The Last Laugh

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February 17, 2014

People are usually remembered either for great things they’ve done or great things they’ve said. Clever lines and thoughtful words are great to quote at a dinner party, but they are especially memorable and poignant when they are final words. Some just refuse to take death seriously, and keep on spouting witty phrases to their last breath.

So start considering your own epitaphs, because here are some of the most witty, clever and downright strange last words ever uttered.

Voltaire

“Now now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies.”

One of the absolute best and most ridiculously bold last phrases of all time. Voltaire (November 21, 1694 – May 30, 1778) was a prominent French Enlightenment thinker who was an outspoken advocate for free speech, freedom of religion, and the secularization of the state. His real name was Francois-Marie Arouet, but he used the pseudonym “Voltaire” when publishing all his works. He is famous for much of what he said throughout his life — “While I do not agree with what you say, I’ll defend to the death your right to say it” is just one of his many memorable phrases.

His last words are only fully appreciated in context. A critic of the Catholic Church all his life, on his deathbed he was asked by a priest to renounce Satan so that he might save his soul. His response is probably funnier now than it was then.

Aldous Huxley

“LSD, 100 micrograms, intramuscular.”

Aldous Huxley (July 26, 1894 – November 22, 1963) is probably best known for his dystopian novel Brave New World, but should also be appreciated for his many essays, short stories and other written works. He came from a family of intellectuals, including Thomas Henry Huxley, who was one of the first vocal advocates for Darwin’s theory of natural selection.

Aldous’s last words are understood better when considering his experiences with psychedelic drugs throughout his life. At the brink of losing a lengthy battle with cancer, his last request was to his wife, asking to be administered a dose of LSD. She agreed and injected him twice before he expired. Though I suppose his wit is not the defining element of this utterance, his priorities and sense of practicality in the face of oblivion shine through.

Groucho Marx

“Die, my dear doctor? Why, that’s the last thing I’ll do!”

Julius Henry Marx (October 2, 1890 – August 19, 1977) is better known by his nickname “Groucho” and even better known for his ridiculously exaggerated features, including a large nose, horn-rimmed glasses, bushy eyebrows and moustache. He found his calling as a vaudevillian and later as a Hollywood actor, starring in 26 movies and leaving us with more clever quotes than could ever be included in this article.

In a letter detailing his resignation from a prestigious club, he wrote, “I don’t care to be part of any club that accepts people like me as members.” That kind of levity and irony show up one last time in his final moments.

Oscar Wilde

“These curtains are killing me; one of us has got to go.”

Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde (October 16, 1854 – November 30, 1900) was a Dublin born poet, playwright and author, not to mention a god of wit, comedy and satire. For plays like The Importance of Being Earnest and stories such as The Picture of Dorian Gray, he became famous.

He was incarcerated for two years for the crime of “gross indecency” with other men, and his career never recovered. But 100 years later, he’s chiefly remembered for what he said, be it the profound — “Experience is merely the name we give to our mistakes,” — or the downright confusing — “I can believe anything, provided it is quite incredible.” There is some dispute as to whether the lines above really were his last words. In my opinion it’s irrelevant; if he didn’t say that, then he probably said something equally memorable.

Dominique Bouhours

“I am about to — or I am going to — die: either expression is correct.”

This quote seems kind of obvious, but bear with me. Unlike many of the other names on this list, Dominique Bouhours (May 15, 1628 – May 17, 1702) isn’t exactly a household name. He has no great works that are still read today and to my knowledge he didn’t do anything extraordinary enough to put him in a history book. All in all, he was a relatively average French monk who spent his whole life in Paris.

Why, then, does he make the list? Well, our Bouhours is one of those otherwise inconspicuous people whose last words alone brought them fame. This final sentence seems somewhat lacking, until one learns that Dominique Bouhours was an eminent French grammarian, whose appreciation and respect for language was literally as important to him as life itself.

Haida tattooing makes its mark

By

EIC

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February 17, 2014

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The ancient art of Haida tattooing has recently garnered new interest after being featured in the Vancouver Sun on Jan. 17.

