By: The SFU Shitter

My friends, the time is now for poop liberation. My good friend, the SFU Pisser, started this movement. Now, it’s time for us to end it. Our goal? Better quality washrooms. Bidets in every single one of them. How will we achieve it? Join our struggle! 

Our struggle is a principled one. We are not reckless shitters — we are targeted ones. We will take our poop to the front lawns of SFU’s executives. That includes you, president Joy Johnson. We will not rest until we can peacefully shit on campus. 

For my first letter to The Peak’s readership, I thought I would write about my forthcoming activities in the best way I know how — verse. I have parodied Lana Del Rey’s latest song, “White Feather Hawk Tail Deer Hunter,” because the title represents how long we have waited for improved toilet sanctuaries on campus. 

It’s my white feather 0-ply AQ 6000-level toilet paper,

Likes to keep me cool in the hot breeze summer.

Toilet’s always broken like a John Deere mower,

I wish there was a bidet, it’s such a bummer.

One day when I shat . . .
A solution, 

Popped into my head — retribution. 

In the dark (snap), snap, crackle pop, tch, 

I’ll shit on the lawns of those who make the big decisions.

Everyone knows I had some trouble —
Going poo-poo on campus.

And I wanted to know if I could use your phone,

To film myself going poo-poo on the VP-finance’s front lawn cause I’m . . .

Positively poo-poo, everything that I do,

Don’t know how exactly liberating it could be? 

Whoopsie-daisy, yoo-hoo, letting all my poo-poo,

Out on the lawns of those busy executive bees. 

Take your hand off the record button, hun, 

If I yell, “Yoo-hoo, constipation’s almost done.”

Whoopsie-daisy, yoo-hoo, 

I imagine you do,

Know exactly how quintessential having an SFU Shitter can be.

It’s my white feather hawk tail damaged toilet,

I’m going to shit on Joy Johnson’s lawn, it’s my own verdict.

Now I have an APB from the police, come and get me. Oh perfect. 

I’ve just been shitting, waiting for some press coverage.

I usually have a musty throne for the summer, 

Yeah, I’ll shit on your lawn, it’ll recover sooner than your next budget blunder.  

Put that fancy bidet on my ass — no worries in September, 

I love my ass, I’ll fight for my toilet throne ’til I feel Bidet’s pleasure! 

Everyone knows I had some trouble,

Finding places to shit on campus.

And I wanted to know if I had your support,

To bring our shit to the chancellor’s front lawn — it’ll help me shit in peace on campus.

Whoopsie-daisy, just shat on the VP-facilities’ front lawn,  

Whoopsie-daisy, just shat on Joy Johnson’s mansion’s stairs.

Whoopsie-daisy, just shat in an executive’s brand new car,

Whoopsie-daisy, just shat all over the Board of Governors’ rug.  

Whoopsie-daisy, I feel very OK,

Whoopsie-daisy, now that I have the chance to shit OK.

Whoopsie-daisy, share this song with a friend,

Whoopsie-daisy, poop liberation must never end.

I’m the white feather hawk tail SFU Shitter,

I’m not a cat but I’ll make you feel like you’re all my litter.

Get ready, the world is my toilet baby,

I wish you could all see the mess I’m about to create-y (THIS RHYMES!).

Whoopsie-daisy, maybe I’ll shit on a dean’s lawn,

Whoopsie-daisy, my underwear’s just a social construct.

Whoopsie-daisy, you better watch your back.

Whoopsie-daisy, the SFU Shitter is here,

Whoopsie-daisy, you all should fear.