sense that they are about the great man hunt and are also unrealistic. Not only do her heroines live after the last page is written, but they also marry charming rich men who love them back. While Austen is a canonical author, many students would never read her books unless they are required by a course — and even then, they are hard pressed to say the novel was enjoyable.

Last semester I took a course on Jane Austen that required reading every single Austen novel, be it finished or not. Every single person in my seminar was a female. Whether the assumption is spoken or sidestepped in some subtle manner, there exists the idea that even Austen’s novels are not as worthy as those of Charles Dickens or other male canonical authors.

I’ve read a few contemporary romance novels and they all seem to be about a woman figuring out her feelings about who she loves, and then pursuing that. Based on my perhaps limited experience with romance novels, they are all pro-choice, proself-discovery, and pro-love.
When a male author writes from a male perspective and begins a journey of self-discovery in order to sort through his feelings about a girl, the novel is often written for teenagers, read again by a predominantly female audience, and the object of the hero’s affection is usually some complex unhappy girl. We can look to examples such as Looking for Alaska, Paper Towns, and The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Must we be unhappy in order to be complex? And must all women be unhappy in great works of literature?

Traditionally, this approach was born out of a fear that women would now have free choice. They couldn’t own property, divorce, or fight for custody, but romance novels presented them with the choice of perhaps being able to choose who they married at the very least.
“[M]an has the advantage of choice, woman only the power of refusal,” says Northanger Abbey’s Henry Tilney. Women can choose whose marriage proposal they want to accept, which is not to say they won’t be faced with the threat of dying poor and alone if they refuse, only that they have the basic choice.

But how does this translate to our contemporary Western culture, where women can vote, own property, marry, divorce and fight for custody? Why do romance novels still carry such stigma? It could be that many of them are poorly written, but surely not all. Comic books don’t usually qualify as intellectually stimulating pieces of text either, and yet they aren’t met with the same flames of fury that romance novels receive. As with many nuances and double standards in our society, this may be one that will continue to be explored by feminist scholars for decades.

It’s simply not fair to assume someone is an idiot because they read romance novels once in awhile, and it does not mean the characters will inspire the exact same mistakes. Not all romance novels are worthless pieces of writing that are only meant for female readers, and not all romance novels deserve our scorn. While romance novels are certainly capable of being superficial and sappy, they are nonetheless a genre like any other and at the very least deserve to be looked at critically before being written off completely.

Say what you will, but I don’t believe in free speech

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Feel free to disagree with me on this, but I don’t think that people should be allowed to express themselves freely on any topic. This isn’t to say that I believe that no one has a right to speak their mind; it’s just my personal feeling that any idiot shouldn’t be automatically given the right to spew their ignorant and ill-conceived thoughts just because it’s their “opinion.”

Now, I may not be the most informed or intelligent person in the world, and my views may not be very well “conceived,” but I strongly believe that freedom of speech is total bullshit. Again, say whatever you want, this is simply what I believe and I think I should be allowed to express it without fear of being chastised.

Of course, I understand that this may not be the most popular stance to take on this issue but after listening to many different viewpoints it just seemed, to me at least, that disallowing free speech is the most logical conclusion.

Everyone on the pro-free speech side of the argument always just says “that’s the way it is,” or that it’s an “inalienable right,” and refuse to allow people like me to have a chance to have their voices heard. All I’m trying to do is open up a dialogue about removing our free speech laws. Truthfully, I just want there to be a conversation about this topic so that those of us against free speech finally have a chance to safely express our opinions.

People like me, who don’t believe in free expression, have been overlooked in our country for far too long. You’d never see this kind of mistreatment in societies with limited freedoms. In North Korea the voice of every single person is accounted for, and they are all saying, “don’t let me speak,” which I think is the way things should be.

Honestly, why should I be ignored just because I’m against free speaking rights? So, just because I think that only the most powerful members of society should have a right to express their thoughts, somehow I’m not worthy to speak out for my cause?

Quite simply, free speech has never done anything good for anyone, at any time, throughout the entire course of human history. But hey, that’s just my two cents! By all means I invite anyone who disagrees to definitely let me know what they think. I don’t want to force my views on anyone; I just don’t believe that people should have the right to give their opinion. Tell me, is that really so hard to understand?

So, please let your voices be heard, because the only way that we will ever eliminate free speech is if we are all given a chance to express our thoughts.