According to new research from the Bill Reid Centre for Northwest Coast Art Studies, located within the First Nations Studies at SFU, the Haida practiced the art of tattooing for centuries before European contact. Always a part of Haida culture, these tattoos represent crests, similar to what coat of arms represented for Europeans.

These crests were symbols of status, social adornment or self-adornment. Each person, depending on their rank and their family, had a right to wear certain crests on their skin — just as they had a right to sing certain songs while others did not.

Haida tattoos were linked with the ceremony of potlatch: individuals were honoured with tattoos that were unveiled during a dance. Since Haida traditions were often passed down by word of mouth, a great deal of cultural knowledge was transferred orally at these potlatches from one generation to the next — including knowledge of the status and spirituality of other members.

The staff at the Bill Reid Gallery, explained, “The potlatch was the legally binding system for the Haida people, just like a signed contract would have been for the Europeans.” They said that tattoos “were celebrated at the potlatch [. . .] so that the other members of the community could recognize the right that [. . .] individual [held, as represented by] that particular crest.”

British Columbia is home to more than 40 different First Nations peoples, each with their own territory, culture and government. Among First Nations, the Haida are known for their art, and home territory of Haida Gwaii, which is also known as the Queen Charlotte Islands.

Gregory Williams, who is the first formally trained Haida tattoo artist in more than 100 years and is himself Haida, explained the artform to The Peak: “There is a strict rule that makes Haida art [authentic]. It is in the way the drawings are done and the space is filled between the negative and the positive space.”

The exposition on Haida Art at the Bill Reid Gallery stated, “There is a formline system of expression using mostly the U form and the ovoid form.” This means that most Haida drawings use a combination of those two forms to represent crests. The colors used — black and red — also distinguish Haida tattoos.

Williams, who lives on Haida Gwaii, believes in continuing and sharing this art form. “Even if the Haida tattoos are part of our culture, it is important for me that we share it with visitors who come to Haida Gwaii,” he said. “This way they can go back home with a memory on their skin of their trip.”

Williams hopes to soon open a store in Haida Gwaii, called Haida Ink, where he would train at least five other Haida tattoo artists who could continue his work.

Questionable Information: Great Wall of China

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EIC

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February 17, 2014

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Prior to the 14th century, all that separated China from Mongolia was a “Great Privacy Hedge”.

Drumming to her own beat

By

Peak Web

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February 17, 2014

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Kat Wahamaa wears a lot of hats. Along with being a musician and a mom, she is also a publicist and the co-artistic director of an artist’s collective. Her band Kat and Tony recently released a new album, Everything Blue, and she is currently playing mandolin and singing in the Firehall Arts Centre’s The Drummer Girl with her longtime friend and colleague Lauri Lyster.

Wahamaa has known Lyster since 1996 when she played on Wahamaa’s solo album Wise Woman. The Drummer Girl is a show about Lyster’s experiences as a professional musician in Vancouver from playing with the Vancouver Symphony Orchestra to being part of a jazz ensemble.

“It’s kind of universal. It’s Lauri’s personal experience; she’s a multi-disciplinary artist who works in many different genres,” said Wahamma. “The show is about what it’s like to be a mom and a musician.”

Lyster’s and Wahamaa’s careers are similar in more ways than one: “I can relate to all the different places you can find yourself in as a musician and you’re thinking something like, ‘At least he didn’t throw up on my shoe,’” laughed Wahamaa. “It’s a mom’s perspective which I can relate to as well,” she continued, “I believe in engaging children in the joy of making music.”

Although Lyster incorporates many songs into her show, there are also many sections of dialogue and humourous anecdotes she shares with the audience. “It’s interesting, extremely engaging, and there’s a wonderful selection of tunes,” said Wahamaa, “and the writing is also entertaining.”

After hearing about Lyster’s experiences, “the audience will leave uplifted by the music and the humour,” said Wahamaa. “It’s also an eye-opener in some respects,” she continued, “it’s not all glamour and limos. They’ll see that there’s such a broad spectrum of artists to discover, and maybe they’ll be inspired to make some of their own music.”

