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Gossip Peakie: It’s time to get laid

Humour

I will not provide you with postage, but I’m here for the tears

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By: Gossip Peakie

Hey, Burnaby Mountain dwellers. Gossip Peakie here, your number one source for hot goss on campus. ‘Tis that time of year, love is in the air. All you single monsters seem to have forgotten — oh how I take great pleasure in telling you from the back of my sugar daddy’s sports car. I wish I could see your faces. 

Oh no! Don’t cry, babes. Fear not. This year, I have the perfect solution for your miserable self. Presenting some Valentine’s Day cards you can send to that one person you’re crushing on but don’t have the guts to fess up to. The goal is to get you laid. And laid you shall be (because this damn school is filled with single losers like you).  

With that being said, get ready to paste these blurbs into a Canva template (be an independent queen), print them out, and stick them on your ex’s tutorial room door. Oh, and you might need a condom, too. It’s time to get freaky. 

Card 1: 

I get wet at the thought of you — being a responsible guy. Uh-huh. I need a Beedie Bro to rock my world (gotta have a rich partner, fr). So, how much money can you embezzle into this hole?? 

Card 2: 

Roses are red, my eyes are very blue, can we both goon to a picture of  Madonna’s hair-do in the back of our lecture hall, dude? #threesome 

Card 3: 

I couldn’t tell if you were also gay. Please send me your recently watched shows on Crave. Cheers to running to the cottage, babe.  

Have fun, baddies. You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Peakie.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

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For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society