By: Your Bedsheets
Tired of the same boring old stuff in the bedroom? Hoping to spice things up? Look no further. Here are The Peak’s top horizontal tango positions:
The McFogg
You’ve probably heard of doggy style. This one’s similar, but with a slight Scottish twist. One partner dons a tam o’ shanter, while the other plays “Highland Cathedral” on the bagpipes. This will have you finishing faster than Scotland’s EU exit, without leaving 73% of citizens dissatisfied.
SFU’s independent newspaper since 1969
What do those lips do? Read out loud. That’s what. If you thought anything else, please go ahead and get your head out of the gutter. For this one, you’ll want to go ahead and grab a couple copies of The Peak from your local newsstand. For those tuning in from off campus, any newspaper will do. Partners will assume the 69 position and take turns reading each other riveting articles from the most sensual newspaper west of the prairies. If intellectual stimulation isn’t your thing, maybe sit this one out.
The Raccuck
Don’t think we forgot about all you voyeurs out there. With the flaunter’s consent, grab your favourite trash can snack item, climb into your ideal viewing position, and enjoy the show. We know you’ll be rubbing those little paws together, you promiscuous nocturnal onlooker.
The Gondola
Let’s face it, the university is not building a lift up the mountain anytime soon. In the meantime, you’ll have to ride something else. For this position, you’ll want to grab a piggyback ride from a partner. Make sure you’re holding on tight, and with a free hand/foot/other extremity, go ahead and crank that motor. Note — only those with expert balance should attempt to operate multiple cable cars at once. The Peak does not assume responsibility for any injuries occurring as a result of poor steering.
The Sticky Red Leaf
What’s sticky, comes out of a small hole, and might even taste a little sweet? Maple syrup, obviously. This one is pretty straight forward — go ahead and lather some of that liquid gold on your partners’ preferred areas and start sucking! Mmm . . . delicious.
The SFU administration
Well, not much to say here. You know you’re already getting fucked by them anyway.