While possibly eye-opening about the realities of the music industry, Wahamaa said that the institution is part of the culture in North America and musicians support it regardless. “The music industry is this thing that’s over there and looms over everything musicians do,” she continued, “it’s a continuum, so I can’t say whether it’s good or bad.”

The Internet, for example, has both a good and bad side, said Wahamma: “It allows you to share your music with a huge audience, but it creates anonymity on a grand scale.”

On Wahamaa’s new Kat and Tony album, she seems to have done things her own way. The album was completed over a couple of years, and songs were recorded in Japan and Mission, BC.

Wahamaa and partner in music and life Tony Rees are glad to have this album finished and she said they ended up with almost two more albums worth of material. Kat and Tony also play with other artists: “It’s nice because we can just go out the two of us or we can bring a seven piece band,” said Wahamaa.

The Drummer Girl premiered in 2012, and Wahamaa and the entire cast is looking forward to remounting it. The show is about life as a musician, and as Wahamaa said, “Being a musician, there’s no lack of interesting times. There’s also the pure joy that the music gives you, putting you in the flow; the here and now.” Just like a great song, Wahamaa said of the show: “It’s gonna leave you feeling good, and the feeling will linger.”

The Drummer Girl will be presented at Firehall Arts Centre until February 22. For more information visit firehallartscentre.ca.

SFU Bookstore Clearance Items

By

EIC

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February 17, 2014

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Here’s a look at some products that our beloved bookstore is having a little trouble selling. Unlike everything else they sell this is some real almost-appropriately-priced merch!

Only God Can Judge Me and Other Flimsy Legal Excuses that Won’t Hold up in Court

by Tupac Shakur

~~$40.95~~ $9.95

This textbook, written by failed criminology scholar Tupac Shakur, would later inspire a track off his 1996 rap music album All Eyez on Me, although with a shortened title.

“SFU: Female Body Inspector” T-Shirt

~~$10.99~~ $2.50

Originally sold during the SFU Bookstore’s “joke tee” phase, this shirt was markedly unpopular especially in comparison with the bestselling “Who Farted at SFU?” and “Simon Fraseringa!” shirts.

Advanced Name-Calling for Shit-Zippers

~~$42.00~~ $9.69

This item is leftover from a briefly offered English course on the “Study of Vulgarity and Insolence in Writing”. These were supposed to be sent back to the manufacturer but apparently some “monkey-weasel” lost the receipt.

Misprint “Go Klan Go” Pennant

~~$22.65~~ $0.25

With 10,000 currently in stock, these pennants are the result of a massive error by a South Carolina athletic company which refuses to acknowledge the mistake and claims that “none of the other chapters have complained.”

Half-eaten Tuna Sandwich

~~$??.??~~ FREE

This was just something that got left in the bookstore’s workroom fridge and no one would cop to it. It’s unclear how old it is or if it’s really tuna (it smells like tuna) but if you want to come get it, it’s yours.

Tippy Top Ten: Reading Week

By

EIC

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February 17, 2014

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10. Spent entire week writing in ultimate act of rebelliousness

9. Without the usual crazy lines, finally visited SFU Art Gallery

8. Discovered your idea of “sleeping-in” has reached 4 p.m.

7. Coined a new term for masturbation then played “flappy bird” a lot

6. Adjusted to life without the Tonight Show with Jay Leno

5. Watched world’s finest athletes compete in the Olympics due to being too lazy to reach for the remote

4. Found out “Reading Break” isn’t that big of a party in Cabo San Lucas

3. Practiced silent, unconscious, lying down form of meditation

2. Learned what “neknominate” means and counted it as studying for PoliSci

1. Reading, obviously

Never trust a man that says “trust me”

By

Peak Web

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February 17, 2014

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He strolled in like a young William Shatner.

Just kidding, he actually strolled in like a middle-aged Bruce McCulloch, but requested all of us who were “live tweeting” to describe his entrance as such.