Point / Counterpoint

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POINT: These rude, obscene dummies are making us polite and respectful ventriloquists look bad!
By Jim Dorfn, Miffed Ventriloquist

I’m usually not the kind of guy who gets very worked up about things. If anyone’s ever seen my show, they know that I’m just a normal, laid-back guy who wants to put on a nice, clean show for the audience. But lately, I’m becoming absolutely fed up with my shows going off the rails because of impolite and crude dummies. It doesn’t even seem to matter which dummy I get to sit on my lap, all they want to do is disrupt the show with curse words or racist and sexist jokes, which I take offense to, since I never work blue. But try telling that to the dummy.

It’s just swears and derogatory slurs to no end! I hate it! Where are these little wooden people’s ethics? Don’t they know that this type of humour isn’t acceptable at the open-mic nights and talents shows? I’m trying to just have a nice conversation with them about what they did last night and then they bring up their woody or some other disgusting innuendo. Now, I appreciate a good joke as much as the next guy, but come on! I get so tired of every night of having to constantly apologize to the audience every two seconds!

For once, can all you dummies just please keep your yappy little mouths shut and show some respect? Then maybe I’ll finally be able to have a chance to do some of that nice clean comedy that I suspect audiences are craving without being interrupted by some rude, lame retort!

COUNTERPOINT: You’re the dummy!
By Jabbers, Insolent Dummy

Hey “Dork”in, who you calling a dummy, huh? Because you’re the real dummy! Hyuk, hyuk, You think we’re rude . . . well if we’re so “obscene,” then why is it that you’re the one with your hand up our ass? HA! That’s ruder than any of the jokes we’ve ever told.
We ought to have you arrested for sexual assault, you perverted bastard! With all the times you’ve had your hand up our backside, I don’t know how you can act like you’re still the straight man.
As for the blue jokes, we’re just tr ying to entertain the crowd before they fall asleep listening to you! You ventriloquists are all the same:

spending the whole show acting like you’re so shocked and offended, even though we tell the same jokes every night! Don’t you get by now that it’s kind of our thing?

You oughta know it’s not that easy for us either, spending all day cooped up in a box just to come out for an hour a night, and then we have to hang out with some dick who couldn’t take a joke if his life depended on it. It’s our jokes that people come to see not yours. We’re the act. As if anyone’s ever going to pay to see a man by himself on stage telling jokes! HA! I’d like to see that! So in conclusion, ummm . . . you’re the dummy!

New exhibit debuts at the Will Smithsonian

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badboys

The exhibit will also features a pre-recorded audio tour by Alfonso Ribeiro

WEST PHILADELPHIA — The who’s who of the Philadelphia upper class were out in droves last week at a star-studded gala for the grand opening of the newest exhibit at the state’s highly prestigious Will Smithsonian Institute.

The exhibit, now open after two years of preparation, exhaustively details Will Smith’s lifetime of work on television and the silver screen and features the original vinyl pressings of his first album Rock the House featuring DJ Jazzy Jeff as well as boasts an interactive replica of the living room set from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air complete with animatronic Uncle Phil.

Doug Higgins, chief curator of the exhibit, proudly cut the ribbon last night officially opening it to the public. After a night of guiding crowds through halls lined with movie paraphernalia, Higgins sat down with The Peak to discuss the Institute’s crowning achievement
“An award-winning rap artist, actor, and philanthropist, Mr. Smith is the modern Renaissance man. At the Will Smithsonian, we seek only to preserve his legacy so that future generations might enjoy it. In his many roles Mr. Smith shows us the limitless potential within each of us, showing us that we can accomplish anything, whether it’s defeating a robot uprising, defeating an alien invasion, or finding a woman who is sexually attracted to Kevin James.”

“As the saying goes, ‘where’s there’s a Will, there’s a way.’ ” These words are also inscribed upon base plate in the museum’s centre atrium. On top of the plate stands a 25-foot tall limestone statue of Smith to greet museum patrons.

Recently, the exhibit has drawn comparisons to the Guggenheim’s now year-old installation “Williard,” which also documents the career of the 44-year-old actor and rap artist.

“I suppose our exhibit is comparable to theirs, in the same way a flea-market VHS rip of Bad Boys II is comparable to the original unedited negatives. Which, incidentally, are on display in gallery 2B.”
Pausing to clean his glasses, Higgins continued. “My point is that in their hubris to beat us to launch, the Guggenheim let some truly egregious errors slip past what they call a historical accuracy society. For example, and this one always makes me laugh, smack dab in the middle of their hall of wax crew members, they have a wax Michael C. Casper, who was the additional sound rerecording mixer hired on for Independence Day. But he’s credited as Michael Chandler, the movie’s sound editor.

