By: Zainab Salam, Influencer of influencers

OK besties, brace yourselves because I have a confession. A major one. Like, this might actually BREAK the internet. It might be bigger than Beyoncé dropping her surprise album and changing the music industry! So big, I’m still reeling from the experience — truly can’t believe it. But it totally makes sense. #Who’sBetterThanMe?

Here’s how it all went down: it all started when I was walking down English Bay, when I saw a giant 13 written on the ground, with orange chalk. And like all Swifties know, this is basically our bat signal. Taylor’s lucky number written on the ground felt like a signal from the queen herself, Tay Tay. I was guided to walk into Stanley Park  — a spiritual call, if you will. A sound within told me that it was meant to be. 

That walk led me to the most incredible opportunity in my influencer life: the opportunity to meet Taylor Swift! And she’s not the only one I see. Because standing beside her is none other than Travis Kelce. I start to approach them, but something odd happens that makes me halt. He goes down on his knees.

 So like, I was totally, PERSONALLY invited to shoot Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s engagement photos. #NoOneDoesItBetter #TheyKnewWhat’sUp #Aren’tITheCoolest?

Naturally, I started snapping pics from behind a tree — National Geographic style. Iconic on my end, if I do say so myself. Iconic! Groundbreaking! My angles? Immaculate. There might be the biggest superstar in the world in the frame, but my iPhone 13’s camera lens is truly the star of the show. No wonder they both look so serene. #dreamy #HeGotOnTwoKnees 

At one point, I swear I heard seagulls scream “fuck the patriarchy” in unison. Literally a nature choir. Vancouver’s wildlife STAYS booked and busy when it comes to Taylor content. 

You might be asking about my outfit. Being the iconic gal I am, I was in my best paparazzi meets artsy aesthetic outfit. Think of an oversized grey sweatshirt and a messy bun that I carelessly put up. My outfit was circa 2013. 

Anyway, I’ll be selling exclusive prints of the proposal (DM for pricing, serious inquiries ONLY). Unfortunately, Vogue hasn’t responded to my pitch emails, even though I sent a thousand — that’s probably because Anna Wintour stepped back from her post. Vogue has truly lost their anti-AI queen. 

Mark my words: when Taylor drops her 13th album — titled Influencer in the Park — you’ll remember that I’m the muse. Then you all will bow down to me. #Iconic #BCRepresentation #EngagedInMyHeart #13+87 

Updated three hours later: For the trolls in my comments: yes, maybe it looked like a couple from Burnaby named Gary and Brenda, but tell me this — why would Brenda be wearing a cardigan? THE cardigan?? From folklore? That’s not a coincidence. That’s fate. #StayAngry #AngryLikeTheEmotionFromJoy #IAmAMuse