From the moment McCulloch awkwardly danced his way onto and around the stage, spitting out advice, spoken word style (“never trust a woman who uses a dream catcher as a birth control device”), accompanied by his lifelong friend and musical collaborator Brian Connally, the audience was hooked.

McCulloch, who is well known as a member of the infamous Canadian sketch comedy troupe The Kids in the Hall, has spent his adult life acting, writing and directing (Superstar, Stealing Harvard, Dog Park).

Young Drunk Punk, which played at the Firehall Arts Centre from Jan. 28 to Feb. 1, is a self-written and directed intimate performance in which McCulloch plays the character of himself. It’s more than stand-up, more than a play, more than musical performance or poetry: it’s a unique and brilliant storytelling concoction with a refreshingly different flavour. Its title comes from the book he is also working on by the same name, from which he has pulled pieces to give us this time-stopping performance.

In Young Drunk Punk, McCulloch discloses his less-than-ideal upbringing in Alberta. He remembers himself as an outsider, which he thinks is just a “fancy word for loser.” His “weird little life” consisted of him blaring The Clash and the Sex Pistols, blow drying his hair, getting drunk and constantly planning out when and how to best beat up his father. In short, being an angsty 80s punk. He let us know that it was easy to be a punk in those days, though: “Just sleep in one day and there you go.”

Family is “something you survive” or “a tyrannical clutch of people who look like you but are nothing like you.”

In addition to the challenging life of an outsider, another major theme of McCulloch’s performance is family, which, as he puts it, is “something you survive,” or “a tyrannical clutch of people who look like you but are nothing like you.”

He reflects on his own youthful rebellion and, despite the fact that his “trophy” children are still very young, he marvels that the days when his son will want to beat him up are not so distant.

Growing old is another theme of the piece. “I used to wear pajamas ironically, now I just wear them.” He explores the horrific experience of once being young and cool and then waking up in the middle of life emptying the dishwasher and understanding the appeal of golf.

Although the show was mostly delivered with dark humour, sincerity was woven in as well. At one point when he was discussing family he reminded us that everyone who exists and has ever existed shares the same air, saying “If you miss somebody, just take a breath.”

From poodles as “gateway dogs” and songs of unicorns with HIV to bad sex weekends and methanol blow jobs, the show weaves a wild, disjointed narrative of McCulloch’s young, mean years — a time of painful self-exploration.

Young Drunk Punk is completely one-of-a-kind: it’s raunchy, surprising and hilarious. It is a brave act that is sure to resonate with the outsider in us all.

Woohoo, boohoo

By

EIC

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February 17, 2014

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Woohoo

SFU’s Zero Waste project is a step in the right direction. There ain’t nothing wrong with trying to double the amount of waste diverted at the university by 2015. Even though it took me about 30 seconds of standing in front of the new waste bins to figure out where to put the segments of a coffee cup, that 30-second learning curve is one that I, and you, can afford.
Canada is a wasteful nation. As of the last study on waste produced by the Conference Board of Canada in 2009, Canadians produced about 777 kgs of garbage each, while 16 other countries’ averaged 578 kg.
World-wide waste has some pretty devastating results. For instance, look at the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. It’s an area spanning the Pacific Ocean with a high concentration of broken-down plastic, chemical sludge, and other waste. While its exact size is undetermined, scientists generally agree that it’s too damn big.
Adding a bit to Dan Moxon’s sing-song sentiment, it’s about flippin’ time for zero waste at SFU.

Boohoo

Many SFU bathrooms inadvertently take a step backwards in cutting waste.
The self-flushing toilets consistently flush more than once. Once, while I was in a stall, a toilet flushed five times due to the unfortunate combination of over-sensitive triggers and a tiny bathroom stall. Aside from the wasted water, I personally don’t like having the toilet flush unless I’m running out of the stall: otherwise, the water must spray more than just a little bit on me. Bleh.
And how about the thin paper towels? I’ve personally only seen them in the Woodwards campus. If memory serves right, they straight-up say on them “environmentally friendly.” Somehow, I doubt this is true when I use at least two to dry my hands enough to operate the door. And at Woodwards, I’ve never seen hand dryer alternatives in the men’s restroom.
These two “efficiencies” waste more than simple alternatives.

