By: Niveja Assalaarachchi, News Writer
At the culmination of a long-drawn-out process, the final consenting member of SFU’s community has uploaded their mind to the cloud. This revolutionary move has led to 90% of members of the student body and faculty being made up of robotic bodies.
The project was first proposed two years ago in a Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS) Council resolution as a way to reduce SFSS spending. The resolution highlighted the student society’s precarious financial situation, following Council approving the construction of a giant permanent bouncy castle overlooking campus costing over $2,000,000. The councillor who proposed the motion emphasized the project’s benefit in reducing health insurance expenditures. They remarked that having robotic bodies will squash the need for doctor visits and medications — thus, health insurance won’t even have to be provided.
Upon its approval, the resolution quickly received praise from the university’s administration. Many administrators pointed out the change would put the university at the forefront of similar educational institutions in the region. For this reason, president Joy Johnson volunteered to be the first human to upload their mind into a robot body despite already serving in hologram and AI form.
The sharp decline in coffee drinkers (AI is doing all our homework, so we don’t need it anymore) led the student society to transform Renaissance Coffee into Renaissance Gears, a new shop where students could purchase spare parts when their robot form suffers a mechanical issue. This occurred shortly before the Great Coffee Incident of 2039, where Renaissance’s Coffee workers could not perform their required tasks due to their robotic bodies. Some of the errors committed by those robots include causing AQ to be submerged in cold coffee, destroying classrooms and valuable artifacts. The flood triggered the SFSS’ resolution of redirecting nearly $500,000 to redevelop the store.
What followed was backlash from the university’s community over the proposed changes. These members highlighted that cuts to health insurance would not protect students in cases of robot malfunction. Alas, despite heated discussions between SFSS executives and protesters, the relevant amendment is still ongoing.
One SFSS councillor, anonymously, told The Beep about how ingenious the plan was: “Everyone knows that robots don’t need medical insurance, plus who doesn’t want to have their memories permanently preserved!” They added, “So many of our memories were leaked when the university faced a distributed denial-of-service attack, so we don’t have anything to hide from anyone. I think that’s the sacrifice we have to make because this platform will allow everyone to never forget our memories.”
However, students have reported that the change has brought in a new set of problems. Many students have emailed The Beep and reported pop-up ads. Those ads are reported to display over their robotic main screen advertising Renaissance Gears’s promotion deal for robotic pieces. Additionally, accounts of software malfunctions and parts malfunctions were seen throughout campus in the weeks leading up to the change. Students discussed online that, following their transformation into robots their wheels have randomly turned without notice. Shani Warnakulasooriya, who is a second-year philosophy student noted that he was sent into a 45 minute loop only ending when he fainted from exhaustion. Another student who wished to stay anonymous told The Beep that they were furious. “It’s been nice being able to move around campus more freely with my wheels but my parts keep malfunctioning.” They said, “Renaissance Gears can’t keep up with demand and keep raising the prices of parts. How am I supposed to live as a student? What’s the point of coming to campus on time if my professor is 30 minutes late every time because the elevator’s out again?”
However, many other students praised the decision, The Beep spoke to Robert Robotson, president of the Political Science Student Union (PSSU). Robotson was against the changes when he was campaigning for office, however, he now loves the changes. He strenuously denied allegations that his ideological change came about after Council’s approval of a $10,000 grant for the PSSU. “It’s been so amazing to hear the hum of motors on campus, I hate hearing the loud footsteps of SFU students, it’s a beautiful change,” he said
“It’s also been so easy to access all my information through the cloud. Is it scary that the people in power can access it now? A little bit, but it’s not like they didn’t have it before.”
— Robert Robotson, president of the SFU Political Science Student Union