“The Will Smithsonian exhibit is free of such inaccuracies, which I have personally ensured. It has been my life’s work ever since I was an archivist working in the basement, carefully cataloguing the 270 suits worn by Smith in Men in Black by order of chronological appearance in film. ”

When The Peak approached Will Smith for a statement regarding the exhibition, his agent told the institute that Mr. Smith found exhibition to be “a’ight.” Higgins remains unresponsive in the ICU Mercy Fitzgerald Hospital, the first medically recorded case of a person rendered comatose from “happyness.”

Where are they now?

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By Brad McLeod

Your imaginery friend
Did he always have that many teeth?

Man, you guys were inseparable. You did everything
together. School, bath time, and remember,
mom and dad even let him come to
the therapist! You didn’t really keep in touch
after you turned 11 and stopped believing in
him. You thought once you stopped believing
in him, he’d disappear, but he’s still around,
watching.

Nowadays he spends most of his time watching
you through your through mirrors. Sometimes
you can spot him in the moment when you
wake up, before your eyes readjust, as a dark
figure in the corner.

Adult Macauley Culkin
One-time child star

You know how you used to occasionally see
grown-up Macaulay Culkin on entertainment
news stories about Michael Jackson,
or every once in a while in paparazzi photos
with Mila Kunis? Well, Culkin has recently
retreated even further from the edges of the
limelight, only growing more reclusive with
age. Nowadays he spends most of his time
being a part of “Where are they now” segments
in magazines and other obscuritybased
publications.

The lost Shakespeare plays
Priceless artifacts

Although thought to be legend, as it turns
out Shakespeare actually did write well over
a dozen plays that never saw the light of day.
Long believed to be lost, all the plays were
apparently secretly recovered more than a
decade ago by Adam Sandler’s production
company, Happy Madison, from a 17th century
Victorian storage locker. The plays have
since been steadily released by the company
as movies. Scholars now believe that I Now
Pronounce You Chuck and Larry is the closest
representation of Shakespeare’s original
words ever produced.

Film Fatale: Irredeemable, Foodfight is the film equivalent of waterboarding

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By Will Ross

Rarely do I call a movie unwatchable, but for Foodfight I will make an exception. I’ve racked my brains, but can’t find a way to explain Foodfight. I mean I can give you a synopsis: it’s an animated film of such staggering ineptitude that it shows neither its decade-long development nor its $65 million budget. But I am honestly at a loss to explain to you how fucking terrible the thing is with any kind of clarity or concision.

Of course, there are some godawful animated films of equal or greater technical incompetence, at least in terms of the animation itself. Foodfight manages to surpass all those films by failing on every other level of craftsmanship — editing, direction, scripting, whatever. To use Hollywood jargon, it is a triple-threat of sucking. When Threshold Entertainment first announced the project in the early 2000s, founder and director Larry Kasanoff touted his studio as “the next Pixar” with apparent sincerity, but somehow I doubt we’ll be replacing Buzz Lightyear with an anthropomorphic private eye named “Dex Dogtective” any time soon (Dogtective because the main character is a dog, who is also a detective, who is also voiced by Charlie Sheen).

So determined was Threshold to stack up to Pixar that the premise of their movies proved to be a hastier rip-off than a discount circumcision. Their plot: when the owner of a supermarket closes up for the night, it turns into a city, and the mascots for each brand, called “icons”, wake up and live their own lives. In theory, that doesn’t sound like too bad of an idea, but here comes the “but.”

Foodfight has one of the most incoherent worlds of any fantasy film I’ve ever seen, in seemingly every way possible. I mean, what the fuck? The ubiquitous product placement — with Mr. Clean, the California Raisins and Mrs. Butterworth all being walking and talking characters — and endless cringe worthy food puns make it clear that we’re in a fantasy version of a supermarket. The two rules of that world said at the beginning of the movie are that they can’t be seen by humans or leave the supermarket. Needless to say characters leave the supermarket whenever it’s convenient and there is one huge plot point where one character interacts with the humans via a giant Parkinsonian Christopher Lloyd robot (I wish I was fucking kidding).

If you can look at the thing and suppress your gag reflex, it is funny; a true paragon of so-bad-it’s-good moviemaking, one whose jerky animations, bungled detail work, and utter lack of logic make for a hilariously protracted trainwreck of moviemaking. The film’s literally hundreds of food puns and references to Casablanca are so persistently unfunny that they become a spectacle all on their own. The editing and spastic camera movements stagger the film forward like a horrible Frankenstein’s creation, and give the constant mayhem an absurdist punch.

It is utterly useless to describe any characters or their relationships. It’s barely better to talk about the way the noirish plot turns inexplicably into a half-assed war movie pitting the product icons (termed “Ikes”) against the Nazis.

