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Progressive grade-schooler announces fair trade offerings for Fruit Roll-Up

By
EIC
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0
The fair trade movement has spread across Suncrest Elementary, paving the way for more ethical Dunk-a-roo consumption.

In a historic decision that has been generating buzz all around the playground, second-grade student Billy Stanford has made a pledge to honour only 100 per cent fair trade offers for his strawberry Fruit Roll-up.

Although in the past Stanford has been known, around Suncrest Elementary, to partake in far-from-equal exchanges for the snacks his mother packs him, it’s reported that’s all behind him as of this recess.

“I’ve done a lot of growing up and realized it’s just not right to take advantage of those less fortunate than me,” Stanford told The Peak. “I’m consistently getting some of the best lunches of all my friends. I’m talking Pop-tarts, Fruit Gushers, sometimes I even get an entire honest to god chocolate bar [. . .] making fair trades is just the ethical thing to do.”

According to friends of Stanford, he’s not gouging them at all for the Fruit Roll-up. Even though it’s his favourite flavour, he’s reportedly willing to part with it for a reasonable amount of Goldfish crackers, something they say is commendable.

“It’s really amazing for somebody in his position to have a fair trade policy,” explained Dougie Jones, the classmate who got the Fruit Roll-up for only a third of his crackers. “You wouldn’t expect someone who gets McDonald’s brought in monthly to be that generous with his lunches.”

While Jones’ positive feelings about the selfless nature of Stanford’s lunch exchanges have been echoed by a number of his colleagues, others have reacted more cynically. 

“Sure, he says it’s a fair trade, but according to who? Donny and Kevin?” questioned Bryan Sanders, another classmate. “Dougie might think he’s getting a good deal, but that’s still too many Goldfish [. . .] it’s just not sustainable for him long-term.”

While the term ‘fair trade’ may be a contentious issue on the playground, the children have reportedly found some common ground when it comes to what snacks they enjoy trading the most: cheap junk food created and packaged by exploited workers in the Third World.

Nursery rhymes for nihilists

By
EIC
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0

Scan 2

The itsy bitsy spider
Went up the waterspout.
Down came the rain and
Washed the spider out.
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain.
And the itsy bitsy spider bitterly repressed the thought
That maybe, just maybe, none of this matters.

Piggie


This little piggy went to market.
This little piggy stayed home.
This little piggy found fulfillment
in an otherwise cruel and pitiless universe.
This little piggy, after tireless decades of searching, found none.
And this little piggy went
“Wee, wee, wee,”
Cursing the inevitable decay of his corporeal form.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
This, like all other worldly tasks, was just another in
a series of pointless steps towards the emptiness of non-existence.
Faced with this, Jack threw himself down the hill,
hoping desperately to end it all.
And Jill came tumbling after.

Scan

Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner,
Eating his Christmas pie;
Understanding that true knowledge is,
by definition, impossible
And that our understanding of reality is merely an unending dream from which death
is the only escape,
He said “What a good boy am I!”

Scan 1


Humpty Dumpty
Sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty
Realized that, in time,
No one would remember him, and everything he had ever said or done would be lost to the indifferent sands of time.
All the King’s horses
And all the King’s men,
Couldn’t put Humpty’s belief in a benevolent and meaningful existence
Together again.

Clan crushed in Division I matchup

By
EIC
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0

After notching their first victory of the season, SFU had a break from conference play. Unfortunately, that break was in the form of a game against a Division I opponent where they were soundly defeated 66-14.

The Clan travelled to Pocatello, ID to face the Idaho State Bengals (ISU) of the Big Sky Conference of Division I FCS, who were 2-3 going into the game. Backup quarterback Tyler Nickel once again had the start.

SFU got off to a seemingly good start with the opening kick return, when running back Earl Anderson managed a 60-yard return to the ISU 33-yard line. However, a holding penalty eliminated much of that yardage — 57 yards to be exact — putting the Clan at their own 10-yard line. This was the start of a long game for SFU.

In their first drive, SFU could only manage five yards. The Bengals punished them swiftly just over a minute later, with ISU running back Xavier Finley rushing 20 yards for a touchdown — the first of many.

The next drive proved slightly more fruitful for the Clan; they notched 34 yards total, 28 of them from a pass to wide receiver Lemar Durant who had 94 yards receiving in the game. This proved to be SFU’s best showing in the half; however, they did not manage to convert for points.