SFU stung at Desert Stinger

By

EIC

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February 17, 2014

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It was hardly a banner week for the SFU softball squad, as they opened their season with five straight non-conference losses at the Desert Stinger, hosted by the University of Montana-Billings over reading week.

The Clan’s first game — a 9–7 loss to the University of Mary — was one of the team’s best outings of the event.

“I saw a lot of positives and I was pleasantly surprised by our offensive production,” said head coach Mike Renney. That offence continued in SFU’s second game, but the girls allowed 13 runs in a 13–6 loss to fall to 0–2.

“I didn’t think we would put that many runs on the board this early but we still need to put more up than our opponents so we’ve got lots of work to do,” he added.

The Clan were able to hang in against Humboldt State, the defending NCAA Division II West Region Champions in their third contest, but ultimately lost 6–4 to the fourth-ranked Lumberjacks.

But over the next two games, the Clan imploded. SFU lost their final two games, against Fort Lewis College and Regis University, by a combined 22–1; both were decided in just five innings, thanks to the mercy rule.

Despite the tough trip, Renney remains positive.

“A number of our goals [. . .] were met,” he said after the final game. “Primarily, our freshman got in and played a lot so they got a measure of where they are and where to need to get to because clearly we have a long way to go.”

He continued: “I was pleased with our offence early on and unfortunately after a couple losses it disappeared. I think that was a product of us falling behind, and our young players trying too hard.

“We’ll look forward to the next opportunity and hopefully we will enter each game with a purpose and we’ll be working on the things we need to address.”

Clan open season with a win

By

EIC

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February 17, 2014

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It was a game of momentum shifts and early season jitters, but the 17th ranked Simon Fraser lacrosse team ran away with a 16-9 victory over Div. II opponent Western Washington Vikings on Feb 8.

After coming out strong and posting a 6–0 lead at the end of the first quarter, the Clan ran into a few hitches, giving up seven goals over the next two quarters and scoring only six, narrowing the lead to 12-7 after three.

While the Vikings refused to give in, the Clan shut the door on them quickly, giving up just two goals to the visitors and tallying four in the final quarter to make the final score 16–9.

Ten different Clan players potted goals in the contest; sophomore Tyler Kirkby lead the way with five goals and an assist.

After playing his first year down at Bellarmine University in Louisville, KY, Kirkby was very pleased with his first outing with the Clan. “I thought it was pretty exciting. Everyone has been chomping at the bit to start playing. I could see the jitters out there in everyone, including myself, but all in all we found each other and made the good things happen,” he said.

Four other Clan players recorded multiple points in the opening matchup. Sophomore Andrew Branting and junior Sam Clare both tallied two goals and an assist each, while junior Ward Spencer scored a goal and two assists, and sophomore Lyndon Knuttila recorded a goal and an assist.

Other goal scorers included juniors Casey Foster, Cameron Chisholm, and Matthew Bailey, with senior defenceman Riley Wanzer and junior Mark Hilker also scoring their first goals of the season.

The Clan dominated offensively, outshooting the Vikings 47–23 over the course of the game. Goaltending duties were split between both Clan goaltenders, with senior Darren Zwack getting the start and freshman Jeremy Lasher taking over in the second half. Vikings goaltender Jordan Johnson stood tall, recording a .659 save percentage with 31 saves on 47 Clan shots.

Most of the Vikings goals came off of power plays, with 7:30 minutes of penalties plaguing the Clan, including two stints of being down two men. The Vikings, meanwhile, were shorthanded for just 2:30.

Keeping their composure and controlling their checks will be something the Clan has to focus on in the future as they look to play some tougher opponents.

The Clan were supposed to play Portland State in a double header on opening weekend but due to stormy conditions on the I-5, Portland was unable to attend so the game will be rescheduled. The Clan’s next home game is on March 1 versus rival #8 Oregon.