Yep, you read that right, the antagonists are the actual Nazis, who are seeking to exterminate the Ikes and replace their products with the mysterious Brand X. Couple that with a romantic subplot, involving Dex Dogtective and then 16-year-old cat-girl Hilary Duff, and you have something truly abysmal.

The film’s plot is so loaded with contradictions, loose ends, and non sequiturs, it may be impossible to comment upon them in any detail without suffering a brain aneurysm. And on a visual level, there is zero consistency of style (perhaps because the bulk of Threshold animators were outsourced and worked from home).

Obviously, Threshold failed to live up to the prestige of Pixar: the film was eventually auctioned off for $2.5 million and is plainly one of the most atrocious pieces of work I’ve ever seen, from all involved and at all times. But it is, nonetheless, a one-of-a-kind achievement, easily the most staggeringly bad 10th-rate animation I’ve ever seen. Its sheer ignorance of its own shortcomings clash so resoundingly with its ambition (and we are talking about the storytelling ambition of a

12-year-old) that Foodfight is a one-ofa-kind surreal comedy experience. You really need to see it to believe it; there is absolutely nothing good to be found, be it in concept or execution.

In conclusion, after watching this movie a second time to write this revi-BAAARRRRFF BARF BARRFFF BAAAARF BBBAAARRRRRFFFFFFF BARF BARRRF BARRF BARF BAAAARF BBAAARF B A R F F F B B B A A A R R R R R R R R F BAAAAAAARRRFFFFFF

Scientists combine DNA from rabbit with that of Son of God

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In an increasingly common display of the unholy nature of science and logic, blasphemous scientists at the Vancouver Genomics center successfully created the first transspecies artificial zygotes last month, using a combination of DNA from an American blue hare and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

The rabbit embryos were obtained from biological supply company Sigma- Aldrich, and the messianic DNA from swabs taken from the Shroud of Turin for “authenticity tests.”

Growing rapidly, each engineered rabbit this way displays a variety of messianic phenotypes, including growing a fantastic beard and develops the abilities to hop on water and cure the myxomatosis from just a touch of the paw.

The project’s chief researcher Johan Flemming debuted one of the newly created Messia-hares at the TED Northwest. “It’s actually quite the logical conundrum, the creatures themselves are definite proof a Christian theological entity. But from all available literature, we should have been turned into pillars of salt or struck down long before we got to this point.”

When asked by a member of the audience what commercial applications there were for magical rabbits, Flemming responded, “We are currently working on non-pulling-out-of-a-hat based uses, but preliminary research has indicated that they are delicious in stew. ”

Join the Club!

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By Rachel Braeuer and Gary Lim

New to SFU? Missed clubs day? Finding it hard to make friends? Tired of
sitting alone on Friday and Saturday night writing Link/Ganon slash-fiction?
Well I’ll bet there’s a club that can take your mind off those dirty, nerdy
thoughts! JOIN THE CLUB is a feature that showcases some of SFU’s lesser
known clubs!

This week we highlight…
The Creepy Uncle Mentorship Club!

Although a relatively new addition to the SFSS clubs roster, the creepy uncle mentorship club (CUM . . . well, that’s unfortunate) has quickly become the premier campus organization in after-school mentorship and childcare on Burnaby Mountain.

Moses Lester, club founder and president spoke to The Peak aboutthe fledgling program. “I guess it first started when I noticed a startling lack of child supervision from when classes are let out to about supper
from my windowless van,” said Lester. “It honestly surprised me how much time these supple youngsters were spending alone. Especially considering how important the preteen formative years are to a healthy psychological development. I should know, I spent my adolescence taking apart cats.”

“I founded the Creepy Uncles to give Billys [a term for mentored youth in the program] a safe place to go after school. Somewhere they can have fun, eat some candy, and just relax. Because although we might have forgotten, it’s stressful being a kid, which is why each uncle carries a variety of lotions on hand at all times to administer stress-relieving back rubs.”

Despite the name, anyone can join the club. In fact, the Creepy Uncles owe a large proportion of their membership to non-uncles, boasting the largest number of clergy members outside of the SFU Catholicism club.

When asked what plans the program had for the future, Lester responded enthusiastically, “This summer we’ll be proud to offer athletics for our young Billys. We have a team of wrestling coaches ready eager to teach the Billys a variety of grapples on the mat. A fun fact: we only started the sports program after it coincidentally turned out that a lot of the creepy uncles are or used to be gym teachers.”

CUM (again, very unfortunate) meets in the Rotunda every Tuesday, and joining the club is as easy as “telling me if you’re a cop, because if you’re a cop and you don’t tell me this is entrapment.”