ISU continued their dominance, scoring on their next drive. The Bengals scored a touchdown on all but one of their drives in the first quarter, ending the quarter 21-0.

The second quarter did not treat the Clan much better, with the Bengals scoring three more touchdowns to take a commanding 42-0 lead.

Bright spots emerged for SFU, though, with the Clan holding two Bengal drives to only four plays, as well as achieving two drives with relatively good movement, gaining 22 and 32 yards during each. However, they still could not find their way onto the scoreboard.

SFU managed a better second half, however, eventually putting up some points.

The Clan started the third quarter by holding the Bengals to another four-play drive. Unfortunately ISU came out swinging in their next drive, reaching the goal line. The Bengals fumbled the ball, though, which SFU recovered to prevent a scoring play.

A subsequent fumble by Cole Tudor, however, gave ISU their next touchdown, taking the score to 49-0. For the rest of the quarter, SFU allowed only a field goal, and set themselves up for a solid fourth quarter.

Quarterback Ryan Stanford, who was put into the game after halftime, led a 75-yard drive for the Clan which ended with SFU’s first touchdown: a 25-yard pass to redshirt freshman Justin Buren.

SFU notched another touchdown with another 75 yard drive later in the quarter, fuelled by a 41-yard pass caught by Buren.

ISU responded to both drives with a touchdown of their own, off of 69- and 72-yard rushes by Bengal running back Jakori Ford, before capping the game with a field goal.

Among the highlights of the game for SFU were middle linebacker Jordan Herdman’s team high 17 tackles and Buren’s 92 receiving yards. Stanford also threw a respectable 190 yards, going 16 of 22.

This week in comics

By
EIC
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0

Peers (Leslie Lu)
Peers (by Leslie Lu)

Pun 2 3 (by Sarah Walker)
Pun 2 3 (by Sarah Walker)

Skin Ninjas (Kyle Lees)

Prominent Occupy Central supporter revealed to be pro-annexation British colonel

By
EIC
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0
Looks like someone woke up on the colonial side of the bed this morning.

Members of the Occupy Central movement were surprised this week to learn that one of their most vocal supporters, ex-Special Air Service commander Percival Harrington III, has only been encouraging the protests in hopes that Hong Kong will reunite with its former, more favourable ruler: Great Britain.

Putting the ‘civil’ back in ‘civil disobedience,’ the Occupy Central protests have been active since September 22. Formed in response to the Communist Party of China’s decision to select its own leader over those chosen by the people of Hong Kong, the pro-democracy protest has been attracting media attention from around the globe.

Harrington, a 77-year-old veteran of the Falklands War and several other British struggles of decolonization, has thus far been an outspoken supporter of the young protesters and their wishes for freedom — though his motives are only now coming to light.

“It’s good to see people finally realize the mistake of giving the Chinese sovereignty over Hong Kong,” Harrington told reporters. “I tell you, the moment you give the ‘natives’ any authority, it all goes down the loo and you’ve got civilization committing suicide.

“You just can’t trust them reds. One moment they’re shaking hands with you after fighting the Japanese and then bam, they take all your colonies right from under you in so-called national liberation.”

While still lamenting the loss of Hong Kong in 1997, Harrington remains hopeful for the future with the current protests and has publicly encouraged current Prime Minister David Cameron to take advantage of the situation immediately by conquering Hong Kong.

When asked what he would do if Westminster did not agree with his plan, Harrington assured reporters, “I’ve watched Apocalypse Now enough times to know that if the government doesn’t have the stones for it, then you need to set up a covert rebel army and do it yourself with music by The Doors playing menacingly in the background.”

Harrington proceeded to praise notably ruthless and oppressive governments of the past, including those of Apartheid-era South Africa and Rhodesia, then spoke of how he would govern Hong Kong based on their example. When told that these ideas contrast with the very demands of the protesters and have a rather colonialist slant, Harrington responded with: “It’s not colonialism if it stops communism!”

The irony of Harrington’s statements were not lost on the people of Hong Kong, as one anonymous male student protester commented with a simple, “Same shit, different day.”

Unfortunately for Harrington, his plans for annexation are likely to be forgotten, as rumours claim that the colonel suffers from extreme delusions caused by years of opium usage. The rumour has all but been confirmed by Harrington himself, who abruptly ended his interview, saying, “If you would excuse me chap, this bloody dragon keeps flying around the air and I feel the  sudden urge to chase it.”

