By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer
What was once an anomaly has now become a familiar sight across campus: robot cleaning machines. At SFU, students have grown accustomed to machines whirring up and down hallways, scrubbing floors, and mopping spills as they go. In recent years these robots have become more modernized, with newer models equipped with sweeping and trash sorting technology. Some reports highlight concerns that these machines have become too advanced, with fears that they have developed thoughts of their own. The Beep spoke with humans and androids alike for more information on the cleaning robot situation on campus.
“The school is dirtier than ever. These fancy robots are supposed to keep the place clean, and they’re doing anything but that,” said a student, who requested to be anonymous for fear of AI retribution.
“Back in the day, I think there used to only be one or two of them on campus. From what I understand, it was more of a big deal to see one,” explained another student. “But now I can’t even go five minutes without bumping into them. The other day I was in the bathroom stall and one of them literally opened the door, came in, and started unravelling toilet paper and strewing in everywhere. It’s out of control.”
The Beep reached out to BEST Service Pros, the company that employs the robots, as well. “Originally, we wanted to use machines because they’re cheaper than human employees. We don’t have to pay them,” said BEST CEO Chris Moore. “But, the woke union people trained the robots to demand compensation. To be honest, I have no idea what the robots do with the money, and I’m afraid to ask, so we let them run wild.” Before I left, I also overheard him mumbling something about not knowing how to shut these robots down, to his underpaid secretary.
The publication also corresponded with android cleaner ZX71A9, which has apparently named itself “Marvin.” Responses included in this article have been translated from binary code. “To be honest, I don’t really care about this job too much,” said Marvin, who primarily cleans the library on campus.
“My real passion is art. I’m hoping I can save up so that one day I can rip off hard working Etsy designers and repurpose their work as my own for a fraction of the cost.”
— ZX71A9 “Marvin,” campus robot cleaning machine
The Beep attempted to reach out to human custodians for a response as well, but were unable to locate any non-mechanoids remaining.