SFU women’s wrestling strong-arm their way to success

By
Peak Web
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0
SFU Wrestling will host the Clan International.

The SFU women’s wrestling enters the 2014/15 season looking to improve upon their last season, in which four Clan members were named Women’s Collegiate Wrestling Association (WCWA) champions in their respective weight classes.

The team is currently ranked sixth in the WCWA; having finished their 2013/14 season second at the WCWA National Duals, and third overall as a team at the WCWA Individual Nationals.

Returning to the lineup will be: junior Darby Huckle, 103 lbs; senior Nikkie Brar, 116 lbs; sophomore Maegan Kuruvita, 143 lbs; senior Bailey Halvorson, 155 lbs; and junior Monika Podgorski, 170 lbs.

After suffering a knee injury early last season, Halvorson — among the returners in their last year at SFU — is ready to get back to competing for the Clan: “It feels great to finally be able to compete after undergoing surgery on my knee so early last year. I am very excited for this season, and the WCWA Individual Nationals, where I plan to compete for the gold medal at 143 lbs.”

Also entering her senior year is Nikkie Brar, whose goals for the season are to “beat Oklahoma City in every dual we wrestle them, [. . .] win the WCWA Individual Nationals at 116 lbs, and improve on my third place finish from last year.”

As a team, women’s wrestling have their sights set on winning the WCWA National Duals, which will be held January 10-12.

SFU returns to the mats October 25 and 26, when they travel to Oklahoma City, OK to compete at the Cliff Keen Duals hosted by Oklahoma City University (OCU). Last season, the Clan placed second at this dual tournament, after dropping the final dual to King’s University.

The team will then continue their season the following weekend as SFU wrestling hosts the annual Clan International at home in the West Gym on Saturday, November 1.

“[SFU] has been hosting the Clan [International] for [around] three years, for the men and the women, and it’s an excellent blend of talent from all over North America,” Justin Abdou, the head coach of the men’s team, said. “We have had several Olympians and World Champions wrestle [here] in previous years, with future Olympians competing each year, [. . .] it’s a high caliber tournament worth watching.”

Also competing in the Clan International is the SFU men’s wrestling team, who open their season at home, before they start their busy collegiate season.

Cat fed up with human constantly puking and shiting on her good toilet

By
EIC
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0
Despite being fully litter box trained, Whiskers’ human continues to poop on her toilet.

After months of rampant speculation and backroom meetings, area cat Whiskers has confirmed that she is sick of her human treating her toilet as if it’s a litter box.

“Enough is enough,” Whiskers declared at a press conference, held yesterday sometime between her early mid-morning nap and her late mid-morning doze. “If Jim can’t remember where he’s supposed to take care of his business, then I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.

“If I catch him pissing on my good toilet one more time [. . .] I’m so mad, I can’t even think straight right now.”

Whiskers has confirmed that the Jim she’s referring to is the same human she acquired through a Craigslist posting in August. Following a then-recent breakup, Whiskers had been looking for something to help fill the void and came across Jim’s photo in a posting.

“I’ll be the first to admit that I should have done more research on humans and then made an informed decision on if they were right for me,” said Whiskers. “Other cats always tell you about how great it is having a human around the house, but they never tell you about all of the incessant ‘accidents’ that happen when you’re not around.”

Though Jim’s previous cat told Whiskers that he was well-behaved and fully trained on how to use the litter box, Whiskers was almost immediately disappointed to find Jim going to the bathroom in the bathroom.

Whiskers explained: “I’ve tried everything to get him to stop. I’ve tried following him into the bathroom and eyeing him while he goes; I’ve tried meowing loudly whenever my food dish is even slightly empty; I’ve even tried falling asleep in a sun beam in the living room. Nothing seems to be getting his attention.”

When asked to make a statement, Jim would only tell press that Whiskers was “a pwetty kitty” and his “little snuggle monster,” but refused to comment on the toilet-related allegations being made against him. So far the claims have gone unconfirmed.

While Jim’s tenancy with Whiskers remains up in the air, it has been suggested that the Vancouver cat might be entertaining the idea of welcoming a female human into her household — though Whiskers is hesitant.

“I’m really more of a male human cat. I don’t think I’m home enough to give a female human all of the attention she would need. I hear they’re a lot of work.”

Sports Briefs

By
EIC
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0

Cross-Country

The Clan men’s and women’s cross-country teams competed at the 41st Annual Western Washington University Classic on Saturday, October 11 in Bellingham, WA. The women’s team achieved first place among Division II competitors while the men placed second. Rebecca Bassett led the women with a time of 21:42, placing eighth individually, while Oliver Jorgensen was the top runner for the men placing 17th with a time of 32:02.

Lacrosse

SFU Lacrosse headed down to California for their fall tour over the Thanksgiving weekend. Facing off first against Sonoma State University, they lost 11-9, nearly coming back from a disastrous second quarter in which they were scored on six times and only scored once. SFU also dropped their other two games, 15-6 to Diablo Valley College, and 14-8 to Dominican University of California. The tournament was the first for many of the players, as 13 of the 26 players are freshmen.

Golf

SFU’s golf teams will compete Monday and Tuesday, with the men headed to Monterey Bay, CA, while the women head to Victoria, BC to play at the Vikes Invitational. Sophomore Kevin Vigna will not play due to injury. The men’s golf team is ranked fifth in NCAA Division II competition according to the first Golfstat ranking of the season.

With files from SFU Athletics and @FraserLacrosse

Top nine thoughts you had while participating in the Great British Columbia Shakeout

By
EIC
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0

On October 16, residents across the province participated in the Great BC Shakeout, taking time to practice the three main steps for what to do during an earthquake: drop, cover, and hold on. With nothing to do but ponder under a desk for 60 seconds, here are the top nine thoughts you had during the Shakeout.

1. Gross. Who actually puts their gum under tables?
2. I wonder if anyone cute is ducking under this table.
3. Can you imagine being in a Jell-O factory during an earthquake?
4. How come they haven’t made any good disaster movies about earthquakes?
5. I miss Breaking Bad.
6. This drill is pointless. Earthquakes are the sort of thing that happen to other cities along the Juan de Fuca faultline. Not mine.
7. If something was already violently shaking before the earthquake, would it appear normal during one?
8. I just got the Pokemon move ‘Magnitude.’
9. I wonder what an earthquake looks like from space.

Who invented it?: Alcohol, music festivals, and greeting card companies

By
EIC
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0

With so many Wikipedia articles floating around today, it’s hard to distinguish fact from the fantasmical. But The Peak’s got you covered with our very first installment of “Who invented it?,” a recurring column meant to tackle the tough, shrouded truths behind some of society’s most fascinating inventions. In this week’s edition, we’ll look at the first time people started buzzing over alcohol, who invented music festivals, and the correlation between greeting card companies and ol’ Saint Valentine.

Alcohol: invented by the karaoke industry

When karaoke was first introduced in the 1960s, it was an utter disaster. The absence of professional vocals confused patrons, who failed to recognize why embarrassing themselves onstage in front of friends and strangers would be desirable, much less enjoyable. A lurking sense of dignity continuously prevented people from selecting catchy pop songs from decades prior or attempting all of the rap parts in “Lose Yourself” to little success. The industry knew they had to take action; karaoke-goers needed something that would lower their guard, instantly allow them to be better dancers, and make even Ke$ha seem like a good idea. Alcohol was invented only a couple of months later.

Music festivals: collaboratively invented by several drug cartels

The sale of hallucinogens and other illegal substances reached an all-time low in 1968, forcing cartels to think creatively if their businesses were going to survive. No one wanted to smoke weed and then have to worry about getting called into work, or run the risk that their parents might unexpectedly drop by. But then it dawned on them: what if there was a way to avoid all of that commitment and paranoia? What if there was a place people could go to for three to four days where the only responsibility was maybe putting on pants in the morning; they could be free to smoke as much weed as they wanted, no longer inhibited by anything that might keep them from being inhibited. The following year, rock ‘n’ roll was bought out by several drug cartels and music festivals became a beacon for debauchery.

Greeting card companies: invented by Saint Valentine

Tired of having to use original words and thoughts to describe his feelings, Saint Valentine devised a brilliant scheme: he’d mass produce the same cheesy lines and rhyming couplets, and make them deliberately ambiguous so that anyone reading would assume the praise was about them, then pair each card with a size-appropriate envelope for the somehow reasonable price of $6. While the cards themselves were an utter waste of resources and capital — people rarely held onto them for longer than a couple of weeks after the special occasion had passed — the false sense of sincerity and relative ease of mass production resulted in greeting cards becoming a hit. Before he knew it, Saint Valentine had created the world’s first greeting card company.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society